kristoph

i am going to the sg thing tonight.
yes indeedy.
fate has once again done a 180, only this time in my favour.
splendid.

i'm gonna stop posting here when i'm unhappy i think.
because i know everyone's sick of it & it only comes out as cryptic emo bullshit poetry anyway, half of which are just words that sound good and are expressing feelings...
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i can't look away.
i can't. i refuse.
it's a horrorshow scene for sure.
absolute
and blinding.
and it's burning away my denial.

this is shock therapy
this is the acid test, baby.
these are the words
and this is the impulse.
and to hell with apologies.

spin me a story,
one just before sleep.
and i'll place myself in it.
i'm the goddamn hero....
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i hate coming home to find no one online.
i mean, it really gets to me.
how sad is that?
especially when i need to discuss things with people and i don't have the cash to call or text them right now.
i know.
i know it's a stupid thing to get wound up about.
but what is this journal for if not documenting my...
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so i'm not going to cheltenham for the hub night anymore.
i'm so fucking angry i can't even express it.

i've been feeling a really strong need to be near the sea recently.
and the sun...i'm craving the sun.
it feels like winter has lasted a lifetime.

i've always been negative towards the beach. years of family holidays being forced to go there. to make the most of it whilst you're on vacation.
but forced time together & family bickering and packed lunch and overcrowded...
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i was right to be silent
and step aside when i did.
about time i started listening to my gut.
seems it was the plan all along.

also...
i want to be black & white. with my own contrast control.
and i want to embody the thoughts in my head.
that is...
...it's the only way i can express it.
i want people to be...
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so last night was pretty cool.
i felt so fucking bad that i had to hit up the person who's birthday it was for drinks money though.
couldn't even get him a present.

then when people started pairing off & there was five of us i knew it was time to leave.
i've been the silent one all too often.
people breaking off from their...
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of course i wonder what you're doing now
of course i hope you're happy
i extracted myself because i knew it was useless
and i kept my mouth shut and signed it away.

i wish i could tangle words
and be so goddamn cryptic
and pull that thread
you did so well to unravel.
but i'm just a mouth
anchored heartwise.
i'm always the grease...
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last night was a perfect show.
we looked good and sounded like gods, man.
rocked out with my foot on the monitor too.
must be a weird site to catch an instrumental band doing that.
you wouldn't see mogwai kicking it iron maiden style.
no sir.

many faces missing from the crowd though. never quite the same without some folk. you know who you are....
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it's all so fleeting.
i've always wanted the things i say here to leave an impression. i want them to be permenant. lasting. but i know they're read and forgotten and the crowds are hungry for the next piece.
this is bite-size self publishing. sound-bite expression.
one sentiment erased by the next and i keep repeating myself in the hopes that some of it might...
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i want to look into your eyes and see you cry.
that would be an apology stronger than any words you could use.
because i know you never let yourself cry unless you mean it.

and i feel weak because just thinking this makes me feel like a terrible person.
and i feel weak because you've made me have to think about it again.
and...
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so i'm driving home in a friend's car, feet on the dash, thinking.
thinking of what i'm gonna write in here tonight. stuff about missed chances, wasted opportunities, lost time.
it was gonna be fucking beautiful.
you would've been weeping by now.

really...

i came round to thinking about my ex-fiance, where thoughts of wasted time tend to lead me, (yes, fact fans, i was...
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