everything i said in the last entry came true. every last fucking thing. i wrote this last night, sometime in the 5 a.m. hour:
i said earlier that i wanted to break everything. so i did. some of the things broken in one fell swoop:
1. myself.
2. a chance at a friendship i'd wanted badly because i value this person that much...finally somebody i felt like i clicked with which would ease my sense of being at berkeley immensely...augh i'm an idiot...
3. probably significant damage to the way those involved view me. (see also, amanda the "crazy girl").
so. after a night of hysterical behavior so over the top naya suggested i just tell everyone i was drunk...i'm now writing this...naked in my kitchen...except for kody's bandana, tied round my neck. the only reason i can think of that would cause me to knowingly lose control this way and to be completely powerless to it--too get so wound up throughout the day that i am going to explode and i can put it off but it's not going away--is a chemical problem, e.g. my meds aren't working. my meds can only stop working for 2 reasons:
A. The doseage is no longer high enough (probably accurate after a year of the same dose)
B. The things i'm doing to myself make it hard for medication to work.
For now i'm going with choice B because i can do something about it, now. if choice A is the problem, i can't do anything about that until i enounter my psychiatrist which should be within a few weeks. but let's make damn sure that's the problem, first. choice B is very feasible--i've done a lot of things i shouldn't over the past month. i decree that i will work on the following, effective immediately:
1. no more coffee. i don't care how tired i am. i'm not taking ambien anymore; there's no excuse.
2. regular and reasonable sleep schedule.
3. regular meals.
4. VERY regimented schedule--no meals nor meds are to be skipped.
5. physical activity: run off your frustration. just run until you cry. that's the one thing you should've done yesterday that you didn't.
6. masturbation. i think it should actually be scheduled, and it should be the only time of the day in which i'm allowed to think about men in a seriously sexual sense. my new mantra is as follows: there will be no men. don't even fucking think about it.
i keep beating myself up over how stupid i can be when i'm falling out of control. i can't stop sometimes. there's that other part of me, the one that hates me so much it won't let me have anything nourishing, it snatches the drivers' seat. Luke would've made a good friend...and i think i was capable of knowing him without wanting to pin him to a wall...erm, or at least not to the point that it'd torture me. damn. i really liked him as a human--psychological and intellectual nourishment. but nooo destructive me comes in and says oh i'll make you run so fast, boy...
but i chose my actions, sorta, anyway. they're done, they're gone and i must bear the consequences of my loss of control. this is a strong lesson to me...just like making jesse jealous this last time was. i fucked up, biiiiig and i guess...that's how i have to learn sometimes...because god forbid i would listen to either of my therapists telling me to stop setting myself up...i did this with max a few months ago and i've done it again now. i slap my own hand and tell myself that it's time to stop this shit. this MUST stop. do not throw yourself at boys who clearly have no interest in you. that would be called self-destructive. you can say "but that's how i felt" but that doesn't fix it. you think you want to ruin things for yourself but you don't. it's the two parts again. butting heads.
it's frustrating too because there had been plenty of cases recently where i'd been a big flirt and not gotten way attached ...much less so possessive that i'd get upset when the guy goes to hang out with anybody else...especially when he's fucking DATING someone else jesus fucking christ ya crazy wench...the thought somehow intersects of 'does he really have no interest in me?' of course. he's got a girlfriend. she's pretty. but but but the way he looked at me that night, the night he started taking off his pants...that look, much like the one max used to do that might as well have been a hand between my legs...i'm not normally such a bad interpretter of these things but i guess i misinterpretted that facial expression or it was purely in jest and i got caught up in sexuality that wasn't intentionally placed.
the way i reacted was primarily this outburst of the way i'd felt all day though...that burning, pointed desire for pleasureable male attention (as opposed to getting hit on by stupid men who have no potential and no interesting qualities), validation. and when it was taken away...i just had a tantrum...gah, especially in comparison to naya who's all beautiful 'n spiritual 'n intuitive 'n ethereal. not that he went to her for that.
it was such a stupid thing to do. i knew it was. but i just couldn't stop. just like dating eric. just like all the episodes last year. just like max. just like kody. i couldn't stop once it took over. maybe i should take up an obsessive hobby again. no time for men, just disappear. maybe just become obsessed with playing the apassionata. or doing 2.5 hours of yoga/day again. i think that's a good idea. drown self, leave no trace.
this has to do with school though too, i think. about pushing myself, about the way school makes me dysfunctional too. the way it is more important than i am and i forget to have fun and just push push push push.
but push i must. still. god i fucked up. i'm so mad at myself. i don't want to forgive myself for this, this was really royally stupid.
i said earlier that i wanted to break everything. so i did. some of the things broken in one fell swoop:
1. myself.
2. a chance at a friendship i'd wanted badly because i value this person that much...finally somebody i felt like i clicked with which would ease my sense of being at berkeley immensely...augh i'm an idiot...
3. probably significant damage to the way those involved view me. (see also, amanda the "crazy girl").
so. after a night of hysterical behavior so over the top naya suggested i just tell everyone i was drunk...i'm now writing this...naked in my kitchen...except for kody's bandana, tied round my neck. the only reason i can think of that would cause me to knowingly lose control this way and to be completely powerless to it--too get so wound up throughout the day that i am going to explode and i can put it off but it's not going away--is a chemical problem, e.g. my meds aren't working. my meds can only stop working for 2 reasons:
A. The doseage is no longer high enough (probably accurate after a year of the same dose)
B. The things i'm doing to myself make it hard for medication to work.
For now i'm going with choice B because i can do something about it, now. if choice A is the problem, i can't do anything about that until i enounter my psychiatrist which should be within a few weeks. but let's make damn sure that's the problem, first. choice B is very feasible--i've done a lot of things i shouldn't over the past month. i decree that i will work on the following, effective immediately:
1. no more coffee. i don't care how tired i am. i'm not taking ambien anymore; there's no excuse.
2. regular and reasonable sleep schedule.
3. regular meals.
4. VERY regimented schedule--no meals nor meds are to be skipped.
5. physical activity: run off your frustration. just run until you cry. that's the one thing you should've done yesterday that you didn't.
6. masturbation. i think it should actually be scheduled, and it should be the only time of the day in which i'm allowed to think about men in a seriously sexual sense. my new mantra is as follows: there will be no men. don't even fucking think about it.
i keep beating myself up over how stupid i can be when i'm falling out of control. i can't stop sometimes. there's that other part of me, the one that hates me so much it won't let me have anything nourishing, it snatches the drivers' seat. Luke would've made a good friend...and i think i was capable of knowing him without wanting to pin him to a wall...erm, or at least not to the point that it'd torture me. damn. i really liked him as a human--psychological and intellectual nourishment. but nooo destructive me comes in and says oh i'll make you run so fast, boy...
but i chose my actions, sorta, anyway. they're done, they're gone and i must bear the consequences of my loss of control. this is a strong lesson to me...just like making jesse jealous this last time was. i fucked up, biiiiig and i guess...that's how i have to learn sometimes...because god forbid i would listen to either of my therapists telling me to stop setting myself up...i did this with max a few months ago and i've done it again now. i slap my own hand and tell myself that it's time to stop this shit. this MUST stop. do not throw yourself at boys who clearly have no interest in you. that would be called self-destructive. you can say "but that's how i felt" but that doesn't fix it. you think you want to ruin things for yourself but you don't. it's the two parts again. butting heads.
it's frustrating too because there had been plenty of cases recently where i'd been a big flirt and not gotten way attached ...much less so possessive that i'd get upset when the guy goes to hang out with anybody else...especially when he's fucking DATING someone else jesus fucking christ ya crazy wench...the thought somehow intersects of 'does he really have no interest in me?' of course. he's got a girlfriend. she's pretty. but but but the way he looked at me that night, the night he started taking off his pants...that look, much like the one max used to do that might as well have been a hand between my legs...i'm not normally such a bad interpretter of these things but i guess i misinterpretted that facial expression or it was purely in jest and i got caught up in sexuality that wasn't intentionally placed.
the way i reacted was primarily this outburst of the way i'd felt all day though...that burning, pointed desire for pleasureable male attention (as opposed to getting hit on by stupid men who have no potential and no interesting qualities), validation. and when it was taken away...i just had a tantrum...gah, especially in comparison to naya who's all beautiful 'n spiritual 'n intuitive 'n ethereal. not that he went to her for that.
it was such a stupid thing to do. i knew it was. but i just couldn't stop. just like dating eric. just like all the episodes last year. just like max. just like kody. i couldn't stop once it took over. maybe i should take up an obsessive hobby again. no time for men, just disappear. maybe just become obsessed with playing the apassionata. or doing 2.5 hours of yoga/day again. i think that's a good idea. drown self, leave no trace.
this has to do with school though too, i think. about pushing myself, about the way school makes me dysfunctional too. the way it is more important than i am and i forget to have fun and just push push push push.
but push i must. still. god i fucked up. i'm so mad at myself. i don't want to forgive myself for this, this was really royally stupid.
One BP friend who went temporary insane and thought his coworkers were a part of an international conspiracy perpetuated by the corporation he works for - his meds were off. He ended up confronting them creating a company-wide incident. Fortunately, his psychiatric bill was paid by the company and he is much better working for them. He's an anti-authoritorian of sorts and knows that corporations are corrupt, but his episodic ideas were out their.
Also , my first two girlfrends had some mental trouble. I attracted it, my behavior was out their at the time. The first was BP. I think I was a little to klingy for her. The second, I don't know. Actually we had one date. She scared me away. A beautiful woman, an excellent singer and a good lyricist. Its just I was hoping to get to know her a little more before talking about marriage, kids, and a white picket fence. (Frankly I was interested in her because she did not seem to bee the white picket fence type.) She stalked me for 3 months. I heard later that her parents instutitionalized her. I was sad. I don't think an institution would help.
So, it could be worse!
If you drown yourself, you'll be the living dead. Yikes! Isn't that what the norms do? Seems to me thats the road to insanity (normaility), drowning your self.