So it's 3 in the a.m. and I should be sleeping as things are needed to be done in the early in the morning.
Suicidegirls: Italian Villa was just on. Haven't seen it in quite awhile followed by Mean Streets. So a good late night/early morning lineup (depending on how you see it) calls for a blog.
Been a weird couple of days....Typical questions and dilemmas...friends more like friends? and the occasional mystery of the female species. Now the latter of the two is something that will never be explained nor understood. I've come to terms with that long ago....And while all this is internal apparently its external as well.
Thursday night I called out of job #2 and meet up with some friends for an old school get together (and I use the term loosely because we never seem to have parties..but rather get togethers). So with old friends come old habits...I decide to have a night of debauchery and to become yet again irresponsible something that I unknowingly waved good-bye to quite sometime ago. Maybe it was the ganja or the alcohol or the combination of the two with along with the mixture of the company that was present that night. And what it really comes down to is the fact that things are different, people are different and while the environment might stay the same...the time will never be re-lived.
There was a moment where I had the " feeling alone amongst a crowd" feeling.
At that moment, if life was a movie, it would have cut to a camera shot of me screaming at the top of my lungs while everyone else is in their own conversations...
kinda like this
The entire night wasn't a loss. I jammed out with two of my best friends and released a massive amount of angst and frustration upon the drum set and turned it down a notch with a ritualistic drum circle. I really must invest in a pair of bongs....
The thing about pot I hate is the fact that it coincides with whatever mood you're in to begin with or it just shifts it to a whole nother state. And in this case, that is exactly what happened. I got hung up over the fact that my best friend bailed on me...but not so much she left. Just the manner that she did it in. Proclamations of neverending loyalty and understanding is easily thrown out the window when it comes down to how she feels. she can be selfishness in all its glory....but I know how she is and how she can be so none of this is a surprise to me...it's always a shock when it happens to me though.
A good way to describe how I see her would be that Billy Joel song "she's always a woman to me",
yes, that song might be lame and Billy Joel might blow but that song embodies her as a being.
So after calling it quits and retiring to my lair for 2 hrs of disturbed and unfulfilling sleep. I awaken to get up and head to work only to be surrounded by people and sit in front of a computer screen in a cube. Completely burntout and unrested, it was one of the longest days I've had in a long time. 2 vivarins and a full throttle later..my stomach is completely fucked (due to years of abuse of a steady diet of booze, caffeine and pills). This is only adding to the equation of shit. Human interaction at this point is something I want to avoid but in an office setting this is as futile as a pecker on a pope.
So job #1 done...stuck in traffic for about an hour..head home...catch a quick nap (45 mins). Turns out I over slept..run to drug fair for a pack of smokes and then head to job#2. Now I have to deal with management trying to light a fire under my ass because I call out. I get my check, sing my song about how I had food poisoning from some bad chinese and retire to the smoking section to get my nicotene fix before the operation starts.
The new supervisor who doesn't know how things run and is for what it seems is trying to re-invent the wheel comes out and attempt the bulldog me about how I can't have a smoke break. The forces of the gods were on my side because I was 2 seconds away from putting the cigarette in his eye socket. I brush it off and let it go because it was too early in the shift to get all pissed off.
The operation is over, I smoke my last smoke, swipe out and out the door. So the plan was to go out to brunswick to celebrate my friends belated birthday. Hours before this was to happen, I spoke to my best friend and it was agreed that neither of us were in the mood to go out and party. So I end up calling her and she's out and about already in party mode with everyone else. Again...typical. So I say good night have fun. Spend 45 mins driving around the highways and byways not wanting to go home but yet not wanting to socialize and spend my friend night in some bar with a bunch of inebriated assholes. I swing by my other best friends house and it turns out he's not home...S.O.L.
The wave of loneliness is washing over me at this point, but I didn't have to be, but the people I knew weren't the idea of was looking for in curing this feeling. My friend gets home..hang out for a bit , shoot the shit and who but a ghost from the past calls up, she'd been out drinking and needed someone to talk to on the phone as she was coming home (Not the safest of ideas but nonetheless I was happy to hear from Suzi Q.)
She passes by and I'm knocked into another realm over how beautiful she has become. So we chat chit , take pictures, and reminisce about the times we had the the torrid love affair that should have been. Make empty promises to "get together and hang out" and wave goodbye to the lovely ghost of the past.
Buy some horrible late night fast food...and come home to find "The rules of attraction" on the tube. Haven't seen it in the longest so I oblige and feel good after my stomach is filled. My cable, yet again, goes out in the middle of the movie, so I therefore throw the dvd in the 360 and proceed to fall asleep to it just as victor tells his eurotrip in one breathe.
So that in would sum up the last deus. Today...laying around and things around the house. Miss June (the best friend) calls up and sees whats going. But in reality, what she is doing is just sizing up what the plans are so if there not up to par she will make plans with someone else which will end up with a phone call later along the lines of " I don't know what happened...this and this happened...you know I was driving and so forth and so forth. She was goingot he beach with a friend...it was 2 o clock...I figured she'd call me around 10 or so. Midnight comes and no call..grab the keys and drive to dunkin donuts for a large black coffee. Throw on some NIN and proceed to drive around aimlessly waiting for someone to be home...the few poepl at this point that I actually care to spend some time with. The rest of the night isn't worth describing even though most of what has been typed already isn't either.
The thing I'm hung up on is the volatility of the friendships in my possession. Aside from 3 people, everyone else I can throw into oblivion. I tend to get fed up and distance myself because I just don't feel like things are as genuine as they used to be. I need to find a new place to go, some new people to interact with, and something new to engulf myself will.
Transformers tomorrow..so it's something to look forward to...working on the apartment as well. Let's hope today will be better then the last. Haven't had the best of days lately, but I've had worse so I should stop right here. A pre sleep cigarette and hopefully some dreams that are always better then reality await me so I bid anyone who has read this dribble a good night and a blessed be...
Zepp
Suicidegirls: Italian Villa was just on. Haven't seen it in quite awhile followed by Mean Streets. So a good late night/early morning lineup (depending on how you see it) calls for a blog.
Been a weird couple of days....Typical questions and dilemmas...friends more like friends? and the occasional mystery of the female species. Now the latter of the two is something that will never be explained nor understood. I've come to terms with that long ago....And while all this is internal apparently its external as well.
Thursday night I called out of job #2 and meet up with some friends for an old school get together (and I use the term loosely because we never seem to have parties..but rather get togethers). So with old friends come old habits...I decide to have a night of debauchery and to become yet again irresponsible something that I unknowingly waved good-bye to quite sometime ago. Maybe it was the ganja or the alcohol or the combination of the two with along with the mixture of the company that was present that night. And what it really comes down to is the fact that things are different, people are different and while the environment might stay the same...the time will never be re-lived.
There was a moment where I had the " feeling alone amongst a crowd" feeling.
At that moment, if life was a movie, it would have cut to a camera shot of me screaming at the top of my lungs while everyone else is in their own conversations...
kinda like this
The entire night wasn't a loss. I jammed out with two of my best friends and released a massive amount of angst and frustration upon the drum set and turned it down a notch with a ritualistic drum circle. I really must invest in a pair of bongs....
The thing about pot I hate is the fact that it coincides with whatever mood you're in to begin with or it just shifts it to a whole nother state. And in this case, that is exactly what happened. I got hung up over the fact that my best friend bailed on me...but not so much she left. Just the manner that she did it in. Proclamations of neverending loyalty and understanding is easily thrown out the window when it comes down to how she feels. she can be selfishness in all its glory....but I know how she is and how she can be so none of this is a surprise to me...it's always a shock when it happens to me though.
A good way to describe how I see her would be that Billy Joel song "she's always a woman to me",
yes, that song might be lame and Billy Joel might blow but that song embodies her as a being.
So after calling it quits and retiring to my lair for 2 hrs of disturbed and unfulfilling sleep. I awaken to get up and head to work only to be surrounded by people and sit in front of a computer screen in a cube. Completely burntout and unrested, it was one of the longest days I've had in a long time. 2 vivarins and a full throttle later..my stomach is completely fucked (due to years of abuse of a steady diet of booze, caffeine and pills). This is only adding to the equation of shit. Human interaction at this point is something I want to avoid but in an office setting this is as futile as a pecker on a pope.
So job #1 done...stuck in traffic for about an hour..head home...catch a quick nap (45 mins). Turns out I over slept..run to drug fair for a pack of smokes and then head to job#2. Now I have to deal with management trying to light a fire under my ass because I call out. I get my check, sing my song about how I had food poisoning from some bad chinese and retire to the smoking section to get my nicotene fix before the operation starts.
The new supervisor who doesn't know how things run and is for what it seems is trying to re-invent the wheel comes out and attempt the bulldog me about how I can't have a smoke break. The forces of the gods were on my side because I was 2 seconds away from putting the cigarette in his eye socket. I brush it off and let it go because it was too early in the shift to get all pissed off.
The operation is over, I smoke my last smoke, swipe out and out the door. So the plan was to go out to brunswick to celebrate my friends belated birthday. Hours before this was to happen, I spoke to my best friend and it was agreed that neither of us were in the mood to go out and party. So I end up calling her and she's out and about already in party mode with everyone else. Again...typical. So I say good night have fun. Spend 45 mins driving around the highways and byways not wanting to go home but yet not wanting to socialize and spend my friend night in some bar with a bunch of inebriated assholes. I swing by my other best friends house and it turns out he's not home...S.O.L.
The wave of loneliness is washing over me at this point, but I didn't have to be, but the people I knew weren't the idea of was looking for in curing this feeling. My friend gets home..hang out for a bit , shoot the shit and who but a ghost from the past calls up, she'd been out drinking and needed someone to talk to on the phone as she was coming home (Not the safest of ideas but nonetheless I was happy to hear from Suzi Q.)
She passes by and I'm knocked into another realm over how beautiful she has become. So we chat chit , take pictures, and reminisce about the times we had the the torrid love affair that should have been. Make empty promises to "get together and hang out" and wave goodbye to the lovely ghost of the past.
Buy some horrible late night fast food...and come home to find "The rules of attraction" on the tube. Haven't seen it in the longest so I oblige and feel good after my stomach is filled. My cable, yet again, goes out in the middle of the movie, so I therefore throw the dvd in the 360 and proceed to fall asleep to it just as victor tells his eurotrip in one breathe.
So that in would sum up the last deus. Today...laying around and things around the house. Miss June (the best friend) calls up and sees whats going. But in reality, what she is doing is just sizing up what the plans are so if there not up to par she will make plans with someone else which will end up with a phone call later along the lines of " I don't know what happened...this and this happened...you know I was driving and so forth and so forth. She was goingot he beach with a friend...it was 2 o clock...I figured she'd call me around 10 or so. Midnight comes and no call..grab the keys and drive to dunkin donuts for a large black coffee. Throw on some NIN and proceed to drive around aimlessly waiting for someone to be home...the few poepl at this point that I actually care to spend some time with. The rest of the night isn't worth describing even though most of what has been typed already isn't either.
The thing I'm hung up on is the volatility of the friendships in my possession. Aside from 3 people, everyone else I can throw into oblivion. I tend to get fed up and distance myself because I just don't feel like things are as genuine as they used to be. I need to find a new place to go, some new people to interact with, and something new to engulf myself will.
Transformers tomorrow..so it's something to look forward to...working on the apartment as well. Let's hope today will be better then the last. Haven't had the best of days lately, but I've had worse so I should stop right here. A pre sleep cigarette and hopefully some dreams that are always better then reality await me so I bid anyone who has read this dribble a good night and a blessed be...
Zepp
Well, said. My life in a nutshell.