Its a new year.
It has been exactly a year since I asked for a divorce.
Somehow I thought I would regret it, or that a year down the road I would be a mess because I had no idea what to do or how to take care of myself.
And yet, here I am, doing well for the most part, and not only taking care of me but managing to take care of my daughter as well. I have accomplished way more in the last year than I could have imagined, but there are things that I needed to be doing that constantly were put aside.
I did not go to nearly as many concerts over the course of the year as I had in years previous, and in light of my situation I will probably go to even fewer this year. And somehow I do not really mind, because it just does not hold the importance it used to. I will just have to find other ways to get out my aggression and adrenaline or start acting like the rest of my gender. Probably not.
This is usually one of the better times of the year for me, as the holidays that I hate have passed, my birthday is creeping up, and it eventually starts getting warmer. Last year there was so much recklessness centered around the divorce that I quietly passed through it, trying not to make things worse. I did nothing to celebrate and it really bothered me because I was in a really bad place in my head.
This year is different. Normally I would have planned out something, would be compulsively organizing it trying to ensure that everything happens the way I want it to, and I am not. Because part of me is learning to surrender control sometimes, and part of me has already learned that sometimes its more pleasant to wander the day away than plot routine conspiracies.
So now I sit in the solitude of my home, knowing I have to work a long shift tonight, knowing that my daughter finally goes back to school tomorrow, and knowing that I need to go to the store still this evening. In reflecting I realize I have just typed a handful of words and I have really not said anything, but that is fine, as I am slowly conditioning myself to get back into the habit of doing that thing that I love so much. Writing.
If you are still with me, still reading, I hope you had a wonderful new years celebration and I hope this year treats you better than the last one. You either grow or you decay, you cannot remain still. So get moving, and do something for yourself, and try to smile alot along the way.
AgentofOblivion
It has been exactly a year since I asked for a divorce.
Somehow I thought I would regret it, or that a year down the road I would be a mess because I had no idea what to do or how to take care of myself.
And yet, here I am, doing well for the most part, and not only taking care of me but managing to take care of my daughter as well. I have accomplished way more in the last year than I could have imagined, but there are things that I needed to be doing that constantly were put aside.
I did not go to nearly as many concerts over the course of the year as I had in years previous, and in light of my situation I will probably go to even fewer this year. And somehow I do not really mind, because it just does not hold the importance it used to. I will just have to find other ways to get out my aggression and adrenaline or start acting like the rest of my gender. Probably not.
This is usually one of the better times of the year for me, as the holidays that I hate have passed, my birthday is creeping up, and it eventually starts getting warmer. Last year there was so much recklessness centered around the divorce that I quietly passed through it, trying not to make things worse. I did nothing to celebrate and it really bothered me because I was in a really bad place in my head.
This year is different. Normally I would have planned out something, would be compulsively organizing it trying to ensure that everything happens the way I want it to, and I am not. Because part of me is learning to surrender control sometimes, and part of me has already learned that sometimes its more pleasant to wander the day away than plot routine conspiracies.
So now I sit in the solitude of my home, knowing I have to work a long shift tonight, knowing that my daughter finally goes back to school tomorrow, and knowing that I need to go to the store still this evening. In reflecting I realize I have just typed a handful of words and I have really not said anything, but that is fine, as I am slowly conditioning myself to get back into the habit of doing that thing that I love so much. Writing.
If you are still with me, still reading, I hope you had a wonderful new years celebration and I hope this year treats you better than the last one. You either grow or you decay, you cannot remain still. So get moving, and do something for yourself, and try to smile alot along the way.
AgentofOblivion
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