Downtime. Sorta.
I don't often let my time be downtime. There's always too much I'm not doing. I suppose that's the perpetual New Yorker in me. Consider, as I write this, I am NOT:
1) Reviewing my lines for the play (which starts up again tomorrow)
2) Searching the house for a missing DVD of the Modern Tango I was in back in '05 so I can study it and relearn it (first rehearsal Wed. the 30th)
But I'm ok, because I already:
1) Went to two different stores aiming to exchange my mother's birthday present.
2) Completed the 'home' portion of my workday.
3) Transcribed, transposed, and made audio tracks of 16 bars of an Aerosmith song for my director to audition with this weekend (I'm really nice like that).
Ah, my night off.
Like with the last show, I'm nervous again. I'm going to lose her like I lost him (not that I did entirely, details below). Yup, still insecure.
The past three days did nothing to allay my fears. It was unusual. She simply didn't respond to my email Monday (simply asking how her second show went on Sunday night, which I was dying to go to but couldn't attend). No occasional banter, no sass. Finally I knew she wasn't avoiding me; email came asking if my baby and I were interested in coming to see "Macbeth" at BAM with a bunch of people. (It's starring Patrick Stewart. Answer: YES.)
No sass though.
It would be easier with her than with him (remember #3?) to stop caring so much. Even so, it's rough. When I was apologetically asked to stop flirting and did so (that week it all seemed over before it started), it started off fine. Then the withdrawal symptoms started. Being around her without touching her, eying her, joking suggestively was the equivalent of being the only quitter in a room of very active smokers. I knew it would get better eventually, likely not all that long, but before I could even start recovering we were back at it, changing into evening wear in a church confessional, feeling her fingers trace up my back.
I should give up on the notion of sex with her.
It's not that it's impossible. But I'm discovering it would require finding her alone at home with the boyfriend. Otherwise, I'd end up having sex with both of them. And he's always home.
I like this boyfriend of hers very much, don't get me wrong. That's not the issue at all. This is a problem because my boyfriend (my J) distrusts him (her J) inherently, even as he comes to like him more and even become friends with him. I trust my boyfriend and, given the incredibly short list of limits we put on each other, am more than happy to stay very wary for his sake.
And if I found a way around that one, more are sure to surface. For example, I grow increasing sure that actual sex would cause massive guilt on her part. That does not make me happy. Such guilt could mean problems with our friendship (not ok) and problems with her man (also not ok). It's not just my regard for her well-being. More than a friend, this woman is a great tie for me into a broader local theater community, and I'm not letting go of that.
I suppose I'll wait and see. After all, the cast party is coming up, and that promises to be NUTS (My boyfriend asks "So how many people are you intending to sleep with at this party?" Could it possibly be as bad as all that?!?).
Amanda will be there. Her boyfriend and mine, and the entire over-sexed cast and crew. #3 will be there. He made me promise I'd ask those questions finally (while linking a finger with mine in an unexpected alluring way). He still meets my lips when mildly inebriated (or more private).
Of course, now I KNOW his beautiful wife is the jealous type. I get caught flirting with him, I lose her AND my ladyfriend (which is best friends with #3's marvelous, jealous wife)
I may have to yell at him.
I don't often let my time be downtime. There's always too much I'm not doing. I suppose that's the perpetual New Yorker in me. Consider, as I write this, I am NOT:
1) Reviewing my lines for the play (which starts up again tomorrow)
2) Searching the house for a missing DVD of the Modern Tango I was in back in '05 so I can study it and relearn it (first rehearsal Wed. the 30th)
But I'm ok, because I already:
1) Went to two different stores aiming to exchange my mother's birthday present.
2) Completed the 'home' portion of my workday.
3) Transcribed, transposed, and made audio tracks of 16 bars of an Aerosmith song for my director to audition with this weekend (I'm really nice like that).
Ah, my night off.
Like with the last show, I'm nervous again. I'm going to lose her like I lost him (not that I did entirely, details below). Yup, still insecure.
The past three days did nothing to allay my fears. It was unusual. She simply didn't respond to my email Monday (simply asking how her second show went on Sunday night, which I was dying to go to but couldn't attend). No occasional banter, no sass. Finally I knew she wasn't avoiding me; email came asking if my baby and I were interested in coming to see "Macbeth" at BAM with a bunch of people. (It's starring Patrick Stewart. Answer: YES.)
No sass though.
It would be easier with her than with him (remember #3?) to stop caring so much. Even so, it's rough. When I was apologetically asked to stop flirting and did so (that week it all seemed over before it started), it started off fine. Then the withdrawal symptoms started. Being around her without touching her, eying her, joking suggestively was the equivalent of being the only quitter in a room of very active smokers. I knew it would get better eventually, likely not all that long, but before I could even start recovering we were back at it, changing into evening wear in a church confessional, feeling her fingers trace up my back.
I should give up on the notion of sex with her.
It's not that it's impossible. But I'm discovering it would require finding her alone at home with the boyfriend. Otherwise, I'd end up having sex with both of them. And he's always home.
I like this boyfriend of hers very much, don't get me wrong. That's not the issue at all. This is a problem because my boyfriend (my J) distrusts him (her J) inherently, even as he comes to like him more and even become friends with him. I trust my boyfriend and, given the incredibly short list of limits we put on each other, am more than happy to stay very wary for his sake.
And if I found a way around that one, more are sure to surface. For example, I grow increasing sure that actual sex would cause massive guilt on her part. That does not make me happy. Such guilt could mean problems with our friendship (not ok) and problems with her man (also not ok). It's not just my regard for her well-being. More than a friend, this woman is a great tie for me into a broader local theater community, and I'm not letting go of that.
I suppose I'll wait and see. After all, the cast party is coming up, and that promises to be NUTS (My boyfriend asks "So how many people are you intending to sleep with at this party?" Could it possibly be as bad as all that?!?).
Amanda will be there. Her boyfriend and mine, and the entire over-sexed cast and crew. #3 will be there. He made me promise I'd ask those questions finally (while linking a finger with mine in an unexpected alluring way). He still meets my lips when mildly inebriated (or more private).
Of course, now I KNOW his beautiful wife is the jealous type. I get caught flirting with him, I lose her AND my ladyfriend (which is best friends with #3's marvelous, jealous wife)
I may have to yell at him.
And flirting can definitely still be fun.
I'm sorry the "end-game" isn't working out as well as you hoped but you definitely "hustled like a champ."
How's that for sports metaphors?
One more?
"It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it just matters how you play the game."
(I'm still cheering for you
I can tell you my #2 is slowly drifting away....and I am very sad. My number 3 is coming strong and making friends with my number 1, which is confusing. My number 4 is always there but so very very far away.