benni

i feel... sick.

sweaty sheets and fever dreams. snakes and car chases... colored hair and urgent care.

it was a long night.

ive been away... sick and sleeping, visiting and dreaming... too poetic (if you can call it that) for my own good. 'round these parts they call me auntie tattoo.

please excuse me, whilst i vomit.

im sick. and im freezing. and in two hours and forty five minutes, imonna be in an assload of paaaaain.

but its no ones fault but mine... my poor nerve endings.

i woke up with a start, sweating and lost... feeling so ill. i drew a hot bath and sat in there for awhile... simmering like benni soup. it was nice. i didnt want to...
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soooooo... mutant arm day is almost upon us. again. how i despiiiiiiiiiiiiise it. next tuesday. i will voluntarily let them zap me with lasers. again. i will then proceed to swell, blister, cry, and overall lose my will to live.

and i paid for this? damn right!

you asked if i was a sadist... im starting to think the answer is yes. but i digress....
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it feels safe like im small again, sick and feverish with my mom brushing back my hair and whispering comforting things in my ear... its so perfect it makes you cry even though it is not sad... and so i pulled my legs to my chest and lay there, curled and better, even if only for a little while...

today was terrible and beautiful at...
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"hey kitty..."

"kitty?"

"you move like a cat."

"...and a snake... and a spider... anything more dangerous than just a regular girl..."

"obviously."

"i dont want to be a regular girl..."

"...i dont think you have to worry about that. so long as youre on this planet you wont be a regular girl..."


i lied. sometimes i wish i were.

we didnt sleep too late...
there was a fire in the yard.
all of the trees were alight...
they had no faces to show.
i saw a sign in the sky...
seven swans, seven swans, seven swans...
i heard a voice in the night...
i will try, i will try, i will try...

i will try, i will try, i will try...


resorting to lyrics...
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some entries are just hard to follow.

if i could sleep i would dream more dreams for you, but i cant, so i guess for now its out of the question.

maybe its better that way. no nightmares tonight.

just needs... wants... questions.

desired an update but had nothing to say. imagine that. nothing to say. me.

tragic or nonsense, i always have something to...
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and when she drifted into the room, tiny and built with tragedy and dark circles, in an instant i knew...

i wanted to save her.

but i couldnt do anything for her; i stood on wobbly confused legs and wrapped my arms around her waist while she cried, sinking down to the floor and hugging her knees and rocking and wishing i could stand again......
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i dreamt about you last night... havent slept yet today. youve killed me twice and you keep coming back, but at least last night our conversation was pleasant...

my arm itches.

its night and its morning... ive become completely nocturnal in the past months... i never find myself in bed before the sun starts sneaking across my floor...

and his most commonly asked question?

..."who...
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the cursor is blinking. hes there. now hes not. now hes there.

ive been staring at a blank window for a long time now, too long.

some things... some feelings are hard to put into words.

i fucked up making spaghetti tonight. who can fuck that up but me? it was ready for eatin... good eatin at that... but i dont have a... i cant...
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