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zef

Ohio

Member Since 2005

Followers 22 Following 61

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Thursday Dec 15, 2005

Dec 15, 2005
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Some time in the recent few weeks, SG became less about checking out the girls in the latest sets and more about making human connections. I try to catch up after a few days of not really looking at the girls. But I feel increasingly distant somehow. Not disinterested in the physical awesomeness of the female form in all it's incarnations, but just this feeling of being removed.

I am seeking love. L-O-V-E, as if by spelling it out I can express meaning in a way that we can all understand it equally. Love is just a personal sensation. If it weren't it would be formula. Perform x and y, if z is greater than or equal to 1, then love is a possibility. It's so much more involved than that, making that connection. Trying to find the one person in the midst of the eternal now that not only are you are interested in but they see you and are interested in you.

I am exploring my interests in a few girls and somehow in one guy (who has expressed his interest in me, though I haven't felt that physical spark of excitement when I think about him) . I am obvious or so I think. But so far, no one has really stepped forward, stepped into the light to declare an interest, not in a way that is obvious,, not to me anyway.

These are so amazingly interesting girls. The online girls, those who have never met me, I don't expect much from. They can take a look at my profile, my picture, my interests, what do they see? Do they see past their own predjudices to the person who is really smiling in that picture? Do they have any idea why I am smiling? Do they care?

For the most part, I don't think I measure up. That's my judgment. that's my self disclosure. I seal myself behind a wall. That familiar cliche. I let some emotions slip through, but mostly I am prepared to be defended by that wall. It's my barrier from pain. But I am beginning to realize that being behind the wall is all the pain that I can stand. I'd rather stand naked and exposed, open and honest, than hide behind the fear of being alive, being judged.

I rather just noticed that my life energy is low. That feeling loved, feeds that energy. You have no idea what I am capable of when I feel that spark of love. I don't really know how to fan it for myself, how to turn that withering ember into a solar body capable of igniting life in the universe of the imagination.

That picture up there, the one "representing" me. That's a smile. A real fucking smile. I know because I don't do that often. I was smiling at someone I loved. But that love is no longer there to mirror my affections. It has atrophied and become something remote and inflamable.

I am feeling a bit cold.

ooo aaa (I don't know. I just thought I needed something that would make it seem like I wasn'ta bout to go load a gun, which I am not. I am just lonely.)
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
drave:
Where heres how I see it. I used to look for love .. and then once I really fell in love for 3 1/2 years.. and found that the 3 1/2 years was all a lie.
So I dont look for love anymore... but I think that everything will work out for you.

I talk to you here online a lot and You know what I see? I see someone who is very very smart and awesome to talk to and not scared to be who you are. Any girl/guy loves that in a person!
You know maybe I didnt know why your smiling but I do care about whether you are smiling or not when you get online!
So we all care about you.
I am really glad that I have a friend like you on here. Makes me smile.
...friends are better than love...
lol. In my opinion.

Anyways so
I am soooooooooooo happy for you about that Diamond deal. How fucking awesome is that? I hope that it really works out for you!!! That will be fucking kewl as hell! I'd be happy if I got that deal... not having to pay until they are sold. Wow.

That guy that I talked to in the club was okay and,,., I mean next time I go to the club I am sure ill see him and talk to him but im not going to take it farther than that. I am just tooo focused on my skool work to allow any distractions and I think thats a smart decision. But you know I can always be his friend and hang out with him if I ever have time. lol .


Dec 15, 2005
venti_mistake:
I know how you feel. My ex -wife was my world. And then that world dropped right out form under me. I was so lost and panicked and finally desolate. I decided one night to just put it all out there and do something that would otherwise have terrified me. I guess it was my way of saying fuck it to the world. And the minute I did that, someone popped up out of the blue. I don't want to rush into anything but man, I can't deny the way I feel about her right?

I used to be the type to scoff at people who were like, "hey I met this awesome person on the net!"
And now it has happened to me! The irony is just kills me. It proved to me that love just is. It's nothing you can find, it finds you, and always when you least expect it.

My friend I know that lightning will strike you. When I saw that picture I thought to myself, "this is a guy I would totally love to have coffee with and take in a show and just hang out." All that form your smile.
Dec 16, 2005

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