citrus

there's not much goign on in june.. just work.. painting.. and well..t hat's about it.. well.. there's my trip to birmham..

OMG- I just bought a shirt like that- it's so weird. Because I saw a girl wearing it and I thought- damn that shirt is cute. I'd ask her where she got it but she probably bought it like 2 years ago or something. Guess what? I found it like two seconds late. Whoot. I wrote about it like 5 seconds ago in your journal. TOO FUCKING WEIRD.

Just affirmation that you are like one of the coolest chicks ever. Too weird. Too fucking weird.

Loved this journal entry!

xo

boo!

that me myself and I shit was too funny. I just wrote a letter to a friend about some HELLA wacked out shit. I was talking about how my sister swears to gosh that I suffer from MPD.


She's named all my different personality types.

Birdy- sweet -gentle- non abbrassive- bubbly - wears her heart on her sleeve

Dianne- Completely Opposite of Birdy-girl She's quite abbrassive and she knows several fighting styles and is an excellent markmen~ she'd hold her own in any combative situation wether it be with a giant 250 lb 6 ft tall man or a chuck norris wanna be punk on the street.

Kathy- Monotone- Quiet- a bit confused- (this bitch is a total fucking downer I'm glad she doesn't rear her ugly head that much - and usually when she tries to hang around- she's not completely there anyway- so the depression is more mild. If it's full blown- It sux. She stares into space alot and apparently likes the way walls and non active tvs look as well

Ellie- Combo of all (to a degree)

n I left Natasha out- I'll have to tell you about her in Private. She's a SUPER FREAK. Absolutely not appropriate for a journal comments - even if this is SG. LOL


Anyway- I meant to back log your journal last night. I'll have it done by the time the weekend is over- wether its tonight or later this afternoon.

xoxoxoxoxo
Elle


Sean downloaded some yoga videos. I'm absolutely signing up for classes when we get back- Sean will no doubt come with me. He seems to be pretty interested in it. I'm sure it will fit into his schedule of playing BRUTAL SOCCER on Tuesday's and Layed back Gold on Fridays. He needs some balance. LMAO

Listening to Counting Crows
What are you listening to?

yeah- I can't get over how cute the profile pic is. But obviously you're an alcohalic. (totally kidding)

Just reading through some of your journal entries. Allison made you some earings? I'm gonna make you some too. I bought so many pretty beads in California. I have a huge tote full of jewlery making materials. I need to get cracking. I'll make you a necklace too.

N the thing about chucking gifts that people have given you~ just do it. Most people don't put any thought into shit they buy for you anyway.(not their fault) I know it sounds lame but I'd rather not get a present unless it's thoughful. Like one time my friend Melanie gave me some puffy Hello Kitty stickers and a Tiny HK change purse and I wanted to do naked backflips. It probably cost about 5 bucks. Whereas like Seans sisters have given me crazy ass shit like~ a brown purse for Christmas. WTF? Who does that shit? One of my BEST gal pals bought me these hell of expensive earrings~ but I don't wear flashy gold. I never wear gold. EVER. YUCK. Cards with x's and O's are so totally better than weird shit that collects dust. I try to buy gifts or make gifts for people that they will actual cherish and appreciate for years to come. But yeah- I say chuck/ or sale the stuff n don't fret about it. But take a picture of you wearing or using it first and put it in an album- so that you have proof you loved it dearly before it was stolen or accidently broken. *Wink smile*

Yeah- You know what would be good? I need a key. A list of the people you talk about in your journals so that I can picture them when I read their names. Like Jenny. Or Allison. Of course you don't really have to make me one- I'm totally not serious. I just know what you mean about wanting more information.

xo
I gotta jam- dear daughter is so pissed at me right now. She's stomping around n wearing her angry eyes. I think I've used all our computer time for the day. Hers, mine and dear sons.
OOPSIE

If you are going to be in the city by July 7th-14. Let me know.
Sean has a friend from College he can stay with up there. He'd totally come to see you- I'm sure of it. That would give his dad a chance to visit with his sister (seans aunt) on their own.

You need to send me your addy for postcards.

Love n stuff
Elle

DAMN!!....who's the sexy bitch in the pic yo?!?!

when will i see you again???

Please tell me what is going on...

OHHHHH

The most wonderful thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderful things.
Their tops are made out of rubber,
their bottoms are made out of springs.
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
I'm the only one.
Oh, III'm the only one!

Oh, the wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
Tiggers are wonderful chaps.
They're loaded with vim and vigor.
They love to leap in your lap.
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is ...
III'm the only one!

I'm glad we got to hang out on saturday, it was alot of fun.

I look back and I see me surrounding myself with drama, almost like I'm back in high school again. So many people it seems wish they were back in high school, I'm glad to be out though. I wouldn't want to be there again. I've had my experience, and I've moved on.

I see little things like that, and I think to myself, well I've got some things I need to work on. And I tell myself, I shouldn't try to do anything like move into a relationship, until I've had time to work those out. But then I have a reality check, slap myself on the face and realize that I'm probably always going to be changing. Heraclitean flux, it's the constant of our life.

"Everything changes but change itself."

No man can step in the same rive twice. When he goes back, it's a new river, and he's a new man. Changed if by nothing else, by the fact that he has stepped in the river once already.

"There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide"

- Josh Groban, 'Let me Fall' (From Cirque De Soleil)

I was listening to that today. It reminds me of what we talked about on saturday. Fantasy Vs. Fear. It dominates us. I look back, and realize I was taught from a young age to avoid fear. When something frightened me and sent me running from the room. (Ohhh... the blob... shiver) Instead of teaching me to face it and overcome it, my parents removed it from my presence. I think it's something most parents do. But now I find things that I'm afraid of, and instead of trying to stand up to them, and conquering the fear, I run from it. I hope it will go away and I won't have to face it.

"Anything worth doing, will not be done without risk"

I keep thinking of that. And...

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. "

Those who have lost probably feared to, but took the risk anyway. If nothing else it is a common bond we all can share. Not quite sure how to write it but..

If you cannot find comfort in another in your loss, knowing that they too have lost.

And I'm not sure where to go from there. The idea is growing in my mind but isn't complete yet.

When a writer writes does he write for others, or does he write for himself?

It's cathartic. It seems so confusing. But I when I put it down, I can look at it. I can see all its flaws, and all it's strengths.

hmm....

In the last white wolf game I played with my best friend, (he was the storyteller)) There was a special class of spirits I dealt with. They were called the ideas given form.the IGF's. they weren't supposed to exist, they weren't there when the universe was created. But the combined strength of humanity's belief's brought them into being. They were things like numbers, ideas, like peace, joy.. and love. But love.. there was something wrong with him, he had been changed. In the beginning he was pure, but he became corrupted, because humanity's belief's of love had become corrupted. "Love is a battlefield"

It's amazing how we stress ofver such a little word.

"Most men are like me, they trouble their minds day in and day out, too busy to worry about a little thing like love."

But we obsess over it. do we overdo it sometimes. A friend of mine is getting divorced, and she's pretty upset about it. Her and her husband were getting along well. then they decided to sell their house. When they sold it and signed the paperwork. He handed her another one, the divorce. She's begging him not to do it. She doesn't want to. but it's not just her decision. So she's now looking for a place of her own to stay in, where she can walk her dog, and sit outside at night, and sip a glass of wine. she's trying not to show it, but she's pretty upset.

"Could it be that you're my forever love" how many artists sing about it? how many authors write about it. You'd think in all this time, we might have figured it out. Chocolate is chemically identical to love. So why don't we eat lots of chocolate, and be content with that?

thoughts just jumping out of my mind, I think I've lost track of what I may have wanted to talk about. But erase it, and try to post just that?

Too many good thoughts, and it's nice to let someone else read them. well... perhaps just for a little while I should just stop obsessing, though I've got a very obsessive personality.

I'm gonna miss you guys this weekend when I'm innertubing.

mmmmmmmm salmon

Thank you for your last entry...I tried to answer the best I could considering my tiredness...

hangin & loungin at my place sounds cool. i have plenty O room we can drink, watch movies, play on the net... whatever! i also have extra room for crashin.
call me and lMEk something!!!! call today.

You need to go on Survivor. Send in your tape soon! I think you are a very ambitious person. You do what you set out to do. I think of you as someone who takes charge of the situation anyway. I think you'd be good on that show. Sean always talks about going off and doing it. I hope he does it before they quit doing them.

Pigtails and houseclothes. I love lounging around in Pigtails. I think I do it too much for my age. I have more Hello Kitty shirts than most teenage girls. In fact I'm wearing one right now. I need serious help. Most my tops are novelty tops.

My fat ass is looking pretty cute in these lowcut jeans my mom gave me while I was in California. She gave me 2 pair of lowrise jeans. The other pair of jeans she gave me are too big and baggy for me to wear now. Whoot. I was just putting one roll into a cuff at the bottom and wearing them around the house like that with my Hello Kitty slippers on. Val brought me back some adorable slippers from one of her Boston trips a couple months ago. They are even cuter than the pair I left in storage. These kitties have more glam n glitter. (YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY THINGS THAT SPARKLE) Thats one of Val's expressions but I say it cuz I believe it to be true. I wear this one black sweater with sequens around with t-shirts. My sister gets pissed when I wear it around because she says it's too nice of a sweater to wear everyday. (and?) Why? I love being happy and shiny. So fuck it. I wear it cuz it makes me feel pretty. Even if I am wearing a hello kitty t- under it. (Which I did last night to a NICE mediteranian resteraunt) I felt a little under dressed until Sean pointed out that I was actually wearing sequins. Whoot. *wink smile*

Alot of times I think nothing can break me. Five seconds later I'm crying over a long distance commercial. I actually can be pretty hardcore- but my emotions are at the least- UNPREDICTABLE.

The dad stuff hits too close to home for me to comment on at this time. The part about sewing with his mom made me want to shed a little tear. I remember that. I remember when it was happening. I was one of those two little girls in the family and my sister JoLene was the other. (In our little tribe- so many years ago) She helped me sew an apron for my wicked stepmom. Those were the days.
Anyway- She lives in Oregon so close to me. She's never been anything but kind and loving to me but I can hardley stand being around her anymore. Just because she reminds me of him. *shrugs* Post tramatic stress can fuck people up for life. I wish I could hang out with her and not feel all weirded out. She's a wonderful gramma- I think I'm just a fucked up granddaughter.- TRULY. Theres no reason for me not to see her or call her all the time- but I don't. I see her on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Never see DADDY.

LOL- the whole my daddy's dead thing kinda cracked me up- but I saw this t-shirt the other day that said Daddy's girl- and I fell in love with it- I think it would be a hoot to buy and wear it. (told you I was fucked up) I'll try to do a search on it and send you the link. If you look at it really close- I think it say's Puff really small by Daddys Girl.

Anyway-
Thanks for the email.
I always see people on the teli and think to myself- I bet that's what Penny is like.


xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Did you ever see The Blue Iguana with Darryle Hanna? She has a picture of the guy that played Superman on her livingroom wall. Her friend askes her who it is and she say's- "oh that's my father" and the friend say's to her that's so n so the guy that played superman. N then Darryl Hanna say's "yeah- I meant- I like to think of him as my father."

I think cookies are the best. So is candy.

you're pretty neat!

we have like 18 days till MONK yeeahhhhhhhh!!

remember to hold those suckers in during downward dog yo.

ok but we have another "family meeting" to attend. let's see what my folks pull out if their this time.