It's my journal 
(if you already read the intro about interstitial cystitis, check out today's thoughts underneath the row of pretty pretty stars)
I thought it would be cool to document teh life of a chick who's got the girlie-disease "interstitial cystitis."
A lotta people don't know what I.C. is so here goes: incurable tiny ulcers inside the wall of your bladder make it hard to walk, exercise, eat, drink, fuck, dance, breathe, smell flowers, blah blah blah.
The thing is? I have this disease and i'm still kickin' ass.
And other for-real chicks that have bullshit going on with their bodies can relate.
No matter what our mutherfucking misogynistic doctors, sadistic nurses, well-meaning family members, and uninformed aquaintances say, we are awesome, and we can do a good job of taking care of ourselves, thankyouverymuch.
*********************************************************************
Here is what it was like when I tried cocaine.
I was in Palm Springs, with my oldest girlfriends. We are always VERY silly together and there is a lot of nakedness, naughty picture taking, making out and general debauchery going on when we get together.
Anyway, the girl I'll call "Bitchy" had moved to LA to act and she inevitably started doing a bunch of coke there.
She brought some "really pure stuff!" back with her because our friend Slutty (not her real name) really wanted to try it. I wasn't into it, but I was curious and my friends put a TON of pressure on me to do it.
After my uptight friend Whitetrash (again, names have been changed to protect the perpetrators), who is a certified NURSE, did a line and told me I was being a wuss, I relented and let the expert, Bitchy, cut me a teeny line, while Slutty aimed the video camera at me to tape the event (I'm the prude, so they just HAD to preserve my downfall for posterity).
They had a special straw and it was really short, so when I leaned over to sniff it, I could smell the nasty stuff. It smells like bad breath and sharp chemicals mixed together. I couldn't do it. It just smelled too gross. And when I looked closer, it wasn't all pretty and sparkly white like sugar...it was a dull flat white. It just looked like poison.
I kept trying and I couldn't get myself to sniff it up! It's just totally counter intuitive to sniff ANYthing up your nose! It's like someone telling you "Just breathe this little bit of water into your lungs, and you'll feel great!"
Finally, I felt so stupid that I just closed my eyes and sniffed a teeny-weeny bit. It was soooo gross to breathe the nasty chemicals into my nose, and my nose felt super tickly for a second, before it and my toungue went numb.
Once stuff wen numb, I was like "whatver" and I just snorted the shit up.
My whole nose got numb, and I tasted the gross chemicals in my mouth. I didn't feel anything. I waited and waited....nothing.
15 minutes later, I noticed, as I was just talking etc. with my friends, that I didn't feel my usual shyness or social anxiety. That was nice. I was like "yeah, this is who I really am. Underneath all that nervousness and worry, I'm actually just kind of funny and smart and cool."
Probably ten minutes after that, all my emotional baggage had disappeared.
I mean, I felt like I was ten again. Things were just FUN. There wasn't any deeper meaning to anything, I wasn't afraid to do this or that because once someone made fun of me for it. I just wanted to PLAY.
I couldn't STAND just sitting around and talking! I HAD to jump into the pool in the middle of my friend's sentence because swimming just sounded SOOOO fun!
And it was. I pretended I was a dolphin and jumped around in the water. When was the last time you just had fun feeling water on your skin and feeling what it feels like to be in water? It was SOOOOO awesome.
It didn't feel like being "HIGH" at all. I just felt like my truest form of myself. I wasn't wobbly, or slurry, or floaty, just FINE.
And there was NO PAIN anywhere in my body.
That was probably the greatest part. All of us, we block out all our daily aches and pains so we don't notice how much they contribut to our inactivity or mood. That's why I say it felt like being ten again, cause you can really USE your body when it doesn't hurt.
After about 10 mins in the pool, I got tired. I was down and I REALLY wanted to do MORE MORE MORE! I sniffed a big ol' line and waited ten minutes, but I didn't feel anything. I kept waiting, and my friend Slutty started to TOTALLY get on my nerves. I mean, it was hard for me not to snap at her because she COULDN'T STOP TALKING. And she was talking super fast in a stream of consciousness ramble that had been coming out of her mouth for 45mins. She was also SNAPPING HER FINGERS NON-STOP while she talked.
I decided I probably just needed another line and I would go back in the pool to avoid her.
After my third line, I still didn't feel anything. But 80's music always makes me feel a lot like that first line had, so I put on some 80's and started dancing outside by the pool. I pretty much HAD to dance. Like, if I stopped for two seconds I got super bored and felt like I had to be up doing something. Then I was like "Damn, I'm a fuckin' good dancer! I'm like, seriously, a rock-star dancer. And the ripples of light on the pool totally look like a crowd of screaming fans. It's like I'm depeche mode or something!!! I'm so rad! THIS DRUG IS TEH AWESOME!"
Finally, I got tired, came back over to my friends, and felt really relaxed and happy - no sign of my normal social anxiety. That's the best thing about cocaine, is you feel like you can just talk to people.
Anyway, I figured I shouldn't do anymore and went to bed.
I woke up super early, and I really wanted to do more coke. It was hard for me not to go get the stash out and sniff right from the bag! Then, I got mad that I would do something that makes you want it so much, and I felt super angry at coke, and I wanted to throw the bag away so I would ensure that I never did it againg.
The whole next two days I felt very agitated and my thoughts felt like they came really slowly. I also got a stuffy nose and felt like I was sick.
And that's what it was like!
(if you already read the intro about interstitial cystitis, check out today's thoughts underneath the row of pretty pretty stars)
I thought it would be cool to document teh life of a chick who's got the girlie-disease "interstitial cystitis."
A lotta people don't know what I.C. is so here goes: incurable tiny ulcers inside the wall of your bladder make it hard to walk, exercise, eat, drink, fuck, dance, breathe, smell flowers, blah blah blah.
The thing is? I have this disease and i'm still kickin' ass.
And other for-real chicks that have bullshit going on with their bodies can relate.
No matter what our mutherfucking misogynistic doctors, sadistic nurses, well-meaning family members, and uninformed aquaintances say, we are awesome, and we can do a good job of taking care of ourselves, thankyouverymuch.
*********************************************************************
Here is what it was like when I tried cocaine.
I was in Palm Springs, with my oldest girlfriends. We are always VERY silly together and there is a lot of nakedness, naughty picture taking, making out and general debauchery going on when we get together.
Anyway, the girl I'll call "Bitchy" had moved to LA to act and she inevitably started doing a bunch of coke there.
She brought some "really pure stuff!" back with her because our friend Slutty (not her real name) really wanted to try it. I wasn't into it, but I was curious and my friends put a TON of pressure on me to do it.
After my uptight friend Whitetrash (again, names have been changed to protect the perpetrators), who is a certified NURSE, did a line and told me I was being a wuss, I relented and let the expert, Bitchy, cut me a teeny line, while Slutty aimed the video camera at me to tape the event (I'm the prude, so they just HAD to preserve my downfall for posterity).
They had a special straw and it was really short, so when I leaned over to sniff it, I could smell the nasty stuff. It smells like bad breath and sharp chemicals mixed together. I couldn't do it. It just smelled too gross. And when I looked closer, it wasn't all pretty and sparkly white like sugar...it was a dull flat white. It just looked like poison.
I kept trying and I couldn't get myself to sniff it up! It's just totally counter intuitive to sniff ANYthing up your nose! It's like someone telling you "Just breathe this little bit of water into your lungs, and you'll feel great!"
Finally, I felt so stupid that I just closed my eyes and sniffed a teeny-weeny bit. It was soooo gross to breathe the nasty chemicals into my nose, and my nose felt super tickly for a second, before it and my toungue went numb.
Once stuff wen numb, I was like "whatver" and I just snorted the shit up.
My whole nose got numb, and I tasted the gross chemicals in my mouth. I didn't feel anything. I waited and waited....nothing.
15 minutes later, I noticed, as I was just talking etc. with my friends, that I didn't feel my usual shyness or social anxiety. That was nice. I was like "yeah, this is who I really am. Underneath all that nervousness and worry, I'm actually just kind of funny and smart and cool."
Probably ten minutes after that, all my emotional baggage had disappeared.
I mean, I felt like I was ten again. Things were just FUN. There wasn't any deeper meaning to anything, I wasn't afraid to do this or that because once someone made fun of me for it. I just wanted to PLAY.
I couldn't STAND just sitting around and talking! I HAD to jump into the pool in the middle of my friend's sentence because swimming just sounded SOOOO fun!
And it was. I pretended I was a dolphin and jumped around in the water. When was the last time you just had fun feeling water on your skin and feeling what it feels like to be in water? It was SOOOOO awesome.
It didn't feel like being "HIGH" at all. I just felt like my truest form of myself. I wasn't wobbly, or slurry, or floaty, just FINE.
And there was NO PAIN anywhere in my body.
That was probably the greatest part. All of us, we block out all our daily aches and pains so we don't notice how much they contribut to our inactivity or mood. That's why I say it felt like being ten again, cause you can really USE your body when it doesn't hurt.
After about 10 mins in the pool, I got tired. I was down and I REALLY wanted to do MORE MORE MORE! I sniffed a big ol' line and waited ten minutes, but I didn't feel anything. I kept waiting, and my friend Slutty started to TOTALLY get on my nerves. I mean, it was hard for me not to snap at her because she COULDN'T STOP TALKING. And she was talking super fast in a stream of consciousness ramble that had been coming out of her mouth for 45mins. She was also SNAPPING HER FINGERS NON-STOP while she talked.
I decided I probably just needed another line and I would go back in the pool to avoid her.
After my third line, I still didn't feel anything. But 80's music always makes me feel a lot like that first line had, so I put on some 80's and started dancing outside by the pool. I pretty much HAD to dance. Like, if I stopped for two seconds I got super bored and felt like I had to be up doing something. Then I was like "Damn, I'm a fuckin' good dancer! I'm like, seriously, a rock-star dancer. And the ripples of light on the pool totally look like a crowd of screaming fans. It's like I'm depeche mode or something!!! I'm so rad! THIS DRUG IS TEH AWESOME!"
Finally, I got tired, came back over to my friends, and felt really relaxed and happy - no sign of my normal social anxiety. That's the best thing about cocaine, is you feel like you can just talk to people.
Anyway, I figured I shouldn't do anymore and went to bed.
I woke up super early, and I really wanted to do more coke. It was hard for me not to go get the stash out and sniff right from the bag! Then, I got mad that I would do something that makes you want it so much, and I felt super angry at coke, and I wanted to throw the bag away so I would ensure that I never did it againg.
The whole next two days I felt very agitated and my thoughts felt like they came really slowly. I also got a stuffy nose and felt like I was sick.
And that's what it was like!
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
ive never done any drugs because i dont know what effect it has on my IC. once i quit smoking also, it cleared up quite a bit. so needless to say im on a low-substance existance.
we should talk more. IM me sometime.