zoomusikgrl

i had a weird epiphany this morning. periodically me and my new friend that i met through the ex lurk our ex's facebook profile, to try to decipher what message he's sending out to the universe via his profile pic. last week it was a picture of a steel flower that he forged for me when we were dating. this week, apparently, it's him and his best friend wearing godawful american flag t-shirts and throwing the horns.

so while i'm madly in love with someone other than him, i still lurk sometimes. i can't help it, i'm just a lurky bastard like that. damn cancerian sentimentality.
today i lurked. saw the new pic. and i laughed out loud, tired and hungover at like 8 in the morning. and it was that same genuine laughter that i would give to a friend who posted something funny. no sentimentality. no pain. no longing. actually, that's a lie, because therein lies my epiphany.

i wish i'd never dated my ex.
he was the worlds shittiest boyfriend. hindsight shows me that, and i cringe and how hard i turned a blind eye to that.
but as a friend... goddamn did we have fun.
and i miss him as a friend.
unfortunately, he will never get past the fact that we used to fuck and claimed to love one another. he can never look past "katie as a girlfriend" and see "katie as a friend". i could never randomly text him something hilarious. we could never go out drinking together. despite the fact that we both sort of fit into each others lives in that particular context, i can never again say to him, "let's do a few more shots of whiskey and go to qxt's and get into a fight with someone."

cause, you know, it just wouldn't be appropriate.
"oh hey, shaun, what's up? oh not much, i'm just headed to the bar to grab a few beers with the guy who turned me into a weepy, chainsmoking mess for two months. i love you too babe, i'll call you later." yeah, i could totally see that.
so... *shrugs* i didn't know any better, and i lost a friend. same with married guy, who i feel absolutely nothing towards now, but he's terrified of me. so i'll randomly text him and he can barely muster a "lol" in reply.
WHATEVER.

i think if it boiled down to a choice, i'd take the neighborhood bar with my new dude any day. because, frankly, (hahahaa!) i'm more comfortable with him than i have been with anyone since gonzo77. i feel more in my own skin than i have in three years. so can i sacrifice a potential friendship with someone who surely wouldn't answer the phone when i desperately needed him?
absolutely.

no pangs.
selah.