zef

Some time in the recent few weeks, SG became less about checking out the girls in the latest sets and more about making human connections. I try to catch up after a few days of not really looking at the girls. But I feel increasingly distant somehow. Not disinterested in the physical awesomeness of the female form in all it's incarnations, but just this feeling of being removed.

I am seeking love. L-O-V-E, as if by spelling it out I can express meaning in a way that we can all understand it equally. Love is just a personal sensation. If it weren't it would be formula. Perform x and y, if z is greater than or equal to 1, then love is a possibility. It's so much more involved than that, making that connection. Trying to find the one person in the midst of the eternal now that not only are you are interested in but they see you and are interested in you.

I am exploring my interests in a few girls and somehow in one guy (who has expressed his interest in me, though I haven't felt that physical spark of excitement when I think about him) . I am obvious or so I think. But so far, no one has really stepped forward, stepped into the light to declare an interest, not in a way that is obvious,, not to me anyway.

These are so amazingly interesting girls. The online girls, those who have never met me, I don't expect much from. They can take a look at my profile, my picture, my interests, what do they see? Do they see past their own predjudices to the person who is really smiling in that picture? Do they have any idea why I am smiling? Do they care?

For the most part, I don't think I measure up. That's my judgment. that's my self disclosure. I seal myself behind a wall. That familiar cliche. I let some emotions slip through, but mostly I am prepared to be defended by that wall. It's my barrier from pain. But I am beginning to realize that being behind the wall is all the pain that I can stand. I'd rather stand naked and exposed, open and honest, than hide behind the fear of being alive, being judged.

I rather just noticed that my life energy is low. That feeling loved, feeds that energy. You have no idea what I am capable of when I feel that spark of love. I don't really know how to fan it for myself, how to turn that withering ember into a solar body capable of igniting life in the universe of the imagination.

That picture up there, the one "representing" me. That's a smile. A real fucking smile. I know because I don't do that often. I was smiling at someone I loved. But that love is no longer there to mirror my affections. It has atrophied and become something remote and inflamable.

I am feeling a bit cold.

(I don't know. I just thought I needed something that would make it seem like I wasn'ta bout to go load a gun, which I am not. I am just lonely.)