I'm going away. I suck at human interactions. Having a journal is too dangerous. I end up hurting everyone I care about because deep inside me there's an evil, vindictive, malicious, spiteful person. I hide from people to keep them from being sucked into dark hole residing within me.
Someone once told me I was denying those around me a part of myself by hiding....
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Someone once told me I was denying those around me a part of myself by hiding....
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Look, I know he's not a giant jerk or some heartless brute. But everyone needs to remember, I'm hurting. My journal is my only release. Not everything I say in here is fair and balanced. Fuck, that's what I do all day. It's nice to have a place where I can write MY! thoughts and not cite sources or fact check.
In my defense, he...
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In my defense, he...
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moonrabbit:
Damn straight... As for being embarrased about your body. You should become a suicidegirl so you can get ten pages of comments from guys and girls and ontop of it all, get paid for being naked!! Which is something he will never get... Fwahahahahahaa...
All I want to do is cry. It shouldn't bother me so damn much. It was just two months. There weren't many "I love you"s. I tried to not get emotionally attached. Maybe I just feel so hurt, like I've been rejected yet again. It's always, "you're just not worth the effort."
I go back and forth between wanting to slap him and just scream...
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I go back and forth between wanting to slap him and just scream...
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crystalmiel:
Hey honey...
Im sorry that all this went down the way it did...i was just reading this i just want to tell you from experience...as long as you feel that "you are not worth the effort." that is the vibe the guy will get and will want to run away...you have to be confident about who you are...you are a smart girl and you have alot going for you but as long as you stay pesstimestic this will keep happening...we all get self doubt but you cant let it rule you...i get self doubt all the time but i reinvert my mind to see the possitive side...
You make my brother look like an uncaring basterd...this is not true...he cares about you alot...but you were just hurt by your ex and your mindset isnt ready for the type of relationship he needs...one with emotions...one that make his heart go boom...you say you dont want one with emotions...there is that type of guy out there for you...but really is that what you want???
hope you feel better...be possitive...this is the only thing that will prevail...and as far as all the things you did for my brother...just think of it as good Karma...someone else will get you back 10 times fold so dont become bitter about it and stay sweet and generous...it will come back somehow...
cioa sweety
Im sorry that all this went down the way it did...i was just reading this i just want to tell you from experience...as long as you feel that "you are not worth the effort." that is the vibe the guy will get and will want to run away...you have to be confident about who you are...you are a smart girl and you have alot going for you but as long as you stay pesstimestic this will keep happening...we all get self doubt but you cant let it rule you...i get self doubt all the time but i reinvert my mind to see the possitive side...
You make my brother look like an uncaring basterd...this is not true...he cares about you alot...but you were just hurt by your ex and your mindset isnt ready for the type of relationship he needs...one with emotions...one that make his heart go boom...you say you dont want one with emotions...there is that type of guy out there for you...but really is that what you want???
hope you feel better...be possitive...this is the only thing that will prevail...and as far as all the things you did for my brother...just think of it as good Karma...someone else will get you back 10 times fold so dont become bitter about it and stay sweet and generous...it will come back somehow...
cioa sweety
crystalmiel:
oh something else...try yoga...working out helps and inhances the indorphins (the chemical in your brain that makes you feel happy) increase...i just started doing yoga and it awesome...take care...
[Edited on Nov 20, 2005 11:31PM]
[Edited on Nov 20, 2005 11:31PM]
In my mind I recoil into a corner. The corner is dark and I'm sitting with my knees to my chest. This is the safest place for me. Alone in the dark no one knows I'm there. They cannot see me. They cannot hurt me.
If there is no point, then there is no need. No need for me. Yet again I fear being told...
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If there is no point, then there is no need. No need for me. Yet again I fear being told...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
moonrabbit:
*wuv cuddle*
godiva666:
I really liked this blog.
I feel like that....
Thank you for writing this.
<3
I feel like that....
Thank you for writing this.
<3
I've been bristling all day like a spooked cat. I feel it's time for me to disappear for a bit. It doesn't mean I love any of you less. I just need time for me. I can't keep up with people and school work right now. One has to go and unfortunately I've been giving people more attention than schoolwork so it's only fair I...
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girthy:
Don't worry hon, it has nothing to do with you. I'm just feeling really shitty lately.
girthy:
Did you not read the whole thing?
"I'm just not feelin' it, what's the point? Really?"
DEPRESSION. That would be a better definition to look up, hon.
"I'm just not feelin' it, what's the point? Really?"
DEPRESSION. That would be a better definition to look up, hon.
Semester ends in four weeks. I have so much shit to do. I feel like I won't ever finish it all. I still have to do that 16-page research paper. I at least have some information now. I just need to get more. I have a lot of reading to do and the copy editing final project. I either lost my pica pole or someone...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
nghtdvl:
Thanks for the photoshop tips offer, but I've recently moved to TheGimp in an effort to support the free software projects. 
I know they can't really compare for people who use them a lot, but at my skill level they can
Besides the batch processor, there's not much I miss from my Photoshop days.
Good luck with getting all the papers and stuff done!
I know they can't really compare for people who use them a lot, but at my skill level they can
Besides the batch processor, there's not much I miss from my Photoshop days.
Good luck with getting all the papers and stuff done!
sirpsychosexy:
Thanks. 
Cool, we have almost the same birthday.
Cool, we have almost the same birthday.
I went to Target to buy loaf pans tonight. They have all their Christmas decorations out and it just feels so damn jolly and wonderful. I just feel so fucking depressed. I suddenly realized i will be alone at Christmas this year. Let me explain...
The last three Christmases the boy and I were together. We celebrated at each other's houses and had a grand...
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The last three Christmases the boy and I were together. We celebrated at each other's houses and had a grand...
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macska:
I'm sorry darling. I have a simlilar situation this year. My family lives in NY and I usually go spend the holidays wth them, but this year I can't get enough time off work. And yeah, the past two years my boy and I went to NY together during the holidays. Last year we spent actual Christmas day in OR with his family, who I seriously love even more than my own. I'm not looking forward to this year. 
moonrabbit:
*Cuddle* You and your kitty are so cute together. I hope he'll be ok.
I just spent a good half hour on the couch with my Digger, petting and brushing him. Wondering what the hell I'll do once I go to new york, or if something happens to him while I'm gone.... And yeah.. "just a cat' is a Sackable offence if you ask me. Means they need a bit of tenderizing.
I just spent a good half hour on the couch with my Digger, petting and brushing him. Wondering what the hell I'll do once I go to new york, or if something happens to him while I'm gone.... And yeah.. "just a cat' is a Sackable offence if you ask me. Means they need a bit of tenderizing.
nghtdvl:
Thanks for the set comment
I was a little pissed that it was so dark actually when I looked at it, and no amount of color correction with my rudimentary picture editing skills seemed to work well. Took such I while to take these pictures without getting the camera wet, I figured I'd just post them anyways hehe
Pat your cat a bit for me, alright? It's pretty sad, the look they get in their eyes when they are sick. I really hope he turns out alright and if he doesn't by himself, hopefully they can help him live well for a decent while. *hugs*
I was a little pissed that it was so dark actually when I looked at it, and no amount of color correction with my rudimentary picture editing skills seemed to work well. Took such I while to take these pictures without getting the camera wet, I figured I'd just post them anyways hehe
Pat your cat a bit for me, alright? It's pretty sad, the look they get in their eyes when they are sick. I really hope he turns out alright and if he doesn't by himself, hopefully they can help him live well for a decent while. *hugs*
girthy:
Thats not fair, I got ambushed in to that, I answer the phone and you're crying. I was just releaved that it wasn't because of me. And "fireable" eh, well fine, I find it just awesome that you chose to omit the fact that I made up for this in the very same conversation.
I was trying to comfort you, albeit at first I wasn't doing very good, but then I felt I did a good job in the end, and secondly, I know that rule, but it's kind of hard to not get pissed when you make me out to be some kind of asshole. If you're mad at me about something, tell me in private, don't post it for everyone to see. I fucking hate that shit.
[Edited on Nov 09, 2005 6:14PM]
I was trying to comfort you, albeit at first I wasn't doing very good, but then I felt I did a good job in the end, and secondly, I know that rule, but it's kind of hard to not get pissed when you make me out to be some kind of asshole. If you're mad at me about something, tell me in private, don't post it for everyone to see. I fucking hate that shit.
[Edited on Nov 09, 2005 6:14PM]
Had a kick ass time in Vegas. I really want to go back, but with GirthmanCossey.
I'm fairly ticked off at a piece in LA Weekly. I'll leave it at that.
Mom called last night to give me her direct phone number at work. Then nonchalantly tells me she had to take Mad (my black kitty) to the vet yesterday. He's been throwing up...
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I'm fairly ticked off at a piece in LA Weekly. I'll leave it at that.
Mom called last night to give me her direct phone number at work. Then nonchalantly tells me she had to take Mad (my black kitty) to the vet yesterday. He's been throwing up...
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VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
oryon:
boooo
i'm sending a horde of Myrrdraal to your school so you dont have to go anymore, so you can just sit back and read
i'm sending a horde of Myrrdraal to your school so you dont have to go anymore, so you can just sit back and read
oryon:
yes it is a catch 22
well fine, no school destroying...
but uh
glad you like my spectacles and WOT love
well fine, no school destroying...
but uh
glad you like my spectacles and WOT love
I just got some information that makes me feel really bad about something. But I feel there is a lack of evidence to back up some points, leading me to question whether or not this information is true and subsequently making me second guess my feelings.
I guess it's the skeptical journalist in me who wants to see documents or at least documentation of specific...
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I guess it's the skeptical journalist in me who wants to see documents or at least documentation of specific...
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VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
faelynia:
thank you for the invite...
i've now caught up with the second season.... amazing, beutiful, mind blowing.
i've now caught up with the second season.... amazing, beutiful, mind blowing.
chckpotpie:
You know it! What happens in Vegas...yeah right, you know it's gonna come back to LA!!! 
So much I want to write about!
The Halloween Party went really well, as I'm sure you can tell from the new profile picture. She is my first ... how sweet.
The biggest problem at the party was my gay friend, David. He kept groping and molesting all the girls (except Jenn). At first it was OK, but then I made the mistake of (either...
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The Halloween Party went really well, as I'm sure you can tell from the new profile picture. She is my first ... how sweet.
The biggest problem at the party was my gay friend, David. He kept groping and molesting all the girls (except Jenn). At first it was OK, but then I made the mistake of (either...
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The previous entry has been resolved. It took a bit of squabbling but I think we're OK.
I'm not going to Kentucky next week. The new president won't even be on campus. This is good because I can put a little more thought into planning our trip. So if anyone in Nashville or Murray areas want to help, contact me, PLEASE!
I talked to the...
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I'm not going to Kentucky next week. The new president won't even be on campus. This is good because I can put a little more thought into planning our trip. So if anyone in Nashville or Murray areas want to help, contact me, PLEASE!
I talked to the...
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moonrabbit:
*purrr, leans into headruffles, wuv* Yaaay Hallomaween party! Have fun!
moonrabbit:
Now did you leave that message on the first 11:36? or the second 11:36 I wonder?
I think I was up for both. Just trying to remember what I was doing... I think Ronald McDonald was on the computer most of the night by that time... Looked kinda like The Joker.
I think I was up for both. Just trying to remember what I was doing... I think Ronald McDonald was on the computer most of the night by that time... Looked kinda like The Joker.
I hope you can find some solace on here. I think you have some people who are really watching out for you.
We all need to get more comfortable with ourselves, look where I ended up. I think you and I have the Taurus curse - we are too kind and generous to others.