I need to get the hell out of this rotten mood, because bad moods crush everything that I normally am. They destroy ambition and inspiration, they make it hard to laugh. They make it hard to feel ANYTHING, really, other than that low-level buzz of darkness in the back of your brain and the bottom of your heart.
It tastes too bitter. I don't like it at all.
The biggest reason it's lingering, I think, is because I keep telling people-- normally nice, understanding people-- that I feel bad, and they keep laughing at me. "Why?" they say. "What do YOU have to feel bad about?"
As if my life is magical and stress-free. Now, my life is GOOD, don't get me wrong. I have my own apartment and a secure job. I'm getting a handle on the whole self-esteem thing. This is all good stuff.
But I resent that people think I can't feel enough to be sad, or stressed, or lonely.
I didn't realize I seemed so cold. Everyone keeps telling me I'm cold, closed-off, solitary. I don't know why I project this image. If I were truly cold, would I ever feel sad? Probably not. But in having this ice-queen image, I feel sad but hold myself aloof anyway. But how do you just ASK people for comfort? How do you get through to people when they're all 1) afraid to approach you, and 2) believe you don't want to be approached anyway?
I hold people to very high standards. Thus, I am frequently disappointed. But I also hate the thought that I'll have to lower my standards and 'settle' for someone just to not be alone. If I did that, I'd eventually grow to hate the person I'd settled for, I know. I grow... quite easily resentful.
There's anger in me, buried so deep even I can't fathom it.
In other news, it's really fucking cold in my apartment. My apartment which I really ought to clean. But I'm too lazy.
...But also, the sun is coming out.
It tastes too bitter. I don't like it at all.
The biggest reason it's lingering, I think, is because I keep telling people-- normally nice, understanding people-- that I feel bad, and they keep laughing at me. "Why?" they say. "What do YOU have to feel bad about?"
As if my life is magical and stress-free. Now, my life is GOOD, don't get me wrong. I have my own apartment and a secure job. I'm getting a handle on the whole self-esteem thing. This is all good stuff.
But I resent that people think I can't feel enough to be sad, or stressed, or lonely.
I didn't realize I seemed so cold. Everyone keeps telling me I'm cold, closed-off, solitary. I don't know why I project this image. If I were truly cold, would I ever feel sad? Probably not. But in having this ice-queen image, I feel sad but hold myself aloof anyway. But how do you just ASK people for comfort? How do you get through to people when they're all 1) afraid to approach you, and 2) believe you don't want to be approached anyway?
I hold people to very high standards. Thus, I am frequently disappointed. But I also hate the thought that I'll have to lower my standards and 'settle' for someone just to not be alone. If I did that, I'd eventually grow to hate the person I'd settled for, I know. I grow... quite easily resentful.
There's anger in me, buried so deep even I can't fathom it.
In other news, it's really fucking cold in my apartment. My apartment which I really ought to clean. But I'm too lazy.
...But also, the sun is coming out.
Being aloof and icy isn't bad but being aloof and icy because you're afraid to step down a little is. I have stupidly high standards. Still do. But I've also learned that a person who fits my standards today may not tomorrow. People change. And for that reason alone, I go for what is there and what COULD be. You could be a social, out there girl AND still be an ice queen. You can do both.
You have the talent. It's why I'm so crushing on you. I wouldn't talk to you if I DIDN'T feel like you could. So nyah.
EDIT: Also, tell people who think you don't feel enough to be sad to get bent. Nabiki Tendo (from Ranma 1/2) and you are mad similar...and even she has emotions. Just remember: Ice walls are thick but they are not impenetrable.
[Edited on Dec 13, 2004 1:53PM]