yenta

Days are slipping through my fingers like sand and I am being pushed farther and farther out of his mind. I wonder when the lost time he thought of me was. He's still a part of my everyday, making every that much harder. And I know, I mean I feel like I know, that I was not on his mind every day even when we were together. So now, the days are slipping by, but it's not getting any easier to forget.
I'm attracted to all the wrong men, at all the wrong times. I don't feel like I need anyone but it's another thing to nag at myself about at the end of the day. I should be kind to humanity and just stay alone. I've gotten to feel like no matter who I try to complicate things with, it'll only turn into a tangled mess. But there's this bubble around me now and i just want to touch someone. I want to feel. "I want the fire back".
Grass is growing from the corners of my bed and it gets harder and harder for me to push myself to do the extra ordinary. I find myself waiting for things to fall into place instead of making them happen. But the laziness with which I approach things is not accompanied with comfort and peace. Instead I simply sit still and think of all the things i should be doing. All the things I shouldn't be thinking about. All the ways in which I am hopeless and dismal and the drugs aren't working and I'm not getting better it's just that less people are noticing me and I'm so alone and all I can do is wait for time to pass until I'm finally old enough where it'll be acceptable for me to die alone because I've already given up, I gave up a long time again, all the life was sucked right out and now I'm just killing time until this shell feels likes its no longer responsible to perpetuate this sad facade.

At this hour, I am depressed.