I buried a friend today.
It was tough and I'm trying to smile through it all but I also realize that I've also become somewhat desensitized to it all, which makes me far from happy. There had been so much loss in the past few years that it's becoming somewhat par for course.
Ugh.
With that said, the services were nice, quiet and well, kind of typical.
This will not be the case when I kick it.
I swear to god, I'm drafting up an email right now that I will copy out and place with my living will and it's going to go something like this:
Hi, I'm dead. Don't cry, I had a pretty wicked life (both literally and figuratively) so what I need you friends that are still alive and kicking to do is celebrate today because, well, as I've previously stated, I'm dead and these are my last wishes.
1) Organ music, while totally cool for the Yanni and Phantom of the Opera, will not be played at my services. My playlist will consist of Strung Out, Cash, the Nekromantix, AAA, Waits, all much fast and loud.
And you WILL dance. Yep, dance; shake it, shimmy it, boogie it, kick it, skank it, rock it, break it; I don't care but I want some gyratin' going on.
2) The food and drink served at the wake will not be typical comfort food; you're going to eat what I normally ate. That means you'll get burritos, lime Tostitos and salsa, Tabasco Cheez-its, towers of sushi, sour gummy worms and some type of ice cream.
For drinks? Heffeveisens. Wheat beer, that's it. So you have a wheat allergy? Tough shit, drink it and then you can die and have your own wake, therefore picking the food (which I'm relatively sure will NOT include wheat beer) and drink.
3) No ties allowed unless they are those ties that are made to look like fish.
4) No shoes, because everyone's more humble when they lack shoes.
5) Everyone has to play Twister prior to the eulogy. I can't think of a better way for my Mom to get to know my friends than to contort herself with them.
Pause.
6) Every time someone cries they have to take a shot. Of hot sauce. Bet no one cries then or, if they do, they'll now have a damn good reason to.
7) Everyone has to tell one embarrassing story about me because, OH MY GOD, do I have a ton and how can I be embarrassed now that I'm feeding the worms? This will also include a life-sized picture of me at age 3 streaking my just-bathed, naked lil' ass around the house that my mother seriously brings out on all holidays (especially if I have a lady-friend with me) so I'm going to turn the tables and make here stare at my naked goods for the whole service.
8) I want my cat, Bones, dressed in a bow tie and top hat for the proceedings. Preferably a pink bow tie and top hat because if I'm going to be made fun of, so is he. He hates criticism so, rest assured, he will probably pee on one of you.
9) I want 50% of my finances to go to whatever it is that caused me to kick it and then I want the other half to be spent on roses to be sent to Milla Jovovich. I figure it'll be like 250,000 roses and that means she'll at least know my name, even though I am now meat popsicle.
10) I want the SG burlesque troupe to perform -- PRIOR to the services beginning. Jaeci, I'll be expecting you to help make this happen.
I'm now going to go drink a beer and reflect. Nighty night.
It was tough and I'm trying to smile through it all but I also realize that I've also become somewhat desensitized to it all, which makes me far from happy. There had been so much loss in the past few years that it's becoming somewhat par for course.
Ugh.
With that said, the services were nice, quiet and well, kind of typical.
This will not be the case when I kick it.
I swear to god, I'm drafting up an email right now that I will copy out and place with my living will and it's going to go something like this:
Hi, I'm dead. Don't cry, I had a pretty wicked life (both literally and figuratively) so what I need you friends that are still alive and kicking to do is celebrate today because, well, as I've previously stated, I'm dead and these are my last wishes.
1) Organ music, while totally cool for the Yanni and Phantom of the Opera, will not be played at my services. My playlist will consist of Strung Out, Cash, the Nekromantix, AAA, Waits, all much fast and loud.
And you WILL dance. Yep, dance; shake it, shimmy it, boogie it, kick it, skank it, rock it, break it; I don't care but I want some gyratin' going on.
2) The food and drink served at the wake will not be typical comfort food; you're going to eat what I normally ate. That means you'll get burritos, lime Tostitos and salsa, Tabasco Cheez-its, towers of sushi, sour gummy worms and some type of ice cream.
For drinks? Heffeveisens. Wheat beer, that's it. So you have a wheat allergy? Tough shit, drink it and then you can die and have your own wake, therefore picking the food (which I'm relatively sure will NOT include wheat beer) and drink.
3) No ties allowed unless they are those ties that are made to look like fish.
4) No shoes, because everyone's more humble when they lack shoes.
5) Everyone has to play Twister prior to the eulogy. I can't think of a better way for my Mom to get to know my friends than to contort herself with them.
Pause.
6) Every time someone cries they have to take a shot. Of hot sauce. Bet no one cries then or, if they do, they'll now have a damn good reason to.
7) Everyone has to tell one embarrassing story about me because, OH MY GOD, do I have a ton and how can I be embarrassed now that I'm feeding the worms? This will also include a life-sized picture of me at age 3 streaking my just-bathed, naked lil' ass around the house that my mother seriously brings out on all holidays (especially if I have a lady-friend with me) so I'm going to turn the tables and make here stare at my naked goods for the whole service.
8) I want my cat, Bones, dressed in a bow tie and top hat for the proceedings. Preferably a pink bow tie and top hat because if I'm going to be made fun of, so is he. He hates criticism so, rest assured, he will probably pee on one of you.
9) I want 50% of my finances to go to whatever it is that caused me to kick it and then I want the other half to be spent on roses to be sent to Milla Jovovich. I figure it'll be like 250,000 roses and that means she'll at least know my name, even though I am now meat popsicle.
10) I want the SG burlesque troupe to perform -- PRIOR to the services beginning. Jaeci, I'll be expecting you to help make this happen.
I'm now going to go drink a beer and reflect. Nighty night.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I greatly approve of number 4. People are much more humbled when bare foot. Plus, I hate wearing shoes.