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Last night was an interesting one. I was delievering for the Pub and when I came back from a run, there she was, my ex, waiting for something for the party she was helping with upstairs. I was so surprised to see her. Our hello's were strained and uncomfortable. We really didn't know what to say to one other. I did look up at her though at one point and she was looking at me, her eyes glazed over with tears. She came over and gave me a hug. It had been so long since I had her in my arms. Everything about her was different. Her clothing, her hair color, even her smell, everything was different but her eyes. I could see everything in those eyes.

She said she was sorry for what she had said to me the other day, that she wants to try and keep talking and keep a relationship. I told her that it's hard. Whenever I see her, my stomach ties itself into knots. And, I feel really lonely up here sometimes. She said I can talk to her whenever I need to, that she will be there for me. I told her I can't do that when it's about her, which it is this time. When she is having a bad day, all she has to do is walk 2 minutes to her boy's door. My girl is 400 miles away. Yea, it gets lonely.

After a bit of awkward silence, I told her I had to go and we parted ways. Walking outside, I kept telling myself, "Don't cry Zak, just don't do it," and actually whispering it to myself out loud. It took all I had.

The days are getting easier now. I can train myself to not think about her as much as I used to. There will always be a part of me though that wonders about her: What she's doing, where is she, is she with him. I guess I will just have to deal with those emotions for now. And everytime I start to feel down, thank the gods, I have Janine there to call, to help me.