zenobia

Things fall apart. Maybe I should say my mind is falling apart. I can't keep piecing it back together without the right supplies. I feel myself slipping into a place that is dangerous for me. Everytime I crawl into that hole coming out becomes harder and harder. The really sad part is that I don't even feel like trying to stop myself from going back. I've been living without numbing myself and it's just not really working anymore. I can only survive when I can numb my memories, my pain, my guilt, my fear, my whole existence. I'm so good at acting like everything is okay. Three phrases I use the most are it doesn't matter, it's not a big deal, and it's cool man no worries. No one knows how I feel because I don't want to burden my friends with my mental issues. I mean I already know i'm a whack job no need in really sharing that with anyone else. Besides they have there own problems and issues to deal with. It's funny because I don't mind being there for them. I don't mind giving them a shoulder to lean on or a back to help carry the weight of their problems. I can give to them but I don't want them to give to me. I do mind sharing my problems with them. I don't want them to be there for me or give me a shoulder to lean on. It's fucked up and twisted but it's my way and always has been. To add to all my mental shit I quit smoking. I have now gained about 10Ilbs and i'm replused and disgusted everytime I walk by a mirror. I seriously have a exetremely negative reaction when I see myself now. Naked is even worse we won't even talk about it. I know the solution is to put the fork down and get off my ass and exercise. But believe me my job is execerise. Especially when you work 16hr days sometimes. But I guess I just have to make the time and get some exercise. I really wish I could take a knife and cut all the fat out. Well not really but making it disappear overnight would be great.

All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty together again