zef

What a wasted sack of flesh I have made of my life. I wake up begrudgingly facing the day without an agenda. I temper over how late can I go into work and still make enough to survive. At work, I maneuver myself in such a way as make it through the day having achieved as little as possible while making the day go as fast as possible. I have school to look forward to in about two weeks, but I have to get through those two weeks. I have make something of my life, arrange it differently, turn it into a well oiled machine or at least the makings of one.

My whole life has been a series of these realizations. I always build a big list before facing a new challenge, only to let myself down repeatedly. When the adventure starts, I face the challange head on then slowly lose steam as I feel out the amount of effort needed to achieve an acceptable ends, which usually leaves me rushing to finish up my assignments or duties.

My life needs something else. An overhaul? a life coach with real authority? I didn't change for a girlfriend (albeit she wasn't the one for me), can I at least change for me? I want to change the world, but certainly that begins with me.

I am an example of a shambled life. learn from me, see me full of holes, figure out how I got here, then steer your course elsewhere. I am a sunken ship.

But see, I can't allow language like that to continue...positive thinking is the only way to create functional change. Some will say I am thinking too much, but I can only say it's only because I am not doing enough. How do I pull the plug on thinking?

I carelessly walked out my apartment yesterday without my keys. No hidden spare, no neighbor with an extra set, and my friends and family are ten hours away. My cellphone was inside, too. I had to ask a neighbor to borrow his phone. It was hot as fuck. I was sweating profusely. I paged the maintenance people to have them come unlock the door. A guy called back, said it would cost me $25 for an after office hours lockout. I asked him what his point was, snidely. He said, "I need $25 to let you in." Like I am going to say no. I'll sleep outside tonight. The whole time I am waiting, like an hour and half, I couldn't get myself to just observe my thoughts for anything I just kept trying to control them, make the negative thoughts go away, which of course means they persisted. When the dude finally showed up, he was nice, didn't charge me, and explained what took him so long. I was so frustrated with myself. As I sat there waiting, I kept going over my conversation with him on the phone and what I expected would be a confrontation with an annoyed human being when he did arrive. I assumed his lateness was a response to my smugness and not a legitimate reason for taking so long. I wanted to implode. On the outside, I appeared a calm master of my ego, but on the inside I wanted to implode. My anger wasn't at him or me, but with existence and my lack of understanding something that really can't be understood.

I am going to start seeking something to balance this feeling of worthlessness with my true value. So there's a foundation to build upon, let's see what I do with it.