horoscopes by el-p
Aries
Your moon is in the 4th sun of the Orion house this week, Aries, and that can only mean one thing.
Taurus
Today could be a trying time for you Taurus. You, like the bull your sign is modeled after, can be stubborn. When engaging in conversation, this can sometimes lead to your choosing the wrong battles at work or with a loved one. Someone you love is going to die soon.
Gemini
Ah Gemini... your opposing, almost schizophrenic nature is actually working to your advantage now. On the one hand there is the part of you that knows what you are heading towards is, while possibly disruptive to your current trajectory, truly the right direction for who you've become over these last few trying years. On the other hand you were adopted.
Cancer
Keep your eye on the prize, Cancer! Love is finally within reach and today is the day that you can finally tell that certain someone that you've been following them home from work every day for the last 7 months! Your spirit animal is a panther.
Leo
Go fuck yourself, Leo.
Virgo
Stick up for yourself, Virgo. Despite the fact that no one actually agrees with anything you say you are right about everything. Don't be afraid to use violence to prove your point.
Libra
You still believe in love Libra, and myspace is the perfect place to find it. remember: she might be 16 but you guys love all the same movies and theres nothing wrong with a little conversation as long as she doesnt know what you look like or how old you are.
Scorpio
Oooooh Scorpio! So dark! So sexual! At least thats what you were supposed to be, right? You're not a teenager anymore Scorpio. Girls your age aren't attracted to you. Do your laundry.
Sagittarius
You are going to recieve a HUGE cash settlement TODAY. Quit your job now. i promise this is going to happen. You sometimes wish your life were better.
Capricorn
Time to muster up a little bit of the old CAPRICOURAGE and tell that cop you know that you killed your babysitter when you were 12 and can't stop dreaming about the look in her eyes as you pissed on her dying chest.
Aquarius
Someone wants to stab you.
Pisces
You love music and film, Pisces, and you also love films. Your lucky number.
Today's Birthday
Throw yourself a party! Remember, friends love to spend money to celebrate your existence, so don't be shy... demand a gift of $50 or more from everyone you know. If they love you, they will pay up.
Aries
Your moon is in the 4th sun of the Orion house this week, Aries, and that can only mean one thing.
Taurus
Today could be a trying time for you Taurus. You, like the bull your sign is modeled after, can be stubborn. When engaging in conversation, this can sometimes lead to your choosing the wrong battles at work or with a loved one. Someone you love is going to die soon.
Gemini
Ah Gemini... your opposing, almost schizophrenic nature is actually working to your advantage now. On the one hand there is the part of you that knows what you are heading towards is, while possibly disruptive to your current trajectory, truly the right direction for who you've become over these last few trying years. On the other hand you were adopted.
Cancer
Keep your eye on the prize, Cancer! Love is finally within reach and today is the day that you can finally tell that certain someone that you've been following them home from work every day for the last 7 months! Your spirit animal is a panther.
Leo
Go fuck yourself, Leo.
Virgo
Stick up for yourself, Virgo. Despite the fact that no one actually agrees with anything you say you are right about everything. Don't be afraid to use violence to prove your point.
Libra
You still believe in love Libra, and myspace is the perfect place to find it. remember: she might be 16 but you guys love all the same movies and theres nothing wrong with a little conversation as long as she doesnt know what you look like or how old you are.
Scorpio
Oooooh Scorpio! So dark! So sexual! At least thats what you were supposed to be, right? You're not a teenager anymore Scorpio. Girls your age aren't attracted to you. Do your laundry.
Sagittarius
You are going to recieve a HUGE cash settlement TODAY. Quit your job now. i promise this is going to happen. You sometimes wish your life were better.
Capricorn
Time to muster up a little bit of the old CAPRICOURAGE and tell that cop you know that you killed your babysitter when you were 12 and can't stop dreaming about the look in her eyes as you pissed on her dying chest.
Aquarius
Someone wants to stab you.
Pisces
You love music and film, Pisces, and you also love films. Your lucky number.
Today's Birthday
Throw yourself a party! Remember, friends love to spend money to celebrate your existence, so don't be shy... demand a gift of $50 or more from everyone you know. If they love you, they will pay up.