_catalyst_

okay, i was like that once in after a year in this one relationship, but still unded up dating them for 3 years! after that, whomever i was dating i cheated on them if i had the chance because i ended up having regrets from that last relationship. a cuple yearsago i dated this girl for a year, was happy but there were times that i questioned the relationship either because i thought it could be a little better, or i met people who i thought werte so awesome and i wished she was too. she was good enough that if i thought about it working out it could've ,but i knew i'd always be wondering what if? we broke up and i met someone amazing. i still am friends with the other ex too, it was hard at first obviously because of the feelings, but time heals wounds. so ask yourself, are you gonna always be thinking what if? move on because you will always wonder or wish it until you meet someone else. besides if you guys love each other as you say you do, you will always be there for each other eventually. unfortunately prepare yourself for the worst scenarios of hurting him and you feeling like a horrible person, but to me it sounds like you must move on . just like you said, i felt 80% happy with the one girl and felt like crap when i dumped her because i felt she was the only one in the world who gave a shit about me and then i kill her emotionally. it was horrible. but until you find that 100%,and i feel i did, you are always gonna be wondering what if and/or you're gonna cheat on them...which might be easier by making them hate you for a long time, but you will be friends again..it just won't be as the same if you leave him now before you cheat on him! trust me! if you value him but you know what you feel you need in your heart, leave him now before you hurt him more eventually. i hope this helps..

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

But, I know it in my life, not yours. I know H*e, not Shawn. So I really can't give you any advice. All I can say is- this sucks, huh?

I'm moving soon, and very much in love, but at the same time I know there might be something else out there, and I don't want to risk not knowing what that something else was because I was too insecure to pursue it. But then at the same time I wonder if I'm insecure at all, or if I'm just aware that my boyfriend loves me and is awesome and that this is hard to find. I don't know. I don't know.

The sex thing though, I have been through that. I had a boyfriend a few years ago, very long term relationship, and I knew I was getting over it when I didn't want to have sex anymore. That was the beginning of the end. I'm not saying it's the same for you, but when we got to the point where we hadn't done anything for a few months, I knew it wasn't the type of relationship I wanted. If you can MAKE yourself be attracted to him, great. If you can't, good luck making it last. It's hard to not be attracted to your partner, and you might have to consider whether or not that's something that'll ever change for you.

I don't know if any of this helped, your entry just really got me thinking. Let me know how things work out, and good luck.

If you love him then set him free.I know it sounds cliche but in this case its completely true. In doing so you will free yourself. Right now you are afraid of losing what makes you feel comfortable. But feeling comfortable does not nessisarily make one free or happy. You both have learned so much from each other...
But in some relationships, there comes a time when you have learned all you can, loved all you could,and still feel like your path leads elsewhere. Once you start feeling this that period of your life ends and another begins.
Before a new day can dawn however, you need to make peace with your boyfriend and with the inner turmoil within yourself. Stop procrastinating. If you allow fear to take over you will never grow and achieve what you want to.

Life is hard sometimes.

I'm really drunk, but after reading all this all I can say is just keep on keepin on. It doesn't sond like you did anything wrong.

Maybe this Saturday....cherrybomb00 and rojo will be here. Actually CB is coming earlier...tomorrow...so if you want to go to a invite only party with us, free food and drinks 7-9 on Thursday, let me know!

Holy Fuck! I can't believe you're leaving Shawn!

As you know...I also suffer from hypoglycemia and was concerned about no protein on the cleanse. But after the first 2 days, I was fine. The most severe hypoglycemic swings are often rebounding from the processed sugars, white flours, alcohol and caffeine we ingest. Once everything was eliminated, I really didn't have any trouble...especially with spaciness and that floating feeling that I used to get after my long shifts at the W. Bringing my detox juice to work kept me energetic all day. I can't explain it, but it worked, so don't write it off yet.

But, like I said, it's pretty hard-core and takes real dedication so it's not for everyone. To me, it was like taking a vacation for my health. All I did was read, write, work, and walk. I did a lot of journaling, which helped. Because my emotions were detoxing and being purged too. It really was a spiritual experience. Ask any one of my friends who saw me go through it....BIG change. And I met you a few weeks after that (you probably wouldn't have liked me as much before...hee, hee! Stressed out Bitch!)

Would you like to be my partner in crime on Saturday? Stupid me couldn't get back to San Diego in time this weekend. One of these days I'll figure out that going to the gay bar on boys night is going to get old very quickly.....

You can order a new license online! They'll mail it to you...no lines

whoa! I am bipolar....

You wanna go out to the Flame on Saturday?

where are you gonna go to school (maybe)?

All I need is arms and legs....and boxes....(hee, hee) I've got my roommate's truck!