missy

Dick Valentine, lead singer of The Electric Six, and I, carried on a conversation lasting well into the night. The hours were lost as we spoke in tongues long forgotten by mortal men. What really happened at Roswell? Where is Jimmy Hoffa? How were the pyramids built? Will Ben and J.Lo last? All these things and more were revealed to me as I sat cradling the phone on the edge of my hotel room bed. Unfortunately, the government, citing an obscure clause of the Patriot Act, confiscated the first six tapes, and all that was left was this partial transcript of the seventh -- approved for your consumption by the Department of Homeland Security, the CIA, NAACP, PTA, and brought to you by Coca-Cola, who want you to know that The Electric Six sound like Kiss gone disco:

KD: Were you born into Rock 'n' Roll, or did you convert?

DV: I converted. I grew up a flaming pansy, listening to Duran Duran and Men At Work. I had to be whipped into submission.

KD: And who was it that converted you?

DV: Hot girls.

KD: You realized you weren't going to get anywhere listening to Duran Duran.

DV: That's right.

KD: Who is the sixth member of the Electric Six [only five are credited in the album]?

DV: Jake Nucleus. He's our synthesizer player.

KD: Where did you find The Rock 'N' Roll Indian?

DV: He was raised by a husband-and-wife team of anthropologists. I had dinner with their daughter one time, and they introduced me to The Rock 'N' Roll Indian. We took him off their hands and got him on the bus.

KD: What tribe's he from?

DV: The uh... Indian tribe.

KD: Is it hard to get white kids to dance?

DV: Yeah, it's pretty hard. I'm not going to lie to you, but it's a calling, man.

KD: What are your five favorite dance albums?

DV: Traveling Without Moving by +Jamiroqui+, and Led Zeppelin I, II, III, and IV.

KD: You sing often enough about Hell that one would assume that you've actually been there. What's it like?

DV: It's not such a bad place -- if you can get used to the heat.

KD: Is the Devil a good dancer?

DV: The Devil is the DJ.

KD: What does he play?

DV: It's music unlike you've ever heard. It's music that has no rhythm, it has no rhyme, and it goes on forever.

KD: Does the brain move the booty, or does the booty move the brain?

DV: I think the brain moves the booty. I think the brain is capable of manipulating your will into a position where you might have another agenda for the bullshit.

KD: When we talked the other day you mentioned starvation as being the best way for a rock star to die. Is that a serious danger for you guys at this point?

DV: No man, you should see the catering we get over here in the U.K.

KD: What do you got?

DV: Right now I've got a veggie tika sandwich. Mm boy. It's all about the Indian food over here.

KD: If the disco in which you are dancing catches on fire, and you only have time to save one thing - what do you save?

DV: Myself.

KD: Favorite porn of all time.

DV: Interracial Facials.

KD: If the girl you were going for turned down your advances, would you go for her mom?

DV: Yeah, maybe. I probably would actually. [laughs] I never have though, because it always works out with the girl. I never have to go to plan B.

KD: Is that just since the rock star gig, or has it always been that way?

DV: No man, when I was in school I was really good at math.

KD: Under the influence of what drug are The Electric Six best enjoyed?

DV: Cocaine. Faster.

KD: What would the world be like if it were run by The Electric Six?

DV: It would be a harsher, gruffer world. Much like Wyoming.

KD: You've now dominated England, how long does the rest of the world have to live in freedom before you conquer them?

DV: Ten to twelve years. We're not going anywhere quickly.

The Electric Six' debut full-length Danger! High Voltage! is available now in the US & UK. Check out Electric Six.