zombette

well guys and dolls, ladies and gentlemen floating in space... today is the day.
today is the day i go to court and get my divorce.
from this guy

yep. that was taken last christmas. when i still had this little hope. when i had a little hope left.
i cant help it. i cant sleep. i keep going through all this shit in my head. like how i felt when he proposed. how i felt when i was walking down the aisle and all i could see was him and i tipped him a little wink and a smile.
how i felt when everyone we loved was there blowing bubbles for us and he grabbed my arm and kissed it up and down like gomez and morticia addams.
how does it go from that to this?
i think i can safely say that right now i have never felt so alone in my life.
i think i was in love with him. or was i in love with who i thought he was? or do i even have a fucking clue what love is?
every relationship ive ever had (all three... wow. yeah.) i was in love. and all three at one point or another proposed marriage.
i accepted his because i honest to god straight up no bullshit thought we were meant for each other. that it was written in the stars.
funny how perception changes with experience. not funny haha. funny... fuck.
so here i sit. i cant sleep. i cant eat. i cant do much of anything.
i talked to tracey for a few hours last night. it was really really cool of her to let me hang out. i needed it badly. i didnt want to be all alone with only the stormclouds in my head for company.
i keep telling myself that whoever that man/boy was that i married isnt the same person anymore. and that is very true.
but it doesnt make it hurt any less.
i hope i find someone whom i can love like i loved him again.
to be honest (why lie?) there are a couple of men right now that i think i could feel that way for.
but im scared.
because men lie. they lie so well. and i cant lie for shit. i am an open fucking book. i laugh it off and call myself all sorts of names; naive and gullible and stupid... but isnt that what real love is supposed to be like? no cheating? communication? working toward something? warmth? goals? seduction?
wearing your heart on your sleeve because you feel safe?
i dont think i will ever feel that safe with anybody anymore.
and for me, thats a damn shame.
i am nervous. nervous about finding the correct courthouse and room, nervous about how long this is going to take, nervous that he might show up, nervous that he might not. all signs are pointing to 'not'... he just doesnt give a shit... but i am still nervous.
then i have to go and change my name. which means more paperwork. and probably more money that i dont have.
i am not in a happy place in my head right now. i havent been in a good, stable, happy environment for years and it is wearing me down down down. and i dont bounce back too good.
this isnt a high-school puppy love breakup where i get to cry my eyes out for two days and then go to a bar and sleep with the first 3 or 4 guys who buy me drinks.
i dont cry.
crying is like pissing it all out on the floor.
i hold it in and i write and i think.
fuck this shit. i have to get ready for COURT.
luck.