I’m your buddy, your co-worker, maybe even your friend, but in my mind I question every second we spend together. Do you like me? Am I really your friend or do you put up with me because you feel bad for me? Do you mock me when I leave the room for being stupid enough to think I have a friend?
I love your friendship but I hate that you have friends that you’ve known since you were kids. Did you know my longest term friend is 5 years because I’m broken and it scares people away, or because I don’t believe they are my friends so I drive them away before they can hurt me.
I will smile and laugh and crack jokes all day at work and seem just normal to everyone around, but at the end of the day I feel like a hollow shell knowing none of you actually like me. It makes me bitter, it makes me angry, you call me names thinking I like to put others down when I really am just scared and don’t want to believe that we could become close.
Do you know what it’s like to lay in bed at night and question everything about every friend you have? About every relative? About everyone around you? I do. Every night I lay awake and become increasingly angrier because I can’t see that you are my friends and that you do care about me. All I see are doubts….. You couldn’t come out to the bar with me when you said you would so that obviously means that you told me you would come out to shut me up and didn’t want to come, it doesn’t matter that it was your niece’s birthday and you forgot when you told me you would come out.
My name is Adam and I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, at 30 years old I understand logically that I have friends but at the end of the day I can’t name more than 1 or 2 people that in my mind don’t hate, pity, or feel sorry for me. I feel like when I go out for my birthday people only come out due to pity, not that they come out because they like me and want to hang out on my birthday but because they feel bad that I don’t have any friends so they suck it up and hang out with someone they don’t really like.
To anyone else out there who feels this way please, please, please understand you are not alone, you do have friends and family that love you, it may not seem like it but you do.