Power's been out since tuesday. 88mph winds and mothers of all electric storms will do that. Still not fully back in service, but i have some power, so, i'm not complaining too much. Well, not about electricity. Anymore.
Wow. Mouse just ran across my room.
I drank a little tonight. Then decided to pop 2 ephedrine and take a nap, therefore being nice and refreshed when i woke up 2 hours later to work at 4am... didn't work out too well. I wound up waking up 10 minutes into my nap, right before the pills kicked in. So, i'm a bit loopy and moody. More than a bit moody, actually. I'm pissed off.
Angry, angry, angry. God, am i an angry person right now. It might be the lack of sleep, alchohol and speed, but i'm not all together.
I'm angry about where i am, in life and location. And i'm angry at myself for bitching, and bitching, and bitching, and not doing anything about it. I guess it's better to be pissed off than depressed, but i'm sure that'll be the next mood swing on the agenda. i DO have a loooong morning ahead of me.
I'm angry at myself for staying in Normal for a year for no reason.
I'm angry at myself for spending money at the bar i should have saved.
I'm angry at myself for not being more careful when i got back involved with Jonny.
I'm angry at Jonny for not being more careful with me.
I'm angry at myself for just having a cigarette.
Grr. I'm so angry.
Nothing is ever going to be the same after tonight. But really, if you think about it, nothing ever is the same after any given night.
Calgon, take me away. Oh wait, we have a shower, A broken one. One that my landlady broke as incentive to break down and just buy a new one. 2 months ago. Yes, she's a nut.
I love life. I love life. I love life. I love life.
MONEY
MNY
OE
$
)0(
The time is now 3:15am, do you know where your boyfriend is? Nope. And i don't need to know. None of my business, but i sure could use a hug. One of those hugs i used to get that didn't involve the kneading of my ass.
Yeah, i seduced him tonight. Yeah, i initiated it. Sure, i was persistant, but how else am i going to get affection from him? He's been slurring when he says he loves me. I'm asleep by the time he gets off the computer at night, and into bed. He's not happy living with me and there's nothing i can do about it. We're wearing out. Again. And there isn't a damn thing i can do but leave him be. Let him alone. So angry
So angry that i have five times more empathy for him than i imagine he has for me. I don't know that that's rational, but in my distorted little mind, it's true.
It's alright now. I think i've hit a turning point. No more faking anymore. Life is about to get better before it gets worse. This is my fucking life. I'm not going to settle anymore, and i won't be settled for. I don't want to be anywhere i don't want to be.
In the words of the late, great Roger Miller:
"knuckle down, buckle down, dooit, dooit, dooit."
No, you can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but damnit, you CAN be happy if you've a mind to.
Wow. Mouse just ran across my room.
I drank a little tonight. Then decided to pop 2 ephedrine and take a nap, therefore being nice and refreshed when i woke up 2 hours later to work at 4am... didn't work out too well. I wound up waking up 10 minutes into my nap, right before the pills kicked in. So, i'm a bit loopy and moody. More than a bit moody, actually. I'm pissed off.
Angry, angry, angry. God, am i an angry person right now. It might be the lack of sleep, alchohol and speed, but i'm not all together.
I'm angry about where i am, in life and location. And i'm angry at myself for bitching, and bitching, and bitching, and not doing anything about it. I guess it's better to be pissed off than depressed, but i'm sure that'll be the next mood swing on the agenda. i DO have a loooong morning ahead of me.
I'm angry at myself for staying in Normal for a year for no reason.
I'm angry at myself for spending money at the bar i should have saved.
I'm angry at myself for not being more careful when i got back involved with Jonny.
I'm angry at Jonny for not being more careful with me.
I'm angry at myself for just having a cigarette.
Grr. I'm so angry.
Nothing is ever going to be the same after tonight. But really, if you think about it, nothing ever is the same after any given night.
Calgon, take me away. Oh wait, we have a shower, A broken one. One that my landlady broke as incentive to break down and just buy a new one. 2 months ago. Yes, she's a nut.
I love life. I love life. I love life. I love life.
MONEY
MNY
OE
$
)0(
The time is now 3:15am, do you know where your boyfriend is? Nope. And i don't need to know. None of my business, but i sure could use a hug. One of those hugs i used to get that didn't involve the kneading of my ass.
Yeah, i seduced him tonight. Yeah, i initiated it. Sure, i was persistant, but how else am i going to get affection from him? He's been slurring when he says he loves me. I'm asleep by the time he gets off the computer at night, and into bed. He's not happy living with me and there's nothing i can do about it. We're wearing out. Again. And there isn't a damn thing i can do but leave him be. Let him alone. So angry
So angry that i have five times more empathy for him than i imagine he has for me. I don't know that that's rational, but in my distorted little mind, it's true.
It's alright now. I think i've hit a turning point. No more faking anymore. Life is about to get better before it gets worse. This is my fucking life. I'm not going to settle anymore, and i won't be settled for. I don't want to be anywhere i don't want to be.
In the words of the late, great Roger Miller:
"knuckle down, buckle down, dooit, dooit, dooit."
No, you can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but damnit, you CAN be happy if you've a mind to.
ah, reading your journal makes me glad my wife left back in january. now i am unburdened, and have rediscovered myself, and feel better than ever. i want to move to new york city so i can conquer the biggest city in the whole country.
i can't offer words of comfort - not even plagiarized ones - but something will happen and you too will be back to normal (not the city, the state - fuck, that was confusing)