zazie

i can imagine my self laying on the floor
sprawled
lifeless
blood and heartshed everywhere
just seconds before biting and rubbing at my wrists
confused, dazed, hopless, lost, numb, catatonic
i have nowhere to go
nor up, down, or in between
just fade away in the blur
hoping some remaining colors of affection still show after im gone
knowing everything is figured out
i don't have to try so hard to be the person I never knew I was anymore
never expected it
there was so much inside this soul of mine
you have no idea
and probably never will
becuase for someone like you
that would mean caring, understanding, being there for someone
who isn't you
to take time out of your
oh so busy life
to say hello, how are you, are you ok
but no
that wouldn't be you
you just leave things be
because their contnt in their plain boring usual fashion
but you've become so acoustom to regularity and falicies
im not saying you were the reason
i let me soul fly away
it probably wasnt even here to begin with
maybe I just didn't belong
or know how or where to belong
im like a coke fiend waiting for a hit
i need something, anything
just to get away
I've been here too long
and i don't know anymore
im so scared now a days
my eyes are black and my heart is bleeding through my words
i just
fade
into nothing
open eyed and finally smiling
this is real
yes
real.