al

I can't sleep again.

I think I've written about this before.

I think it's strange how once you start having sex with someone, there are things you can't talk about to them. We think it doesn't happen, but it does. Certain things become taboo. I can't put my finger on what they are, but fucking someone definitely creates some sort of divide between the two of you. I guess it's weird to me, especially because... well... I don't fuck on the first date. That's not to say I won't. It's not like it's some set in stone rule I have for myself, but frankly, if all we've done is had a first date, I'm probably just not interested in fucking you. It's not that you're not physically attractive, but until I know you I probably will not want to fuck you. A person isn't fuck-worthy to me until I get to know them a bit. If I want physical pleasure I can get that from myself. For me, fucking isn't just about physical pleasure. It's about intimacy, it's about being close to someone, physically and mentally. Haha, no, I'm not really one of those jr.-high-dance-make-sweet-love type of people, if that's what you're thinking. It's that being physically close to someone is not interesting or very pleasurable for me unless I'm close to them mentally, and that's not exactly something that happens that often. So like I said, maybe I'd fuck on the first date, but you'd have to be goddamn charming and reveal a lot about yourself and have me like it to get me to want to open up to you. It's happened before. This is why it's weird to me that fucking someone creates separation.

If ever I find a man with whom this doesn't happen, that will be the man I want to marry. I just hope he wants to marry me back, and isn't one of those "confirmed bachelors" or something.

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Unrelatedly and somewhat confidentially: next time, I swear.

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and: it's okay, do what you need to do.