"What happened?"
I'm flabbergasted anybody reads this, for one. And what comes next isn't happy.
The meeting was inconclusive, by my lights. She gave me sound advice on how to choose a program, but it was the kind of advice that would only do me any good if I already knew what I was going for. I certainly didn't come away with any new sense of direction, or a revitalized commitment to furthering my education. Indeed, the purposeless entropic drift of my life has only continued and worsened. I was finally forced to give notice to my landlord today, so I'll be moving at the end of March. Probably to damp mudpatch under a bridge.
It's been a long time since I've been this poor and (soon) homeless. I haven't maintained the skills. You'd think that perhaps the looming disaster would motivate me finally to do something about it, but I am inevitably paralyzed by the question of what.
And it's not a question for which any answer (and I've gotten all the obvious ones) has yet been satisfactory. And there is no evidence that an answer exists.
The human animal is not adapted to functioning in the total absence of hope. I realize that now, and so can almost forgive the religious for their folly, as destructive as it has been in human history. It's ironic that the very thing that makes it possible for us to discard superstition (our capacity for rational thought) is also the very thing that makes it necessary for our survival - since I can honestly say if I had as much sense as I thought I did I'd just disembowel myself now and save myself the trouble of making what would certainly be an unsuccessful attempt to pull my life back together from the wreck I've allowed it to become.
Oh, well. I suppose I still have a chance to see reason.
Damn I'm bitter.
I'm flabbergasted anybody reads this, for one. And what comes next isn't happy.
The meeting was inconclusive, by my lights. She gave me sound advice on how to choose a program, but it was the kind of advice that would only do me any good if I already knew what I was going for. I certainly didn't come away with any new sense of direction, or a revitalized commitment to furthering my education. Indeed, the purposeless entropic drift of my life has only continued and worsened. I was finally forced to give notice to my landlord today, so I'll be moving at the end of March. Probably to damp mudpatch under a bridge.
It's been a long time since I've been this poor and (soon) homeless. I haven't maintained the skills. You'd think that perhaps the looming disaster would motivate me finally to do something about it, but I am inevitably paralyzed by the question of what.
And it's not a question for which any answer (and I've gotten all the obvious ones) has yet been satisfactory. And there is no evidence that an answer exists.
The human animal is not adapted to functioning in the total absence of hope. I realize that now, and so can almost forgive the religious for their folly, as destructive as it has been in human history. It's ironic that the very thing that makes it possible for us to discard superstition (our capacity for rational thought) is also the very thing that makes it necessary for our survival - since I can honestly say if I had as much sense as I thought I did I'd just disembowel myself now and save myself the trouble of making what would certainly be an unsuccessful attempt to pull my life back together from the wreck I've allowed it to become.
Oh, well. I suppose I still have a chance to see reason.
Damn I'm bitter.