I have a big, ugly white 1986 F-150 pickup truck. I call it "The Beast". This is a loving nickname, mind you, and not a cursed pseudonym for my vehicle.
When I say big and ugly, that's only the tip of the iceberg. My general reasoning was that instead of trying to make an ugly thing attractive, why not make the object even uglier? Familiar with the saying, "You can shine up a turd all you want but (no pun intended) in the end (no pun intended) all you'll have is a shiny turd?" You're probably not familiar with the saying but I think you see where I'm going with this. Regardless, that's how I feel about my truck; glorify its sad appearance, no need to try and dress it up.
**We interrupt the beginnings of this chaotic rambling to inform you that the writer is in no way a redneck, a cowboy, inbred, has never lived in a trailer, desired to be deemed white trash, liked the movie 'Joe Dirt', or is in any slight way fond of such a lifestyle, other than occasionally watching John Wayne movies and wishing he owned a horse named Banana Nut Muffin.**
Uglification Step One: Added a three inch lift to only the rear of the truck, so that ONLY the back is jacked up. I believe this is always the first step in making something uglier. Effectively, the bigger it is, the uglier it is. Think about it. Jumbo shrimp. Besides being an oxymoron, they're far more ugly than their smaller bretheren. Is this because the size makes their negative aesthetic values more apparent? I say yes.
Uglification Step Two: Installed a nine foot whip antenna (which was ripped completely off of the truck yesterday by an automated car wash, but that's another story) AND a CB radio, because, well, the antenna makes fast food drive-thru experiences nothing short of hysterical and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that trucker conversation causes me to lapse into fits of giggling which is only quelled by significant beer consumption or Haldol.
Uglification Step Three: Removed the ass-ugly hubcaps, sanded down the rims and painted them flat black and then added some mondo chrome lug nuts. This plays dead into my childhood fantasy of having a vehicle from Mad Max/The Road Warrior/Beyond Thunderdome. If you are not acquainted with these movies I feel sorry for you and I'm pretty sure you were abused as a child.
Uglification Step Four: Bought a significantly huge brush guard for the front bumper, which in co-ink-a-dinkly flat black. Go figure. I don't know what brush it intends on guarding but that's a lucky brush indeed because the guard is big, solid, strong and fugly.
Uglification Step Five: Dual exhaust. Big and ugly has to SOUND big and ugly. Duh.
Uglification Step Sex: Did I just type "sex"? People say once you start thinking about sex you lose track of everything else. Mm-hmm, riiiiight.
Uglification Step Eleven: Hood scoop. It's on its way. Again, this plays dead into my Mad Max fantasies. I didn't have fantasies about Mad Max, you asshole, just the movies, keep up. And yes I said there was a good chance that you were abused as a shild. Suck it up. Live with it.
Uglification Step Twelve: Cargo net in the back instead of a tailgate. C'mon, you know what type of net I'm talking about. The appearance value of a vehicle drops faster than, say, NBC and Martha Stewart's 'Apprentice'.
Future Items to be added as finances permit:
-- Fog lights for the brush gaurd. We don't have much fog here in Florida but the lights just make a vehicle look mean. Mean is good.
-- Fire Extinguisher. It's a law somewhere, although I forget where at this very moment, that ugly things blow up all the time. Why not have a fire extinguisher to put out the flames?
-- A five point racing harness as a seat belt because, well, they just look so damn cool. No other reason. Cool and ugly can totally coexist, just look at Nicholas Cage. Oh, damn, that was just cold-blooded.
-- A dingo with a red bandana around it's neck to ride shotgun. Dingos eat babies and they attack on command or so movies lead you to believe. Double bonus. I'd also mention that this ties directly into Mad Max again but you're probably still upset over your childhood issues, so ...
Further updates as warranted and pictures as soon as I get the chance.
When I say big and ugly, that's only the tip of the iceberg. My general reasoning was that instead of trying to make an ugly thing attractive, why not make the object even uglier? Familiar with the saying, "You can shine up a turd all you want but (no pun intended) in the end (no pun intended) all you'll have is a shiny turd?" You're probably not familiar with the saying but I think you see where I'm going with this. Regardless, that's how I feel about my truck; glorify its sad appearance, no need to try and dress it up.
**We interrupt the beginnings of this chaotic rambling to inform you that the writer is in no way a redneck, a cowboy, inbred, has never lived in a trailer, desired to be deemed white trash, liked the movie 'Joe Dirt', or is in any slight way fond of such a lifestyle, other than occasionally watching John Wayne movies and wishing he owned a horse named Banana Nut Muffin.**
Uglification Step One: Added a three inch lift to only the rear of the truck, so that ONLY the back is jacked up. I believe this is always the first step in making something uglier. Effectively, the bigger it is, the uglier it is. Think about it. Jumbo shrimp. Besides being an oxymoron, they're far more ugly than their smaller bretheren. Is this because the size makes their negative aesthetic values more apparent? I say yes.
Uglification Step Two: Installed a nine foot whip antenna (which was ripped completely off of the truck yesterday by an automated car wash, but that's another story) AND a CB radio, because, well, the antenna makes fast food drive-thru experiences nothing short of hysterical and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that trucker conversation causes me to lapse into fits of giggling which is only quelled by significant beer consumption or Haldol.
Uglification Step Three: Removed the ass-ugly hubcaps, sanded down the rims and painted them flat black and then added some mondo chrome lug nuts. This plays dead into my childhood fantasy of having a vehicle from Mad Max/The Road Warrior/Beyond Thunderdome. If you are not acquainted with these movies I feel sorry for you and I'm pretty sure you were abused as a child.
Uglification Step Four: Bought a significantly huge brush guard for the front bumper, which in co-ink-a-dinkly flat black. Go figure. I don't know what brush it intends on guarding but that's a lucky brush indeed because the guard is big, solid, strong and fugly.
Uglification Step Five: Dual exhaust. Big and ugly has to SOUND big and ugly. Duh.
Uglification Step Sex: Did I just type "sex"? People say once you start thinking about sex you lose track of everything else. Mm-hmm, riiiiight.
Uglification Step Eleven: Hood scoop. It's on its way. Again, this plays dead into my Mad Max fantasies. I didn't have fantasies about Mad Max, you asshole, just the movies, keep up. And yes I said there was a good chance that you were abused as a shild. Suck it up. Live with it.
Uglification Step Twelve: Cargo net in the back instead of a tailgate. C'mon, you know what type of net I'm talking about. The appearance value of a vehicle drops faster than, say, NBC and Martha Stewart's 'Apprentice'.
Future Items to be added as finances permit:
-- Fog lights for the brush gaurd. We don't have much fog here in Florida but the lights just make a vehicle look mean. Mean is good.
-- Fire Extinguisher. It's a law somewhere, although I forget where at this very moment, that ugly things blow up all the time. Why not have a fire extinguisher to put out the flames?
-- A five point racing harness as a seat belt because, well, they just look so damn cool. No other reason. Cool and ugly can totally coexist, just look at Nicholas Cage. Oh, damn, that was just cold-blooded.
-- A dingo with a red bandana around it's neck to ride shotgun. Dingos eat babies and they attack on command or so movies lead you to believe. Double bonus. I'd also mention that this ties directly into Mad Max again but you're probably still upset over your childhood issues, so ...
Further updates as warranted and pictures as soon as I get the chance.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
or, at the very least, a woman.
I KNEW IT!