i dont know how much longer i can stand this.
all of this.
my whole life.
i dont know.
i hate where i live. i hate the circumstances that are controlling my life. i hate this.
the thing is, i could change it. i could change it drastically. but im afraid. i could buy an airline ticket one way to LA, but where would i live? what would i do about my medication? how would i get a job? a car?
i could do it.
but i dont know yet if the pros outweigh the cons.
its getting close. and so tempting. pack a few suitcases, im good at that. lots of practice. buy a one way ticket out of this whole mess. start my life someplace else.
if i had a job secured out there i would go right now. fuck the cosmetology degree. i dont care about it anymore. i dont care about much of anything anymore. not since my husbands true colors emerged.
i just dont care.
and people around here would say 'oh she always was a little crazy, you know. tsk. what a shame. i heard she fell apart with her marriage and took off to LA. poor thing. she must be crazy.'
maybe i am crazy. thats a stupid word anyway. everybodys crazy to a degree. i just have too many bad memories here. and to be honest; 400 miles isnt enough distance between me and him. LA might be far enough. i want to leave it all behind. but its like driving down the sun. i know no matter where i end up, at some point ill have to look in the mirror again and come to terms with whatever it is thats looking back at me.
i just cant be here anymore. maybe i will stick it out to the end of cos school. maybe i wont. i dont honestly know if i can stay here until january.
i need to go far away and get my own life together. i dont need anyone else to do that for me. and thats what is happening. that is exactly what is going on. my life is not my life. it belongs to my mother, basically. because she has the car and she has the house and she has the control. i have to ask for a ride to the store if i need tampons.
and i hate michigan.
this is not my home.
mark my words, i will not be in this state by this time next year. i swear it. theres nothing to keep me here anymore. i need to do what i need to do in order to be happy. all i ever wanted was to be happy.
its been a rough 20 years.
all of this.
my whole life.
i dont know.
i hate where i live. i hate the circumstances that are controlling my life. i hate this.
the thing is, i could change it. i could change it drastically. but im afraid. i could buy an airline ticket one way to LA, but where would i live? what would i do about my medication? how would i get a job? a car?
i could do it.
but i dont know yet if the pros outweigh the cons.
its getting close. and so tempting. pack a few suitcases, im good at that. lots of practice. buy a one way ticket out of this whole mess. start my life someplace else.
if i had a job secured out there i would go right now. fuck the cosmetology degree. i dont care about it anymore. i dont care about much of anything anymore. not since my husbands true colors emerged.
i just dont care.
and people around here would say 'oh she always was a little crazy, you know. tsk. what a shame. i heard she fell apart with her marriage and took off to LA. poor thing. she must be crazy.'
maybe i am crazy. thats a stupid word anyway. everybodys crazy to a degree. i just have too many bad memories here. and to be honest; 400 miles isnt enough distance between me and him. LA might be far enough. i want to leave it all behind. but its like driving down the sun. i know no matter where i end up, at some point ill have to look in the mirror again and come to terms with whatever it is thats looking back at me.
i just cant be here anymore. maybe i will stick it out to the end of cos school. maybe i wont. i dont honestly know if i can stay here until january.
i need to go far away and get my own life together. i dont need anyone else to do that for me. and thats what is happening. that is exactly what is going on. my life is not my life. it belongs to my mother, basically. because she has the car and she has the house and she has the control. i have to ask for a ride to the store if i need tampons.
and i hate michigan.
this is not my home.
mark my words, i will not be in this state by this time next year. i swear it. theres nothing to keep me here anymore. i need to do what i need to do in order to be happy. all i ever wanted was to be happy.
its been a rough 20 years.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
No, I'm not making use of ceilings, in study or bedroom. I used to. At the time I had a thing for celebrity fakes. I had a dozen above my bed.
You see, my usual routine was to wake up, roll over and go back to sleep. The celeb fakes would catch me mid-roll, and I'd end up playing with myself until I was too awake to go back to sleep.
It worked great... until my eyesight went. *sigh*
Be strong baby