A Treat, brought to you by Weekly World News:
THE GAYEST AMERICAN HERO Up the Wazoo with Miss Adventure - or Jungle Boy meets real African Queen!
The past weeks have been extremely busy ones for Kevin Andrews, famed far and wide, higha dn deep, as Miss Adventure, the Gayest American Hero.
"Even my dearest friends can't believe how wide I've spread," Andrews recently told Weekly World News. "My name is everywhere, not just on police blotters. Why, if I laid the people who know me end to end -- but I suppose there's no reason to do that again!"
Believed to have perished when his runaway balloon vanished over Washington, D.C., Miss Adventure touched down in the untamed wilds of the Dark Continent. There he befriended a sadomasochistic monkey named Cheater, traded the last vestments of civilization for a simple loincloth of vines and leaves and, in the guise of Bimbo the Jungle Boy, joined a safari headed by his old nemesis, Sir Nigel Cushing. Their objective was to follow the raging Wazoo River in search of teh fabled Lost City of Palooza -- and it's legendary riches.
Making the trek pleasureable for Andrews were some very accommodating bearers -- "Who were total bears," Andrews said -- as well as the presence of Cushing's studly nephew, Bunny Darlington, who took an immediate fancy to the bogus savage and could barely keep his hands off Andrews' fern.
"He seemed to regard my leafy loincloth as his own private tossed salad," Andrews said later. "Whenever we'd meet for a moonlight walk he'd reach for the croutons. But I insisted on a proper courtship. Hours passed before I let him have his head." Andrews grinned. "and don't let the British fool you. It's just not their upper lips that are stiff."
Much to Sir Nigel's annoyance, Bunny and Bimbo became an item. Bunny even gave Andrews his prized, 7-inch white ivory blade as a memento.
After a week's journey up the Wazoo, the footsore safari finally arrived at the great wall surrounding the lost city. Cautiously, the party approached the giant door leading into Palooza. Because there were no giant knockers they entered uninvited. Later that afternoon, they chanced upon the secret treasure foom, filled with gems more valuable than the entire contents of Bill Gates' wallet.
"As a supposedly ignorant savage, I should have shown no interest," Andrews admitted. "But I defy any Bimbo to remain unimpressed by that much loot!"
Suddenly, a voice rang out: "Fools! Nitwits! How dare you defile our sacred reasure with your grubby mitts! I, Queen La La of Palooza, forbit it!"
It was the city's barbarous ruler, her loins girdled in gold and emeralds, her bountiful breasts proud and naked.
"We'd found the city's giant knockers after all!" Andrews said.
Before anyone had a chance to react, La La's savage minions fell upon the intruders. In the act of choosing emerald earrings to match his jungle raiment, Miss Adventure was conked on the head and rendered unconcscious.
"When I awoke I found myslef spread-eagled on a sacrificial altar, surrounded by sacrificial altar boys," Andrews recalled. "Queen La La drew a sword from its jeweled sheath. She held it beside the white blade I was wearing on my waist. And I don't mean the one Bunny gave me.
"What will my mighty scimitar say to your little dirk?" she taunted.
"Anything it likes," I replied, "as long as it isn't too cutting."
The queen sneered ominously and all seemed lost. Suddenly, Andrews heard a suave voice from somewhere behind the vicious queen.
"Am I intruding, or can anyone play?" it purred.
It was Bunny Darlington, his elephant gun pointed squarely at La La. He gestured toward the queen's fist, which still clutched a portion of Miss Adventure's anatomy previously untouched by female hands.
"if you don't stop that I'll be forced to shoot," Bunny remarked.
"If you don't stop that I'll be forced to shoot," Andrews told the queen.
"La La blinked on her iron grip was broken -- on me and on the kingdom."
The high priest of the sacrificial altar boys presented their backs to La La and bowed to Darlington.
"They'd chosen him as their new queen and he graciously accepted," Andrews said. "As the former queen was taken away and the priest untied me, I remarked that the new ruler would probably be happier if, next time, they bowed the other way around.
"I was heartbroken that Bunny didn't ask me to stay with him," Andrews went on. "But under the circumstances I wasn't about to argue the point."
Miss Adventure was handed a map to the coast and some lovely parting gifts, which included several items from La La's closet. He gave the bearers a parting hug and soon found himself back in New Jersey among his friends and loved ones.
"Maybe it's just a bout of jungle fever, but it would have been nice to stay in Palooza as a force behind the throne," Andrews said. "But I guess fate has other plans for me."
Indeed it does.
Next week: The very old, very dark home.
___________
Comments? Feelings? Your deepest desire as worded in five words or less?
cl0ck
THE GAYEST AMERICAN HERO Up the Wazoo with Miss Adventure - or Jungle Boy meets real African Queen!
The past weeks have been extremely busy ones for Kevin Andrews, famed far and wide, higha dn deep, as Miss Adventure, the Gayest American Hero.
"Even my dearest friends can't believe how wide I've spread," Andrews recently told Weekly World News. "My name is everywhere, not just on police blotters. Why, if I laid the people who know me end to end -- but I suppose there's no reason to do that again!"
Believed to have perished when his runaway balloon vanished over Washington, D.C., Miss Adventure touched down in the untamed wilds of the Dark Continent. There he befriended a sadomasochistic monkey named Cheater, traded the last vestments of civilization for a simple loincloth of vines and leaves and, in the guise of Bimbo the Jungle Boy, joined a safari headed by his old nemesis, Sir Nigel Cushing. Their objective was to follow the raging Wazoo River in search of teh fabled Lost City of Palooza -- and it's legendary riches.
Making the trek pleasureable for Andrews were some very accommodating bearers -- "Who were total bears," Andrews said -- as well as the presence of Cushing's studly nephew, Bunny Darlington, who took an immediate fancy to the bogus savage and could barely keep his hands off Andrews' fern.
"He seemed to regard my leafy loincloth as his own private tossed salad," Andrews said later. "Whenever we'd meet for a moonlight walk he'd reach for the croutons. But I insisted on a proper courtship. Hours passed before I let him have his head." Andrews grinned. "and don't let the British fool you. It's just not their upper lips that are stiff."
Much to Sir Nigel's annoyance, Bunny and Bimbo became an item. Bunny even gave Andrews his prized, 7-inch white ivory blade as a memento.
After a week's journey up the Wazoo, the footsore safari finally arrived at the great wall surrounding the lost city. Cautiously, the party approached the giant door leading into Palooza. Because there were no giant knockers they entered uninvited. Later that afternoon, they chanced upon the secret treasure foom, filled with gems more valuable than the entire contents of Bill Gates' wallet.
"As a supposedly ignorant savage, I should have shown no interest," Andrews admitted. "But I defy any Bimbo to remain unimpressed by that much loot!"
Suddenly, a voice rang out: "Fools! Nitwits! How dare you defile our sacred reasure with your grubby mitts! I, Queen La La of Palooza, forbit it!"
It was the city's barbarous ruler, her loins girdled in gold and emeralds, her bountiful breasts proud and naked.
"We'd found the city's giant knockers after all!" Andrews said.
Before anyone had a chance to react, La La's savage minions fell upon the intruders. In the act of choosing emerald earrings to match his jungle raiment, Miss Adventure was conked on the head and rendered unconcscious.
"When I awoke I found myslef spread-eagled on a sacrificial altar, surrounded by sacrificial altar boys," Andrews recalled. "Queen La La drew a sword from its jeweled sheath. She held it beside the white blade I was wearing on my waist. And I don't mean the one Bunny gave me.
"What will my mighty scimitar say to your little dirk?" she taunted.
"Anything it likes," I replied, "as long as it isn't too cutting."
The queen sneered ominously and all seemed lost. Suddenly, Andrews heard a suave voice from somewhere behind the vicious queen.
"Am I intruding, or can anyone play?" it purred.
It was Bunny Darlington, his elephant gun pointed squarely at La La. He gestured toward the queen's fist, which still clutched a portion of Miss Adventure's anatomy previously untouched by female hands.
"if you don't stop that I'll be forced to shoot," Bunny remarked.
"If you don't stop that I'll be forced to shoot," Andrews told the queen.
"La La blinked on her iron grip was broken -- on me and on the kingdom."
The high priest of the sacrificial altar boys presented their backs to La La and bowed to Darlington.
"They'd chosen him as their new queen and he graciously accepted," Andrews said. "As the former queen was taken away and the priest untied me, I remarked that the new ruler would probably be happier if, next time, they bowed the other way around.
"I was heartbroken that Bunny didn't ask me to stay with him," Andrews went on. "But under the circumstances I wasn't about to argue the point."
Miss Adventure was handed a map to the coast and some lovely parting gifts, which included several items from La La's closet. He gave the bearers a parting hug and soon found himself back in New Jersey among his friends and loved ones.
"Maybe it's just a bout of jungle fever, but it would have been nice to stay in Palooza as a force behind the throne," Andrews said. "But I guess fate has other plans for me."
Indeed it does.
Next week: The very old, very dark home.
___________
Comments? Feelings? Your deepest desire as worded in five words or less?
cl0ck
my deepest desire in five words or less:
to kill with mind power.
(I'm in a fuckin mood, eh?)