zombette

there is something i want so much to write about but i am not free to do so.
so i will write about something else instead... but it all ties together somehow.
this is odd. being here in the middle of the day. i hate it when little changes affect me and my life and yet i cant stop bitching about the complacent hole im in and how much i want that to change.
but i cant handle one day on a different schedule.
maybe i am nutty as a fruitcake.
im going to school today at 5 instead of the usual 9-130 shit.. er.. shift. because my lovely little beauty tracey is having a 'toy' party tonite... and i am attending. me, nikki, sheffy, lins(?), tracey of course... i dont know who all else... it should be a blast. we decided to make it into an impromptu sleepover.
i havent had a sleepover since i was a kid. GOD im feeling like a kid. thats not bad. thats really cool. i just have to keep my priorities in line and look out for my feelings and work on being a better Me. these things have always been on my To Do list, so nothing unusual there.
- be mentally and psychologically strong in the face of adversity and cruel people.
- know when to make a stand and when to pick my fights.
- know when to keep my mouth shut and hold my temper with both hands.
- keep my big eyes wide open and look around.
- look at the sky as often as possible. to keep reminding myself that the earth does not consist entirely of little boxes with windows.
- *sigh* try to make amends with the bitch in my head so i can get off the meds.
- be wise. im REALLY working on that one.
- make the best possible decisions and look at situations from all angles. you can glance at a diamond and say 'oh yeah, thats pretty' and forget about it and look somewhere else for the next distraction, or you can grab hold of the thing, turn it around in your fingers, feel it, look at the facets in different lighting... see what it does to your brain. i want to grab it and see it. everything.
- get a car. a good car. a good reliable car. this should be higher on this list.
- get the hell out of this living situation.
- get the hell out of school as quickly as possible and keep my head down and my thoughts to myself. except in certain company.
- smile more.
- stop being afraid of... so many things. meeting new people. meeting old friends. saying the wrong thing... ive always been afraid of people figuring out who i really am and running away screaming. i wonder why. im a damn good human being.
- dont overanalyze things that are beyond my control anyway.
- keep my friends close and my enemies at arms length or further if possible.
- get another part-time job. it will cut into the little time i already have that i can dedicate to modeling outside of SG, but i need more money.
- burn all my money, cut up my visa card and drivers license, and hitchhike to cali.
- keep practicing and practicing and drawing and drawing. there are a lot of individual artists that are SG members who have inspired me to branch out if i can. i dont know if i can without professional instruction; but i WONT know unless i try.
- learn from past mistakes and stop blaming myself and other people for them.
- quit carrying the grudge. its just dead weight chained to my ankle that im dragging around. fuck it.
- i am annmarie. i like her. i would like her even if i werent her. that should be good enough for everyone else; so im not trying to impress anyone anymore. unless circumstances require it.
i am a passionate, compassionate, loving, empathetic, sometimes sarcastic, self-conscious, unfettered snowflake. i dont have to be codependant on anything or anybody. jealousy is a poison and an infection and it spreads and mutates and grows. i dont know if i was ever a jealous person. i honestly dont think i was. envy, now... thats another story and will be told at another time.