Tuesday Dec 09, 2008

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Somehow, the idea of speed-dating (you know, those social gatherings where people pair off for five minute "dates" to try and find someone they'd like to date IRL) makes me sad. I have a friend who says "you have to try it!" This from the friend who failed by saying to me--a former lead singer for a few actually well-followed rock and blues bands back in the day--that I "just have to try karaoke! It's sooooooo much fun!!!" With all due respect (seriously) to those who p0wn the mic and rock them, Amadeus; that, to me is like masturbating to a picture of your ex. Anyway, back to speed-faili--er, dating. I just see this as a concentrated fail for lots of people. Aside from that, I'd just feel too pressured. Anyhoo, I'd be interested in hearing if anyone has any experience with speed-dating, and what they thought. I'm willing to be convinced I am wrong.

But I digress (can you digress if you haven't actually stated a premise yet, ZT?)

Long blog warning:

On other fronts, I'm thinking of breaking up with my "girlfriend", you know, to go along with my divorce. Looks like it's time for a complete re-boot.

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of in a number of respects. She's not doing it maliciously--more subconsciously. But still. She likes my attention, and my help, but she's not very inclined to spend time with me--at least as much as I want/need. That includes sex. This is interesting to me because when we do have sex, she gives off every signal that her mind is being blown. I've been doing this sex thing for a few years now, and it's sorta hard to fake that on me (sorry ladies; no matter what Harry & Sally may have illustrated, a well-trained man can read involuntary vaginal muscle contractions pretty easily). But the other night after we were back from seeing the Sisters of Mercy show, and we're in bed, she tells me--in essence--that the sex is for my benefit and not her enjoyment. Keep in mind, this was me physically pleasing her; my Johnny-T was not involved. We often go through these periods where she just isn't into sex. Fine whatever. But to be told that it was pretty much all for me? Uhhh... that math doesn't add up on my chalk-board...

I'm not sure if it's me wanting to think that she feels more for me than she cares to admit (which is a possibility) or if she really isn't all that into me (also possible, admittedly). Either way, I'm not down with investing emotional and intimate energy in a relationship that isn't fully genuine. As it turns out, my marriage was suffering from the same malaise. That's why I asked for a divorce. So I guess that's why I'm thinking I need to end my relationship with my girlfriend as well. I'm entering a time when I must have genuine connections. Must.

But I'll admit that the prospect of entering a period of life where I have no kind of strong intimate physical and/or emotional relationship isn't all that thrilling. I'll even admit that it's a bit scary. I spent my 20's with such an active sex life (pro Dom / sex worker, etc), and my 30's with a number of full-time / regular partners who said they were very into my type of relationship / erotic dynamic, looking at my 40's as a time in my life where I am--for all intents and purposes--starting over, completely alone and wholly and totally on my own for the first time in twenty years is a bit daunting.

On the most practical level, this is hard because I miss sex. I miss being with someone who enjoys being with ME. I miss being with someone who responds positively to my masculinity, and my particular flavor of masculinity at that. More on that later...

This may be the realm of TMI, so those who wish to understand more of me have the option, while those who don't can just skip and read on...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I am a bisexual man, but very rarely attracted to men (probably 1 in 1000 guys). As I say in many of my on-line profiles, "I am bi, but while that is the case, I say it is because it is the truth of who I am, but it's not the sum-total or focus. For all intents, I am straight that way..." I am vastly more attracted to women.

Also, as far as BDSM goes, I have changed in a number of very significant ways over the years, and I am just now beginning to appreciate and accept that. I have come to realize that a not-insignificant number of my relationships I have been in over the years were using BDSM as a substitute for true intimacy. Now, don't get me wrong; I am well aware that this paradigm is in place more often than many in the alt.sex community would like to admit, and no, I am NOT saying that it is even close to a majority of the time. But in my case, I now can see that I have in the past allowed this trade-off to take place. This is unhealthy, at least for me.

I am very skilled in my particular areas of both BDSM and male-female intimacy (this always sounds like a brag/boast, so forgive me if it comes across that way. Seriously, I'm not blowing my own horn [would that I could!]; I'm just trying to get all the puzzle-pieces on the table). I am very fulfilled by physically controlling a woman's body, and her pleasure. My particular brand of kink is orgasmic control / benevolence. There are few things I enjoy more than making a woman climax for me, repeatedly, and often more than she thinks she can/should. I have spent years learning the female body and all its wonderful intricacies. Knowing how to make a woman I'm with climax nearly spontaneously, often times at my apparent whim, is both a great joy and (admittedly) a rather large gift from the Universe. I take it, and its associated responsibility, rather seriously. When you can do that for a person, there is a danger that they will form an unhealthy admiration of you that can border on worship, and this can (and has at times) lead to a very unrealistic and unhealthy ego. The real trouble is two-fold: a) this is the truth of my sexuality and who I am in a very genuine sense. This is what gets me off. Denying that is as wrong as playing it up beyond realistic levels, and b) this has in the past been an unrealistic and unsound base for longer-term relationships.

Having the ability to merely whisper something into a woman's ear that makes her wet on the spot is a rather powerful high unto itself. I can get into people's heads and discover what they really want--what they've wanted all along; deep desires that they thought may never been fulfilled, things that may have--at times--caused them shame and guilt. Guilt at wanting to be pleased. Guilt at wanting their bodies to be for pleasure. Being able to wrest control of their bodies and minds from their mundane day-to-day consciousness and insist that they feel titillation, excitement, pleasure, release--essentially saying "No, I'll take responsibility for the reality of the moment. You just cum. Just be this orgasm. Don't worry. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel shame. Just let go and have this. You're worthy of this. Experience this moment wholly and totally. You can trust me enough to lose control. Just take this gift from me..." The only way I can draw any kind of analogy for this dynamic is to equate how this feels to what a gun enthusiast feels when they first get to fire something big. Not only fire, but control. Learn. Master. It truly does remind me of the first time I "graduated" from shooting .22 and got my first 30.06. The initial recoil into my shoulder was thrilling. But the real excitement, the real thrill, was the first day I shot three 4" clusters at 200y, back to back to back, and earned my high-power marksmans' cert and badge. Knowing that I had achieved mastery of something so powerful was...intoxicating.

But intoxication often leads to an unhealthy attachment to the thing or act by the ego. Within the context of my ever-deepening Zen practice, this is truly a dance on a razor's edge. But that aside, what it really points to is a deep truth of self that I have now just begun to accept:

I very often give too much of myself...

...and it hurts.

Back when I was very active in the Chicago/Milwaukee kink scene (mid-late 80's), there were times when people in the community asked me (covertly, or subtly - most often); "Why do I always see you (read: the not classically considered "hawt" sort-of portly dude) with these really gorgeous / fascinating women? What have you got? What's special about you that makes women gravitate towards you?" I would often joke back "Well, large bodies--by virtue of their mass--always attract other bodies to them..." That wasn't/isn't entirely inaccurate. Large things do attract, but my physical mass isn't the issue, and that's what people have a hard time getting their heads around. My energy, my personality, my psyche, my skill-set, my compassion... those ARE large things. And they attract--invariably. Women have always been drawn to me--people have always been drawn to me. But just because this is the case doesn't mean that those drawn to me--or that the relationship that grows from that gravity and attraction--are healthy. And that is on me.

I have come to understand, through intense self-examination (read: Zen practice) and guided exploration (read: psychotherapy) that I DO have a rather large fear of being alone. This is interesting, because I appreciate and need a greater-than-average amount of quiet and "alone" time. But that time has always been nestled in the safety of knowing that I am "desired" and "wanted" by people. But looking at it now, how much of that "wanted" feeling was actually smoke and mirrors? How many of my relationships were actually images of stone projected upon very thin screens of gauze? How many of my relationships with people of the opposite sex were ones of mere convenience for both the woman (who gets to have this level of intense attention to her most base and intimate of needs fulfilled) as well as myself (who gets the intimacy of that physical, spiritual and psycho-sexual connection that is so desired) while the deep, genuine and authentic emotional connection--and the genuine physical and love and appreciation of me, as both a person and a masculine entity--has been relegated to such a low priority that it starts to wither, all because I don't want to not have its presence in my life.

In short: why do I give so much, and yet allow for so little to be returned to me?

That sounds so trite. So egocentric. So needy. I hate the way it sounds. But unfortunately, it's the truth of the situation. I married a gay woman. I am dating someone who either refuses or is incapable of equating my level of interest in--let alone passion for--the physicality of the relationship dynamic. I have spent the last eight years having sex with women who love me for what I can give to / produce in them, but when it comes to my pleasure, there is a disconnect. A major one. An elephant in the room. As I said to my primary partner recently while talking about wanting to end our marriage: it's no real fun fucking someone if they don't actually enjoy my dick in them. I am done with having sex with people who are letting me have sex with them.

Yes, I am very, very good as a lover/Dom/sex partner. Some would say I have more skills than many, many men they have known, etc, blah. But that doesn't really add up to sh!t if it's all for the love of smoke and mirrors. But with each step I take in my life now, I must insist that the relationship is based on something much more firm than "ten orgasms a day for good health".

I'd like one of those orgasms to be by me, for me, and because the woman wants it that way, not because I deserve it for all my effort and attention.



Short form: I want to be wanted. Just like everyone else. I may be an exceptional man in many ways, but that desire is still there. That need is still present. And it is unhealthy of me--psychically, psychologically, physically and spiritually--to deny myself that, all because I dislike the cold emptiness of one side of my bed.

[/vent]

VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
zentrixter:
Thanks go to all you ladies. I sincerely appreciate the sentiments...
corinthia:
Long-term couples tend to have waxing and waning sex lives. If the two are *fortunate* then they discover that after the initial stage of "let's fuck all the time" passes, they desire sex at similar frequencies. Many couples are not so fortunate. Just because she has less desire for sex than you do does not mean that she does reciprocate the emotional side of it! In fact, the fact that she's willing to participate even though her heart isn't always into it would attest to the fact that she really does have feelings for you.
Nonetheless, I can see how you'd feel a bit hurt and betrayed by her sentiment, and it's perfectly legitimate for you to feel that you want a long-term partner who has sex drive that more closely matches your own.

I think that speed-dating is silly, and probably superficial as well. I mean, WHY? All you get to know is what the person looks like and 5 minutes' worth of conversation. That is not nearly enough to determine much of anything. Sigh. The dating game sucks so much. I

Do you have AIM? It would be nice to talk to you on AIM sometime. You seem like such a fascinating person that I have some relevant things in common with. If not, maybe phone?

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