zoos

First of all, thank you to everyone for all of the well wishing, checking in, messages, emails, comments, phone calls, ect. etc... I'm sorry I haven't been able to return most of them, things have just been super crazy around here lately, and I'm lucky if I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep in a 24 to 48 hour period. So, no, I'm not ignoring you, or blowing you off, I'm just... very very strung out right now. But I love and miss and appreciate you all.

There isn't really anything new, Nate and I have been wrapped up in our own little caccoon since Isabella came home a week ago.

Isaac's been amazingly understanding and patient for a 4 year old. I've been feeling a little guilty that he hasn't been getting nearly as much attention as he's used to, and he's probably bored to death of sitting around watching movies when we're busy with Isabella, but he never complains. We always took him on some weekly outting, but until Isabella's immunity is a little better we'll have to wait on that. He hasn't even been to the park lately, and I feel bad when he wants me to go outside to run around with him because I'm not even allowed to go up and down stairs yet. I've been trying to be super mom, between boob pumping, boob feeding,boobs leaking... I've got some tired fucking tits. haha... diaper changing, keeping everything tidy and sanitized, making sure I cut out some part of the day to have just Isaac and me time, etc etc etc... Nate's been dealing with a crazy emotional me. I've been a big sap lately, and the poor guy has been walking on eggshells. He always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, which leads to more sickenly sweet mushy moments than some god awful tear jerking chick flick. I've got to be honest, I never expected that, and I never thought I could feel so close to someone. As exhausting as things have been, I've never been happier living in the moment than I have this past week; I've never felt such a whimsical bond before. I say whimsical for lack of a better word; it truly has been surreal. The only thing that really gets to me is any time I'm reminded of Nate's impending deployment.

I mean, it was a bummer. I was aware of the inevitable hardships unique to military families when I said "I do". But I never thought I'd feel so torn up. I always felt ok with it like "that's his job, it's sucks, but everyone in the army deals with it, he'll be back." The rational part of me is still there, but it seems the closer it gets to him leaving the harder it hits me, and I have all of these fears and insecurities that decided to just bombard me. I'm fucking terrified of something happening to him. I sit here and think "a year isn't that long..."people married into the military go through this all the time.. Hell, last summer has come and gone over a year ago and everything that happened then and leading up to now is still fresh in my mind. The past 3 years of my life have fucking flown. Some parts seem distant, others not so much. But I've also known many days that've seemed to drag on for an eternity despite how busy I keep myself, or how I occupy my time. It's those kind of days that I don't look forward to. A lifetime of events and experiences can happen in a year's span. I feel it's time wasted if you learn nothing. So while I'm living this new experience, and hopefully continuing to grow as a person... perhaps I'll brush up on my spanish, or learn some Japanese while he's gone or get back into ballet, find some new hobby to add to the list, I don't fucking know... I wouldn't mind going back to a traditional college campus, online classes suck (I've found that despite that they actually require more effort and participation than a traditional campus, you're still surrounded by dumbasses, and because everyone is required to participate actively, you actually have to listen to their contribution of moronic slew.) Long story short, I hate it. And I miss clinicals. Anyway, I'm rambling...

My new year begins when he leaves and I plan on making the most of it. It's not very likely, but I'm hoping that everynight I can fall asleep either completely numb or thinking of the things I did that day rather than spending a sleepless night soaking my pillow with thoughts of him. I don't want to miss him, but he hasn't even left yet and I feel like I'm already in mourning of his absence. It's just odd because I've always been extremely independent. I've always done my own thing, had my own little piece of life to myself outside of anything else going on... But now, I just feel like I don't know what I'm going to do without him physically here with me. Who'd have thought that bliss and sorrow could co-exist at such extremes? I've never known such a bitter-sweet moment. Anyway, I'm just going to stop now. I didn't mean for this to turn into some corny sounding outpour but I guess it happens...