UPDATE 2: To add to the crushing stress of my life lately I just got home from the hospital. turns out my left kidney has decided to try to shut down. Apparently I have pissed God off and am being punished. but hey I do get to sit in a house without heat wearing three coats and/or sleep in my truck, and I'll get to spend all Christmas day sitting in this house alone. So YAY for life.
Update:
she ran from the trees and fell at my feet, with eyes filled with pain, she begged for me to take it away, and i couldn't even cry for her. the hole in her side flowed red as the setting sun skies as i sat with her head in my lap i pulled the blade from my pocket, it was small but sharp and true. i covered her eyes and whispered regret and swept steel cross her throat. her tongue on my hand and last warm breath on my skin crept like love and thank you. now this maroon water that was once her life, now has stained me and all my scrubbing will not take it away. i held her still and wept inside but in my life i can no longer make tears and this made the feeling multiply. why cant even her undue exit make me feel? why cant i be human for this small creature who has never even heard the word? then he steps out from the brush, all laughter and orange and his eyes scan for his trophy and as he sees me i see him and finally i feel human. i feel dark and heartless and a tear finally comes, but its crimson as it rolls down my cheek and the taste of it is copper as it stains my lips. sadly this is not the first time ive cried blood and as he approaches to steal her from me, its all i can do to not steal the cannon from his arms, sink my teeth into his chest and let him know what its like to die quiet and alone. when she died i died beside her as i have done so much lately. like her i have no warm home to return to, but her life now is rest, mine is too be more of this. running in fear, waiting for my lost soul in whose lap i can rest my head, beg compassion, thank for for sharing and sparing me of my pain and hopefully her life will not bare such a high toll that she may not weep for me or herself either. and if you wonder of the creature whose blood now paints not only my hands and heart, but also the white keys of this computer, know that as i write this somewhere in the middle of nowhere there is a bitter murderer with no prize and a fresh hand dug bed beside a quiet parking lot and over the dirt lies a rock scribed in blood and stating only one word.... Free..
A poem based on my day today.
...........................................................
So January 21, 2006 Im going to Australia for a couple weeks, and im taking my best friend, cause its her dream to go. I already have the entire trip planned and payed for (kinda). All there is now is to wait for the date.
its a birthday present for her, but seeing as her birthday is in August and that Australian winter we decided to go on my birthday instead. I know that seems far away but hey its expensive so im trying to be responsible wit it.
Anyway......
(Well not really cause Im sure you need your clothes,) but Pack up kiscica , dont forget your sunblock. surfers burn sucks.
Other than that life really sucks lately.
I got the job with the truck company and two days in to training the decided a.) to fire me for no reason, and b.) to put me $1100 deeper into debt by charging me for my training.
Oh yeah and im homeless and alone.
i have to go now. if Im not out of this house in like ten minutes my friends mom is going to come home and have me arrested for tresspassing (shes not allowed to have friends when her mom isnt home even though shes 21)..
So yeah all the people who kept saying, it cant get any worse. I love you but guess again, it did, And is about to again.
PS thanks for all the well wishes. I love you all.
dead Zech
Update:
she ran from the trees and fell at my feet, with eyes filled with pain, she begged for me to take it away, and i couldn't even cry for her. the hole in her side flowed red as the setting sun skies as i sat with her head in my lap i pulled the blade from my pocket, it was small but sharp and true. i covered her eyes and whispered regret and swept steel cross her throat. her tongue on my hand and last warm breath on my skin crept like love and thank you. now this maroon water that was once her life, now has stained me and all my scrubbing will not take it away. i held her still and wept inside but in my life i can no longer make tears and this made the feeling multiply. why cant even her undue exit make me feel? why cant i be human for this small creature who has never even heard the word? then he steps out from the brush, all laughter and orange and his eyes scan for his trophy and as he sees me i see him and finally i feel human. i feel dark and heartless and a tear finally comes, but its crimson as it rolls down my cheek and the taste of it is copper as it stains my lips. sadly this is not the first time ive cried blood and as he approaches to steal her from me, its all i can do to not steal the cannon from his arms, sink my teeth into his chest and let him know what its like to die quiet and alone. when she died i died beside her as i have done so much lately. like her i have no warm home to return to, but her life now is rest, mine is too be more of this. running in fear, waiting for my lost soul in whose lap i can rest my head, beg compassion, thank for for sharing and sparing me of my pain and hopefully her life will not bare such a high toll that she may not weep for me or herself either. and if you wonder of the creature whose blood now paints not only my hands and heart, but also the white keys of this computer, know that as i write this somewhere in the middle of nowhere there is a bitter murderer with no prize and a fresh hand dug bed beside a quiet parking lot and over the dirt lies a rock scribed in blood and stating only one word.... Free..
A poem based on my day today.
...........................................................
So January 21, 2006 Im going to Australia for a couple weeks, and im taking my best friend, cause its her dream to go. I already have the entire trip planned and payed for (kinda). All there is now is to wait for the date.
its a birthday present for her, but seeing as her birthday is in August and that Australian winter we decided to go on my birthday instead. I know that seems far away but hey its expensive so im trying to be responsible wit it.
Anyway......
(Well not really cause Im sure you need your clothes,) but Pack up kiscica , dont forget your sunblock. surfers burn sucks.
Other than that life really sucks lately.
I got the job with the truck company and two days in to training the decided a.) to fire me for no reason, and b.) to put me $1100 deeper into debt by charging me for my training.
Oh yeah and im homeless and alone.
i have to go now. if Im not out of this house in like ten minutes my friends mom is going to come home and have me arrested for tresspassing (shes not allowed to have friends when her mom isnt home even though shes 21)..
So yeah all the people who kept saying, it cant get any worse. I love you but guess again, it did, And is about to again.
PS thanks for all the well wishes. I love you all.
dead Zech
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
on a less silly note, I know you've heard it before but wow you are such an amazing writer. Everything you write is beautiful, even when you write about ugliness and pain. That is a true gift to create beauty out of despair.
Sending you love.
And kidney's are overrated I tell you. Mine give me fucking trouble all the time. And look on the bright side, you have another whole kidney so I say rot on kidney, rot on.
Don't you have any decent friends to help you out right now or family or something? I really hope you find somewhere soon because my tummy gets all grumbled when I think of you cold and sleeping in a truck.
xoxo