zef

I've struggled with self abuse for nearly two decades trying to sever ties with a period of my life that I had no control over, but seems to have had a great impact upon my conceptual identity. The specifics are irrelevant. We all have histories, but how we bring ourselves to the present moment, how much of that past luggage we bring with us determines how present we are to moment at hand. If I bring even a little of my past with me, what I am seeing isn't real but instead the present filtered through a haze that reconfigures the moment into this abstraction of truth, which is untrue. Sometimes the resulting moment is real enough to maintain my existence without causing extensive trauma, but occasionally I bring sooooo much past into the now that I misjudge my reaction to a situation turning it into something that I am blind to apprehend. I play out a twisted self-enacted prophecy of the past repeating itself in the present.

"tragedy takes place when a system of operation that is no longer relivant maintains control of the present out of habit and unawareness of its outdatedness." well it was something like that.

I struggle to haul of this uncertainty and confusion with me. I act as though I will need it somehow to understand the present moment. Why? What foolishness is this? Life is in constant flux. No two situations are alike. What would make me think that doing something as I had done it in the past will result in a situation that is any better than the its previous incarnation. Using the past as my toolbox, I am ill-equipped. I am trying to use a plethora of odd shaped circumstances to fit a current and newly configured moment (Square peg - round hole)

Meditation, it is said is a kind method (without judgement, self abuse) of detatchment. It should allow me the experience and the space to see the insignificance of the load that I imagine I've been amassing since birth.I've done it some. It has lightened my load, but i I haven't done it enough to fully know levity.

I compress the requirements of life into a shorter span of time. This perssure cooker seems to inspire results that I am never quite satisfied with though they garner me praise. Should I be happy with good enough? If I allow myself the time allotted to complete an assignment, a life task, starting the moment assigned/realized would I not perhaps come up with multiple solutions that would eventually coallesce into an ideal form. only experience will dictate. Only not wasting the past 20hrs of "free time" compressing the required actions into less time will I know.

Instead, I say I did the best I could with what I understood how to do. I will learn more with doing. I will a little more, as much as i understand how to do. Perhaps I won't fear learning a little more from the unknown. perhaps in the future, I will say all of this in a poem, a haiku even. consice and to the point.