zac

right this second i don't trust myself. i know it's because of the hour and how much i've had to drink. i know i'm a little worried and a little lonely. i want to say a lot of things. i know it's even because of the song i've been listening to over and over again for the past 20 minutes.

i don't trust what i'm thinking right now, and i'm telling you this so that i can find my other thought processes. or is it that these are the real ones and i'm always confused.

i feel bad after that thought. but it's been an exhausting day, pretending that i'm happy it's my birthday. it's been a good day. i just haven't felt good about a birthday for the last few years. this year i'm even more unsettled about being another year older than ever before.

the one girl (it's like the one ring, heh), just went out with her friends and i got off the phone with her. i'm jealous of her friends. i don't know if i trust them from what she says. i know you'll read this baby, and i'm sorry, but the thoughts only just coalesced. things you said fell into place. like i said, i've been drinking, so i'm not totally on the ball. i hope you won't be mad.

i just started the song over again. each time it plays through i feel less and less safe and more and more small. this is more familiar territory.

if she gets mad tomorrow, remind her that i still love her, in case she doesn't believe me.


did i mention i'm paranoid? wooo!