zilchtastic

For 22 years of life I hardly ever had pictures taken of me. In fact, you could probably count on just your two hands how many pictures of me existed, even including all the holidays-with-family ones. As a kid, I can remember actively avoiding cameras, even going so far as to hide my face and cry if someone forced me to be in a picture.

It's sad, being eight and thinking you're the ugliest little girl in the world.

I don't even know WHY I thought it. I mean, I started getting teased around grade four or five, but mostly it centered around my poor-ass clothes or the fact that I was quiet and too smart and sometimes stared at people too hard. It wasn't till middle school that I remember people making fun of my LOOKS, but obviously I was way ahead of them because there was already this little doubt, this fear in the back of my mind that I wasn't as pretty as I SHOULD be.

Where the FUCK did that come from? I mean, I wish I could figure out where I picked up estimation of beauty. And I wish I could figure out why I excluded MYSELF from it.

Anyway. Lately, I've been changing a lot, both outside and in. It's the reason I wanted to do this site, and even though I didn't get what I wanted (to be a Suicide Girl!), I think that when I try again, I'll be happy with the results-- even if I once again don't succeed.

Dammit, -I- think I'm cute.



So THERE. *can't stop taking pictures of herself* I think my ego may almost be TOO inflated now. But I feel like, after so many years of hating myself, I deserve it.



Go, me!

Oh yeah, and also? I love my hat. I bought it in Shinjuku and now I wish I could go back to the store I got it at and get the fuzzy knitted version, too. It keeps my thoughtmeats all warm!