zoomusikgrl

sooo i broke up with justblaze. i know that probably seems out of left field, but for me it's not. i've been feeling the pull for a little while now that i need to be single, and make my own way through life. and i've been struggling with it, wondering what that feeling was. for a while i thought maybe we were just in a rut, or had gotten too comfortable with our routine together. but i just figured it all out, and realized that it would be extremely unfair of me to let our relationship continue when i wasn't happy. if you love something, set it free, right?

for the record, it has absolutely nothing to do with him. clifton is an AMAZING guy- he did everything absolutely right and i fucking adore him. i will love him forever and i appreciate and can't ever forget how fucking good he was to me during the worst period of my life. ja czie kocham bae. i am so, so sorry. if there was a way to do this without hurting you, i would've.

unfortunately, i don't think i should've ever let myself get into another relationship so quickly.
the whole, "it's not you, it's me" thing sounds so FUCKING lame, but i don't know what else to say.
i need to be me for a while. i need to be single for the first time in my adult life. i've never done that! i've had a boyfriend for almost 13 years straight! that's messed up.
i'm dying to know what it's like to not have anybody to lean on, even when shit gets really scary. (yeah obviously i have my girlies, but thats different.)
i'm already used to sleeping alone again...it's not so great at 3 am when the nightmares come..but other than that i am totally cool with being a blanket hog.
i just don't want to date anyone. hell, i don't even want to have sex with anyone. i haven't even fapped in ages!
and if anybody tries to pull some shit, like "oh, i'll be a shoulder for you to cry on baby", then all i can say is fuck off. if i were even remotely interested in any sort of romance, believe me you would know. until then i've got enough shoulders.

so yeah. that's about all i got. i feel terrible about it all. it's very sad. i feel like i let him down and i hate that. but i also know that if i don't do this, i will let down anyone else i ever date. and believe it or not, one day i would like to get married and settle down and have a healthy relationship.

in the meantime, i got my friends, my family, my car, my cats, booze, and rock and roll. and that's all i want and need.

i might have bedbugs...how fun is that? i've got some pretty scary bites on me in odd places.
my finger is bothering me again
i got my period in a fitting yesterday...bled right through my jeans, and wasn't able to get to the bathroom for like 2 hours. didn't expect it, but was VERY relieved that that was the reason i was nauseous all morning. it was a horrible fitting too. try completely repinning a unitard together on an actor when yr struggling not to double over with ubercramps.
my ear infection keeps coming back
and i have some sort of weird booger/scab issue going on in my nose. there's this giant, green hard mass that refuses to go away no matter how many times i blow/pick my nose, and is so large and disgusting that i can't breathe right.
my tattoo went from smelly and goopy to super fucking crusty. like ridiculously crusty. i feel like a leper. it looks like 30 grit sandpaper in some spots.

oh, and this is all this week, mind you.