zeriah

Things have gotten a little better in my world lately except for having a run in with an ex of mine that has professed his undying love for me yet again. We shall call him Guy and he said and I quote, "Seriously, if things don't work out with you and Dik, I don't mind being your rebound....I'd marry you in a heart beat." So yeah, that kinda fucked me up a little emotionally because I still love him, but everytime he and I were "together" something would come up and the relationship would fall apart....we just had bad timing when we chose one another I guess. I could see myself with him again, but I've been with Dik for two years and that's the absolute longest I've ever been with any man....so as I said I'm a little fucked up emotionally from that. Dik and I have been having rather big spats about this and that and it sucks because he and I never used to fight. Now everything becomes an issue. Whether its the way I blow through my tips (that I busted my ass to earn) to the way I fold his damn clothes...it becomes a battle. I miss the simplicity we used to have and with Guy got thrown into the mix (mind you Guy is the ex, in fact he's the ex that is close friends with Dik and it was Guy that hooked Dik and I up) things are getting complicated. Sorting my emotions out is difficult. I suppose to understand my situation better I should start from the beginning when Dik and I got together. Guy and I had been split for a year, we had both moved on to new relationships, I wound up pregnant with my daughter (by my High School sweetheart), he dumped me and bailed on the unborn child, and I was left pregnant, alone, scared, and stressed the hell out. I was hanging out where I always hang out when I need some time to think and suddenly Guy walks in with a tall handsome stranger. He took a seat two tables over from me not noticing me slumped in the booth. I preened a bit and waltzed on over to his table and sat next to the handsome stranger and said, "Hey Guy, why don't you ever call?" He smiled and we hugged and it was all gravy. Then I was introduced to the handsome stranger that I had plunked down next to. He sneered at me like he was uninterested (typical hardcore punk move) so I returned the sneer and then flipped him off. He grinned and I giggled and that's how I met Dik. Now then, Guy convinced me some time later to exchange numbers with Dik and thus Guy initiated my 2 year relationship with Dik. Now Guy always reminds me who hooked me up with this marvelous catch (at least he used to be marvelous before he bacame an over-protective uber prick) and he also reminds me how much he kicks himself for giving me away to his good friend. Boys are silly. So to make a long story short Guy is trying to win me back and Dik being a dick isn't helping me stay my distance from Guy. I haven't cheated, I never will cheat, I think it's stupid and wrong on many levels, but here I have on the one hand Guy which loves me with all his heart and wants me to be happy and have a dream wedding and a nice house with the black cast iron fence and on the other hand I have Dik which says he loves me with all his heart, says he wants me to be happy (though he never encourages me to do anything or gives me positive feedback on anything), he doesn't ever want to be married again, and he's happy living in our piece o shite duplex out in the middle of no where basically slumming it. He doesn't mind that we can't make our bills on time and it doesn't bother him that the electricity gets cut off a couple times ever 6 months due to past due bills and such because according to Dik, "It all will work itself out." So in short, I think I need a vacation away from Dik away from Guy just away so I can't sort myself out a bit. My mum said I can come stay with her and do a "trial separation" from Dik for a month or so, that way Dik can get some perspective on what life would really be like without me to cook, clean, do his laundry, help pay the bills, and "satisfy" him (my mom blushed when saying "satisfy" it was cute) and maybe then he'll retink this whole, "I never want to get married again" scenario. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him....I love him very much and he's the man that convinced me not to give my unborn child up for adoption. He's the only dad she's ever known and for her to ask "where's dadda" if I leave would break my heart. She's only seen her real father a few times and she doesn't really know he's her dad....she probably thinks he's just some strange permi-fried dried up "recovered drug addict" weirdo that comes to pick her up for his supervised visits and spend an hour or two with her when it's convient for that jobless lazy shiftless moron. Actually no that's how I think of him, but she probably thinks he's a nice strange looking man that comes to entertain her with his silly drooly face and sunken eyes. Everytime she's seen him she giggles like mad and I think it's because she thinks he's funny looking. Okay, well I noticed after re-reading this I have babbled a bit, but I just got home from a 10 hour shift so please excuse the babbles. I just need to go to sleep and not worry about my crazy emotions right now....so if you read this whole crazy thing...congratulations...you survived the great sleepy babble vent written by sleepy, stressed, and slightly confused me.....
Zeriah