Hey lovelies!
I decided to share with you guys another challenging writing piece as my last one got such a lovely, supportive response!
I apologise for my lack of activity as my life has been a little rocky lately. I found out that one of my best friends in New Zealand has been involved in a bad car crash, leaving him with several broken bones and brain damage, and came home today to find a paralysis tick on my fur baby! She is home now from the vets and is fast asleep in my arms and I'm crossing my fingers we don't receive any other bad warning signs.
I also apologise for the following being in capitals as I've copied it off my private blog page onto my ipad and the font on that page makes it capitals!
I hope you enjoy and I hope this helps others to find courage in similar situations :)
I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WRITE THIS, IN HOPE OF FINDING COMFORT AND PEACE WITHIN MYSELF. I FEEL THAT IT’S A NECESSARY AND UNAVOIDABLE STEP TO HOPEFULLY HEAL FROM THIS PAIN IN MY LIFE. I HAVE COME TO THIS REALISATION BECAUSE OF ALL THAT HAS TRANSPIRED AND HOW IS HAS AFFECTED ME, MY LIFE AND THOSE AROUND ME.
I’VE BEEN HURT AND ANGRY. ANGRY AT EVERYTHING MY WHOLE LIFE. YOU SAY THAT I’VE BEEN MAKING POOR DECISIONS, BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE DECISIONS AT ALL, WHEN I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM. I COULD NEVER CORRELATE WHAT YOU DID TO ME, AND I WAS SO LOST IN MY LIFE. IT HAS NOT BEEN UNTIL RECENTLY THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO COMPREHEND EVERYTHING. SEEING SOMEONE ELSE GET TREATED BADLY BY YOU WAS VERY TRIGGERING. I DIDN’T HAVE GUTS TO EVER STAND UP FOR MYSELF BECAUSE ALL THE SELF WORTH I DID HAVE, YOU TOOK IT FROM ME. I COULDN’T LET YOU PUT YOUR HANDS AND HARSH WORDS ON SOMEONE ELSE AND LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT. I CAN’T POSSIBLY THINK THAT YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN VICTIMS YOU CHOOSE WITH A BLOOD RELATION OR NOT AT THIS POINT. I HARBOURED GUILT FOR EVERYONE ELSE YOU PUT DOWN, AND IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO BE GUILTY. YOU HURT ME BY YOUR OWN CHOICE AND YOU HURT THEM BY YOUR OWN CHOICE. THE GUILT I CARRY ON MY SHOULDERS SHOULD BE SOLELY CARRIED BY YOU.
IT’S CONSTANTLY A CHALLENGE FOR ME TO NOT FEEL DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. YOU HAVE NEVER FULLY UNDERSTOOD THE EFFECT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE HAD ON MY WHOLE LIFE, ESPECIALLY AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE. BECAUSE OF YOU, VOICING MY OPINION WITH MEN HAS BEEN MORE THAN DIFFICULT. I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH THIS FOR YEARS. I START TO FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK WHEN I HAVE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTION THAT SOMEONE MIGHT NOT APPRECIATE THE ANSWER TO, IN FEAR OF THEM LASHING OUT. IT’S ME DRAWING PICTURES OUT FOR COUNSELLORS AND PSYCHOLOGISTS AND THEM ASKING ME WHY I DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO SPEAK OUT ABOUT MY TORMENT. YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME.
EVEN SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS SOMEONE NOW ASKING ME IF I’M OKAY AND RESPONDING WITH “NO” IF I NEED HELP, IS A MASSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT AND MAJOR HURDLE IN MY EVERY DAY LIFE, AND YOU ARE THE ROOT OF THAT CAUSE.
THE PHYSICAL HURT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE EMOTIONAL DEVASTATION I HAVE ENCOUNTERED THROUGH MY LIFE. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BIG BROTHER, TO PROTECT ME FROM EVERYONE IN THE WORLD AND MAKE ME FEEL SAFE.
UNTIL THIS PAST WEEK, I THOUGHT WE HAD REBUILT OUR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NEVER APOLOGISED ONCE FOR YOUR ACTIONS TOWARDS ME. I HAD LET GO OF WHAT HAD OCCURRED IN THE PAST AND FOCUSED ON THE PRESENT AND FUTURE. IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT WE HAD A GOOD SIBLING RELATIONSHIP, FROM WHERE I STOOD, AND I DIDN’T WANT TO SHOVE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME – BECAUSE I VALUE FAMILY MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW OR FEEL. YOU’VE BEEN A MAJOR PART OF MY LIFE, GOOD AND BAD. I WANTED TO CONTINUE TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE. I FELT LIKE I COULD CONFIDE IN YOU. I LEARNT TO TRUST YOU AGAIN, BUT ALL THAT I HAVE LEARNT THIS WEEK IS THAT WAS NOTHING BUT A FABRICATION. TO SEE YOU CAPABLE OF HURTING ME AND OTHER PEOPLE AGAIN, THEN THE ENTIRE SHOW THAT YOU PUT ON WAS JUST THAT, A SHOW, AND I WAS JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THE PUPPETS IN YOUR PLAY.
THIS IS SO DISTRESSING FOR ME TO WRITE RIGHT NOW, AND YOU CAN SO EASILY SAY THAT AS FAR AS YOU’RE CONCERNED YOU ARE AN ONLY CHILD. I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT FORGIVE YOU FOR HURTING ME, AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT ENABLE YOU. THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE THAT I HAVE CARRIED THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE, STARTING AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, HAS RESURFACED. THAT WOUND YOU LEFT HAS BEEN RIPPED OPEN, ONCE AGAIN – BUT FOR THE LAST TIME.
I FEEL FOOLISH. I FEEL FOOLISH FOR THE TRUST I HAD PLACED IN YOU AND THE FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY I HAD IN YOU – THINKING THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE MY PROTECTOR, MY BIG BROTHER, FOREVER. I FELT LIKE A HELPLESS KITTEN THAT HAD BEEN ATTACKED RUTHLESSLY BY A DOG. I CHOOSE TO STOP THIS CYCLE, OF ME FORGIVING YOU WHEN YOU’VE SHOWN NO REMORSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS TOWARDS ME. I CHOOSE TO STOP RETURNING TO YOU HOPING THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED, ONLY FOR EVERYTHING TO HAPPEN ALL OVER AGAIN. I CHOOSE TO FINALLY FORGIVE MYSELF FOR MY VERY WRONG JUDGMENTS.
I CHOOSE TO STOP BLAMING MYSELF, BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT. I WAS DEFINITELY NOT THE CAUSE OF YOUR INABILITY TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS. I CHOOSE TO LET GO AND BE FREE. FREE FROM YOUR HOLD.
YOU’VE DESTROYED ME. BUT I’LL GET THROUGH IT. I KNOW I WILL. YOU’VE MADE MY HOME AN UNSAFE PLACE FOR TOO MANY YEARS FOR ME TO LET YOU DO IT AGAIN. I HAD PSYCHS TELLING ME TO CHARGE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THAT TO YOU, BECAUSE I LOVED AND CARED FOR YOU AND DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN YOUR FUTURE OPPORTUNITIES – ALTHOUGH YOU HAD DONE THAT TO ME BY RUINING MY TRUST IN PEOPLE.
MY MOTHER, AS MUCH AS I LOVE HER, HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT YOUR SILENT ACCOMPLICE. TURNING A BLIND EYE TO THE ABUSE UNTIL I SPOKE UP, TELLING ME TO STOP THE COURT CASE AND DROP ALL CHARGES, AND GOING BACK TO LOVING AND SUPPORTING MY ABUSER. SHE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT ENABLED YOU BY SAYING THAT YOU CAN’T HELP IT BECAUSE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. I’VE BEEN DEPRESSED, I’VE HAD AN EATING DISORDER, I’VE HAD PHSYCOSIS BUT I WOULD STILL NEVER PUT MY HANDS ON SOMEONE OR MAKE THEM FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU DID TO ME. INSTEAD OF HOLDING HER BABY IN HER ARMS WHEN I WAS HURT, SHE MADE ME FEEL UNWELCOME AND UNSAFE AT HOME, TO THE POINT WHERE I HAD TO STAY AT A BOYFRIENDS EVERY NIGHT. TO HAVE MY PSYCHOLOGIST CRY HEARING MY STORY, AND TELL ME THAT I CAN LIVE WITH THEM UNTIL I GET ON MY FEET MADE ME REALISE HOW WRONG EVERYTHING YOU DID TO ME WAS.
I MISS THE PERSON I NEEDED YOU TO BE.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WHO I AM NOW, YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MAKING HER. YOUR ABUSE DID NOT MAKE ME STRONGER, IT DID NOT MAKE ME MORE CAPABLE OF LIVING. YOUR ABUSE HAS ONLY PROVIDED ME WITH AN OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE WHAT STRENGTH I’VE ALWAYS HAD. SO THANK YOU.
