yeahexactly

So life has been full of changes, twists and turns in its everyday evolution.
I've been trying to forget that everyday brings us closer to death, or at least find some light in that.
I'm single
It still feels so odd to say that. I now notice glances more then I used to.
My heart races like its and engine and floats or falls like its full of mercury.
I was asked out on a date the other day. I'm going to meet the girl tonight. I don't think shes my type, If i even have a type. I'm still hung up on Katy.
I'm sure with time it will pass, it'll be much easier once we no longer live together.
I don't know how I'll react on that day.
I think my heart will be screaming.
I just hope that I can keep it all inside.
I prefer to play the part of the stoic.
More of a part of the audience then a part of the drama.
Its safer. and i desperately want to feel safe.
I need touch so badly, but I know that i am an addict and I must purge myself first to true-ly enjoy it once more.

I sold my car the other day.
When I signed over the pink slip i felt a door closing on my adolescence.
I loved that car but I was always too afraid of hurting her to really enjoy her fully.
I know she's in good hands now. and as much as it pains me to say it I really needed the money.
I'm fighting to hold onto it until I can put it out of hands reach.
I know someday I'll be glad I put it away, even though it makes today harder.
but I still miss Roxanne. she was always good to me.


I need to rest. I wish I could just sleep the weekend away.
I feel my mask continue to slip in front of people.
I want so desperately to not seem vulnerable when in truth I'm still sore from my class on Tuesday and I don't know the last time I wasn't tired.
I refilled my pills again today, I still struggle with the fact that I require medication
to feel young.
to feel happy.
to feel normal.

maybe someday it won't have to be such an act
I hope someday it will come naturally.

I'm going to a Hookah Bar tonight to watch a friend play music.

I have no expectations
does that mean I'm free?
I really don't know anymore.

after the bar I'm going to a party at a friends to drink and meet the girl who asked me out.

then up early for class and then comic books. then sleep.
I hope I wake up out of this funk someday
(side note)* I never understand why funk works both in that context and also rad porno music*

blah

life is good
yeah i didn't really believe that either
but I'm trying
its either that or the end of a rope.
and that just isn't for me. not anymore.
I'm free right?
yeah that's right.