Wednesday Dec 03, 2003

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Over the past 2 or 3 years and even moreso over the last semester I've found myself becoming more and more... embittered? disillusioned? disenchanted? indifferent? I used to be nice, I used to be happy, I used to be enthusiastic, I used to enjoy meeting new people and making friends, I used to enjoy lively discussion and debate about... anything. Now I'm just tired. It's not depression. I know what that feels like. I suppose I'm just not 17 anymore. On top of it all, I think I'm getting dumber... or maybe everyone around me is getting smarter. At least the semester is almost over. Going home feels good, but at the same time I miss my friends. Having friends is awesome, by the way. Especially friends who will buy you beer and give you backrubs or send you a nice card through the intercampus mail when you're down... or even for no reason at all 'cept that you're friends. Friends are better than theses, and better than early math classes. There's nothing like a friend with whom you've had to take early math classes, though. There's nothing like shared trauma to solidify a friendship, and few things more traumatizing than trying to learn multivariable calculus at 9 in the morning. Okay, maybe trying to learn abstract algebra right after lunch. That. Was. Awful. I'm done now. I have to do my thesis.
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thecowboy:
.i used to like heroin..that worked great for the short term..now i like to excercise. and eat fish. and the occasional shootout with the authorities, just to keep me on my toes..but hey, thats just how i stay happy, and im a total shit.
eleven26:
hello... I don't know that I can offer any encouragement in your situation, but I can tell you that you're not alone. in my senior year of college, I suddenly realized that I had become extremely bitter and jaded, and totally felt like I had become more dumb - or, like you said, that everyone around me had just become smarter. I totally lost all confidence in my work. I would say without hesitation that the worst thing I have ever done for my appreciation of art was to get a degree in it. I'd love to tell you it gets better, and hopefully for you it will, but for me it hasn't. I am now three years out of college, and I still don't like art, I no longer enjoy design (what my degree is in), and hate all designers. and very little of my old confidence in my work has returned. so now I am faced with having a degree in something that I used to love, but no longer want to do. college it weird... it fucks with your head. sure fucked with mine, at least, and it sounds like it's fucking with yours in similar ways.

for me, at least, the good news in all of this, is that at least now I have a degree, so I get a job to pay my rent while I figure out what I really want to do with my life.

sorry to blather on for so long here, but you sound like you are really going through a similar place to where I've been for the last few years. My senior year, I had to write a paper comparing and contrasting a couple quotes... I wrote the whole paper on how jaded i was, how asinine the assignment was, and how higher education had destroyed so many things for me. (...got an A on it, though smile )

college is weird, but it ends. and then life goes on. like I said, I'm sorry I don't have much encouragement to offer, but I did want to let you know that you're not alone. Overall, I am very glad that I went to college, and I still hope to get a master's some day... God, I hate to think how jaded I'll be after that! smile

Hang in there!
-d

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