aj_paradiselost

it is a good rant. it helps.


my last entry spoke nothing but the truth. an actual event in my life.

what caused me to open up? i am very fortunate to have someone very close to me.... someone who wants to know me that thoroughly. and once that particular door was cracked open, i just had to get it out.

i have to say - i love that you get me. that you get what i write and that you can see the layers to it - though that one was a simple recounting of the event.

so i put it out there, didn't save a copy for myself and am trying to move beyond it. sounds like a good plan - if only it were so easy. i dare say you'll be seeing bits of that pain in whatever i may write for a good while. but hey, that's what the writing is for - so i don't spend so much time with it running around in my head! but now i have to face this and it's not as simple as i had hoped and yet it's simpler somehow. it just is. my emotions though - they're all over the place. i don't even have words for them yet. i can say that i'm really glad i'm not dead though. wow. i mean it.

[Edited on Dec 11, 2004 8:54AM]

thanks for the comment... j is fuckin awesome... i'll tell him a hello. every tuesday is indie rock night and every wednesday is movie night. good times...

things are awesome and i thank you for your support.

Sorry I missed you last night.. You literally just missed me.. i was feeling a bit.. horny and decided to take care of some bidness. Anyways i will catch up with ya over the weekend sexy he beast,

Your comment in my journal made me laugh so hard it hurt. You are completely insane, you know that? I guess that's why I like you so much.

i liked that bit about the sunglasses. i don't wear 'em though. but that's ok, you don't need to see my eyes to read me. ooh, thought. perhaps one day when you're online and i'm not looking like a total hag, i could pop on the webcam and let you see my eyes that way - since i can't seem to take a decent eye photo. just a thought.

as for where we stand: meow meow, woof woof, growl, growl, howl howl! i never really thought of myself as a cat person actually... but i am a tiger person!

and i also find Trent much more agreeable to listen to.

i've never noticed this wives in bars while hubbies hunt phenomenon. maybe because i don't live or go to bars in areas where a lot of people hunt? that does suck. feel for them, feel for their husbands.

i've got an idea about the sunglasses - since you can read eyes the sunglasses help to maintain both an element of mystery and of anonymity. what you think of that? cuz if you could really see everyone (and by see, i mean read) that you spoke with, the world would be an even more depressing place. and more dangerous for wolves who mate for life. ;o)

It seems like forever since we have chatted.. lets make a online time and meet up on yahoo to chat.. lemme know what works for you..
Hope you have a better day today
Kises to you sexy he beast,

a friend who tends bar at the chameleon/lizard lounge does some pretty amazing stencil art. there's a reception friday 7-9 at quare one on duke for him.
i'm busy enough i suppose, but i really want a job. that's the kind of busy i prefer to be.

ooh! tree is up already? that's the santa-day spirit! i wish you luck with the restraint... or perseverance? maybe just be stubborn with yourself about it? i'm not so good with the restraint either. but you know that.

I went through your hometown this week and thought of you sweetcheeks.
So how the hell have you been sexy? How was your thanksgiving and stuff? We had a beautiful moon on Friday and I thought about you.. yeah silly isnt it? Oh fucking well. Thanks for the bday wishes also. Yeah im 34 and i really dont give a fuck if anyone knows it.. I guess i am kinda like that about everything.. Go figure.. Fuck um.
So anyways sorry to hear about your friend and his girlie problems but your a nice friend to let him crash.. Hope things work out with him though.
Anyways sexy he beast take care

heheh Busted suck there a FAKE rock band there just a boyband that play guitars u know! all my friends love them, i dont! i have taste lol but that guy is hott hehee
anyway hows my AJ doing??

first of all, great new pic!

ok, the suffering i'm talking about need not be physical or emotional or psychological... it can be the pain of birthing a new idea. the intellectual suffering that occurs when you allow yourself to hold contradictory points of view in your mind at the same time. hell, that can bring about other kinds of suffering too... but suffering does not always mean abuse. i'm not using it that way. not self-abuse. not verbal or physical abuse. not social abuse. just the pain of seeing a sunset.

I'm not gonna lie, lol, that freaks me out a lil teensy bit. But whatever you're into hun. lol. I love ya lots and I'll talk to ya soon.

me too. i want to know what your doc is putting you on. many of the newer antidepressants have really nasty side-effects. if you get anxiety attacks, the best thing really is a benzo. klonopin or valium or xanax.... klonopin is longer lasting and therefore less addictive - it just sort of keeps your overall level of anxiety down a bit. i take the xanax only when i know i just can't handle a situation without having an anxiety attack or when i'm having a fucking anxiety attack. some meds are useful. some are very not. (as someone who has taken psych meds of one stripe or another for about half her life, i think i can say that with some authority.) so yeah, i'm worried about what your doc is giving you.

and i'll try to remember never to touch your leather. ;o)

i'm on shit.. you know that though.. just hope she doesn't put you on effexor... shit did nothing to me but give me the shakes and headaches.. and the first day off it.. i went into major fucking withdrawl. i hate meds. i'm supposed to be on way too many of them but i hate it. i hate that i live in a world where i have to take pills to be normal.. its bull.

anyways.. i luv ya and i'll talk to ya later.. hope your holiday went ok

i dunno i kind of enjoy being chased.
i'm an aggressive girl tho... chasing won't be an issue.
oh but i'm not from dirty jerz, i'm from philly.

as for the music...it's not that i think modest mouse is terribly deep. it's that isaac brock can easily capture certain moods of frustration and loneliness without the whininess of bright eyes type music. that's all.

dude, you totally cracked me up with that - who the hell would not know who Clapton is??? oh, and yeah... fortune teller - money well spent. ;o)

i just caught the santa-day spirit a few minutes ago. i do love decorating and having a tree and burning the Yule log on Yule, of course. i needs to get me a Sinatra Christmas compilation. Well, I've got a Pinola (my best friend, Sam) Christmas compilation - some funny shit on there - well beyond Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. I'll be alright. no, i don't believe in santa or jesus (although i'm pretty sure the latter actually existed. for that matter the former did too, but not at all in the form the mythology takes) but i like the smell of pine and i love holly and i really like being able to give a gift that someone will really dig. i like fire in the fireplace and hot chocolate and cookies and just the general festivity of the season. i don't like shopping malls. i'm rambling in your journal again. brian needs a thing. i go.

have a good one sweetie..
Have I told you how much I love opinionated men.. well I do..

yea.. i get what you're sayin. i'm working on accepting myself.. not being accepted by others.. i think.. i hope.. i dunno.. weird week.. ttyl

er go bananas!

time is, time was, time will never be.

my post from today (yesterday - but i've not slept yet, so to me, still today) was about time. time and space and god. the concept of god. sort of written as god. i think god is bad at rhyming. or maybe, when i get to thinking particularly seriously about something, i rhyme poorly just to lighten it up.

there are buddhist monks who meditate on corpses left open in the air for the animals to take.... they watch them change, like bananas, only a little more to my taste. ;o) me and the macabre.... only it's not macabre. it's how things work. it's what happens to everything in time.