akirali

Warning! This entry will ramble like an old man trying to order food at a deli. It is also longer than any entry on a fucking porn website blog should be. Don't read it if you value your sanity. Just run along and look for more nekked bois and grrls

Yeah. I kinda don't know much of anything right now. Being young and self-absorbed is not all it's cracked up to be. My mind is thinking 80,000,000 things a minute. I can't ever just shut the fucking thing up.

I'm still thinking about things and people and situations I shouldn't be. I guess when someone sits down and tells you about yourself, strips away any facade or illusions you may have had about yourself and your actions, it can be jarring to say the least. It just drives home the fact that none of us are as perfect and agendaless as we think we are. Hell, we may genuinely have no conscious agenda or ulterior motive. But subconsciously? Thats a whole other story. The point of which is I'm an asshole. In fact I'm worst than an asshole. I'm an asshole who didn't know he was one untill someone told him. Thats pretty fucking sad, no? I know i wasn't told this because the person wanted me to feel like an asshole. But it doesnt mean that I don't feel like an asshole. Honestly, I've never been more ashamed of myself as a human being and a man as I was when the truth was laid bare. And no, I'm not going to go into specifics. I don't care who you are, I'm not saying anymore on the subject than this. I feel bad enough that it happened, I dont need to relive it or talk about it anymore. I just want to feel like a complete and total asshole/creep/dickhead/bastard/fuck-up for as long as I need to. Thats how I deal with things, thank you very much. I internalize and let em stew. Its fun.

I'm bursting with ideas for my story I want to write. I'm afraid I'm being overly ambitious. I'm trying to craft a creative umbrella that i can use to encompas any genre of story I would ever want to tell, western, samurai, super-hero, investigative, romance, etc and fit them into one universe. Whatever. Considering I havent written a single word for the story in over 2 weeks, I'd say i'm getting ahead of myself.

I feel like I'm drifting. I know it's an overused metaphore, but it's overused for a reason. Thats exactly what moving aimlessly through life feels like.

I never should've left the bookstore in Feb. It was driving me insane and making me a miserable son-of-a-bitch, but hey, at least I'd have money. Whenever I feel like shit I shop and buy crap for myself. And if you've ever seen my collection of crap, you have a good idea roughly how often I feel like shit. Without money however, I don't have my normal coping mechanism. Its driving me insane.

I'm a bit of an odd bird when it comes to inter-personal relationships. Actually, lets call a spade a spade (bad pun), I am a jerk. I don't often like the company of human beings. Most times I can feel downright uncomfortable in my own skin. Those are times I don't like to be around people. Yet at the same time, pushing people away all the time gets rather lonely, and so do I. So I expect people to just drop what they're doing and be there for me when I feel down and alone. I'm a hermit by choice, who craves conversation.

My "creativity" is a joke. Everything I write is derivative. All my charachters are cardboard cut-outs of actual human beings. My music is horrible. It is colorless, voiceless, and worst of all, full of samples. Obscure, but samples nonetheless.

I miss my father a lot. This year on November 30th, it will be 5 years since he died. When I was much younger, like between the ages of 8 and 12, my dad was my best friend. He was the coolest guy in the world. He read to me, we played video games and went hiking together all the time. I looked up to him in so many ways. Then I became a teenager and things turned to shit. I became a moody, argumentative, prick. And we fought all the time. He also got sick. His kidneys started to give him trouble. My teenage assholery lasted about until I moved out to go to college. Yeah I was still in the same city, but I wasnt living there anymore. Once I was out, we started to reconnect a lot more. We reveled in our geekiness. Be it Star Trek, comic books, or movie knowledge (before we discovered IMDB, the most commonly used book in my household was the Leonard Maltin movie guide). We really started to like each other again. I considered him a great friend again. And I hope he was proud of me. Unfortunately during this time he got sicker and sicker. He was a shadow of the man he once was. So emaciated and tired all the time. He wasnt the strong tree of a man who took me hiking every weekend. I guess I never expected him to die before me. Funny huh? Its usually the other way around, but it wasn't. Just as we were becoming good friends agan, he died. And yeah, I still miss him. Everytime I look at any Lord of the Rings merchandice, knowing he tried to get me to read the books when I was 10, but they didnt appeal to me at the time. Everytime I see comic books that we used to talk about becoming movies. Everytime I play a videogame that he would love. Everytime I think of a situation where I need a father's advice or opinion on something.And yeah, sometimes out of the blue, and for no particular reason whatsoever. I fucking miss him.

Now I'm gonna go and do some housework. Maybe after that i'll play some videogames to get my mind off of the 80,000,000 things running through it right now. These were just some of the things boring through my mind, leaving holes as they go. Have a great weekend everybody.

oh yeah, its still blonde week in my journal for one more day