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Living with a teenage hooligan that is prone to lying has helped me put things into perspective regarding my own tender years growing up. It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that there was no possible way I ever really got away with anything.

You didn't realize it when you were a teenager yourself, but your parents were so far away from believing anything you...
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VIEW 25 of 70 COMMENTS
skryche:
Ha! Yes, I had a good time Friday night. I don't even resent the lack of piggyback rides.
siv:
Your humor points make any potential guilt points reverse-telescope into oblivion, like the opposite of those little dwarfy bath sponge-pill thingies. This would be more fun if you would update, Mr. T.

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I just knew that when I walked out of my house this morning wearing an Amsterdam t-shirt that it was open call for friendly idiots. Sure enough, my early morning dumbass encounter rating was off the charts.

Dumbass survival tip #1: If someone starts a sentence with "dude", and they are neither your friend nor being sarcastic, brace yourself for something mind shatteringly stupid.

Bearing...
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VIEW 25 of 48 COMMENTS
fancier:
I just helped.
wren:
You are a sexy bastard.

I sometimes let out a "dude" here and there - at the beginning of a sentance, even - but when you spend a good year hanging out with 19-year-old stoners, well, it's to be expected.
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I'm too what???

So I went to the audition for that VH1 dating show. My original plan was to show up in my fully developed ninja personality, but I decided against it at the last second. It wasn't for the lack of balls or anything, I just wasn't feeling the crowd. That kind of humor relies upon the ignorance of the intended target, and in...
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VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
sluttygoodgirl:
Oh. My. God. Your dating profile. I was crying laughing. I have said this once before, but you HAVE to be the funniest guy on this damn site. Thank you. Fuckin' hilarious.
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Wow. How much do I not want to update? I think it's because I see myself as a quality over quantity sort of guy, and I usually don't write anything unless I think it's going to make you laugh, vomit, or - in some kind of kick-ass unimaginable way - both at the same time. But don't let this entry fool you. I still don't...
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VIEW 25 of 28 COMMENTS
doineanta:
HAHAHHAHAHAHA...I knew it would NEVER happen. Cheers to the iceberg fool'! kiss game ova playa! you know EXACTLY what im talking about. wait till you see the sweet cut on my face!
freyja__:
the only chance i would give him is a chance to walk away before i start making fun of him.
tongue
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My Weekend has a First Name, it's D-R-U-N-K

When it comes to going out at night, people quickly come to realize that I never actually state my intentions to break the retard barrier in record times. I tend to speak in various non-specific code phrases. They're pretty easy, so I'll break them down here into two separate categories: What I said and what I really...
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VIEW 25 of 47 COMMENTS
pandamonium:
*fixes fresh sweet tea for sad Yankee* wink

people will always yell at you, even if what they're screaming is what you've just told them.


samling:
ninja slippers would ROCK!

i am not a pee pee pants, homo.
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Hangovers are impervious to karate

After spending some well earned time with my Father of the Year coffee mug, I decided to cash in my good parenting karma points and ditch my brother to dance and get drunk in Philly over the weekend. Some of the nagging feelings that earned me all of those points to begin with were playing loudly on my guilt strings,...
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VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
trevallion:
Do you have Bobo does Dallas Volumes II-V? (the first is a classic and I'm assuming every respectable chimp porn fetishist has it. The others were more directed at the underworld of chimpanzee voyeurism) If not, we may be able to make a deal here. They are soon to be released in boxed set laserdisc format and I'm proud to say that I'm first on the waiting list!
waxangel:
You are dangerously close to never having my sweet cock in your crack EVER AGAIN!!!

Fucking show up like you say you will once in a while, bitch. I know it's hard to face your own sad mortality when confronted by an inhuman booty-gancing, dude-licking, whiskey-sweating nightmare such as myself, but I promise you'll come out mostly alive.
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RADNESS VS. YOUR SANITY!
A Paul W.S. Anderson Retrospective

If the world existed in a galaxy weaved from the chocolate covered wishes of fairies, we would all live lives as fulfilling as Paul W.S. Anderson's. But the galaxy is not spun from fairie magic. In fact, the only fairies that even exist in our unfulfilling lives have their own TV show where they yell at...
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VIEW 25 of 56 COMMENTS
al:
You can pry that book from my cold, dead, cryptographically 1337 fingers.
pinhead66:
Dude...I just need to come to the East Coast so we can fuck some shit up! That entry was enlightening and filled with all sorts of hilarity.
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Whoa! My eyes are bloodshot! Go fuckin' figure!

So my week did indeed end up being more awesome than a de-railed train jumping a pit full of giant flame throwing scorpions. But just like any stunt involving high-speed locomotives and fire, unexpected situations did arise.

- Laser tag night, which I redubbed Laser Mission 2: The Reckoning, starring me and the ghost of Brandon Lee...
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VIEW 25 of 63 COMMENTS
kikka:
*bow*
you sound like my mom!
mercie:
Love the new profile picture. biggrin

Hope you have a good weekend!!
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Friday the 13th Part 27: Ninja Takes Manhattan

This week is starting to look so damn sexy that if doesn't cut it out, I'm going to dry hump it while whispering tender words of affection in its ear. Which is probably a good thing since I just looked down at myself and realized that my lack of any desire to go outside the last couple...
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VIEW 25 of 45 COMMENTS
broadwaybee:
Well hurry up and FUCKING INVITE HIM!
judypatricia:
I took that picture, drunk-o! See if you can get a hold of it here, it should come up.

How was the wedding? And the bar? wink
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The Tears of a Clown
(or as language translating website Babelfish calls it in Japanese: Damage of buffoonery teacher!)


Judging from the number of comments bursting from the seams of my last journal entry, it was just as much fun to read as it was to write. Schweet! I'm glad to see that's the case though since complaining is for people who haven't gotten their...
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VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
infinitelykaty:
Thanks for making "off the chizzain" part of every sentence I utter for the next five days.
thelibra:
hahaha
unbooya.
ahahaha!
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Boredom Just Kicked Me in the Dick and Left Me for Dead

Every once in a while, I'm overcome with such a complete sense of boredom that it turns me into the most unlikable non-child star that you've ever met.

If I wanted to sound like a new age dip-shit, I'd probably attribute it to the moon, since it seems to happen in cycles. If...
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VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
dunx:
Yeah, for one thing, we're actually gonna win this one. From the Texas point of view I mean.
Good call on the uniforms, and if I might give a small piece of advice: neon lights. Lots of 'em. Like Tron, only MUCH tougher-looking. Oh, and not like that fat guy with the camel-toe who made his own and whose picture you saw all over. the boards.
It'll need an on/off swith, too, since it won't do to be lit up during secret raids and assassinations and shit. How many S's are in that word?
Hope your boredom gets better. go find some little kids to hit in the head with bricks or something. Then run.
wuvmonki:
Psh, I so understand your boredom. Any post of mine will reflect this.

loveooo aaa
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VIEW 25 of 50 COMMENTS
seth0067:
yeah yeah, i miss you too, fag.
judypatricia:
Did you get my text message, foo'?