yellowdays

so on the 21st on june my ex called here. i guess being fathers day and all got to him and he finally felt guilty enough to call here for the first time in 6 months. i didnt answer the phone when he called, to let myself get over the utter shock that he had called. then i listened to his message and decided what i would say to him. i laid into him without loosing my cool, i didnt swear at him or yell. i was just very firm and laid it out for him. i asked him if he was aware that it had been 6 months since he talked to our son, he said he was. i told him that he couldnt just call when ever he wanted to talk to him because it was unfair to loki, because then he asks for him non stop and that breaks my heart because all i want is for him to spend time with him, he told me that he has a lot of drug addictions to work through and that he couldnt be there for loki while he was doing that. i told him that was true. so i asked him if this was the day that he had decided to re-enter lokis life, because that is what this had to be for me to allow him to talk to him. he said that yes that is what he wanted. i said that if i allowed him to talk to him that he had to come and spend time with him this week, and once a week at least from this point on, because that was involvement, and he said ok. i said also that even if he worked all week, he had to see him, because i was pretty sure that i worked more than him and that i always make time for loki, and there are days when i dont see him but for 1/2hr a day for 3 days, and when that happens i then spend the next 2 days with him. he said ok, i then told him that his oks didnt sound very genuine, he said that they were and that he didnt know what else to say other than ok, because this was really hard for him,and i told him it was really hard for me too.
i then allowed him to speak to our son. i told loki to tell him happy fathers day and that he loved him, he nattered about other stuff for afew minutes as well, then when i took the phone back i heard my ex crying. we then set up a day for him to come and see him.
i hardly ate for the next 3 days, i was stressed and didnt sleep, worrying about weather or not he would show up, worrying about weather or not i was doing this right. i thought about how if he didnt show up, our lives would be exactly the same as they are now, which would be fine. and how if he did, how i would react if he dropped out again. and worried about how akward it would be between us. be he did show up, and he played with loki for 2 and a bit hours, pushed him around the yard on his bike, let him bring him all his toys to show him, read him little books he brought him, blew bubbles with him. at first loki was stand offish, understandably. but he warmed right up to him. it was a good visit. we set up the next time they will hang out, we are going to bring him bowling. it will be fun. we will see how things go. i cant help but think about how angry i will be if he fazes himself out again, but i dont dwell on it, im just aware of it. for now im just enjoying my son spending time with his father.