hmm. so many things have changed. and nothing at all has changed. pretty uninspiring, eh?? i've been having very bad panic attacks. i've had them before, but nothing; NOTHING like these. i ended up in the ER 3 times last week alone, my doctor and my other doctor (i have many doctors; but not as many as when i needed... er... more pain medication than was strictly legal) and all of these professionals are at a complete loss as to what in the name of God is wrong with me. they drew my blood, they X-rayed my chest, they stuck those weird things all over me (EKG test or something like that) and found absolutely everything is in its right place and doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing. however; my lungs seem to be offended with all these reports that they are just fine and are working harder than ever to prove everyone wrong.
i have discerned no pattern whatsoever. it happens when it happens. i am not necessarily nervous about anything at all and bam, i can't breathe. i dont know if anyone reading this is familiar with a full-on panic attack; i certainly wasn't, but you literally can not breathe. it's exactly like someone of considerable weight is sitting on your chest pressing a pillow over your mouth and nose. 2 days ago i ended up on the floor in a hospital gown gasping and hyperventilating and sobbing. it is a very frightening feeling. i have long believed that drowning would be the worst way to die. i have now decided that suffocating is at least tied. i am terrified to go anywhere or do anything because what if it hits me while i'm behind the wheel of my car?? what the hell am i going to do?? needless to say, i've been spending a lot of time in this room. it is a boring place. one window. beige walls. cigarette burns on the carpet. i look out of the window a lot. at least there is a tree. sometimes there are even birds. it is pretty pathetic stuff when the highlights of your day have been reduced to maybe seeing a sparrow flit past your window or a passing airplane. still, better safe than sorry.
the whole panic shit aside; i am in some real serious need of good advice. i have been divorced since 2006, ok? since it's now 2010, you'd think i'd be if not over it; at least getting there. i can't do it. i think about him every day. i tried dating another man; a man i hold in very high esteem, a very attractive man, and i can't do it. i had to end it because i couldn't feel anything. it's like i died or something. i never hear from my exhusband. an old ex friend contacted me recently even though i cant stand her and through her i now am aware that my exhusband is engaged and has a baby on the way. i don't know what is wrong with me; i dont know why this is affecting me so bad. nobody has ever had this much power over me and it's killing me. i sent him a small message on Facebook wishing him a happy birthday late last month and got nothing back. in fact, the last time i heard from him, he was really quite cruel. very cruel indeed. and i dont understand why. i would admit it if i had wronged him in any way; but it was him who cheated on me; it was him who introduced me to addiction, and it was him who abandoned me. so why do i still care about him?
i love him. and i hate him. two of the strongest emotions there are. with the possible exception of jealousy.
i dont know why i'm writing this. or what i'm looking for. i can't think of a cure or anything. i just wish.. i wish i could get over him as easily as he got over me. i guess i am pretty forgettable. i feel stuck. i cant move on. i never got any closure; i never got anything. ah hell. i'm going to read a bit and try to go to sleep. maybe i'll have a good dream. i'm glad i figured out how to get back on here, anyway. it took forever to get my password.
i'm so envious of women who are strong and confident and who have their shit together. i'm just lost. and i'm blonde again. just wanted to change something.