Dear Lah,
It's been over 3 years since you've been taken away from my life, and I want you to know that I'm doing ok with everything that's been thrown my way. I've continued to grow and make it through college.
I just want you to know that I've moved on and left the guilt behind. The guilt of not saying goodbye when I had the chance..the guilt of never learning who you were when we were in high school...the guilt of learning too late.
When I think of the fond memories that we had together, I can't help but think of that unholy, dreadful night. The night we were young and ventured to the beach with hopes of living our youth. The night Chris ran around naked for a whimsical dare. The night I looked back and your car was gone... disappeared out of sight.
When I play it back in my mind, it's like something from a movie. Maybe a documentary mixed with a horror flick. It's foggy and everything is a haze. Or it's only a haze because I wish it were...
In the still of the night, there we were, getting lost on the way to the beach, driving around in circles. Oh look, there is George, doing those NSync moves so gracefully, with enthusiasm and determination...When we finally arrive at our destination at 1am in the morning, the bright lights of the patrol cops blind us as they herded us off the closed beach. Walking back to the cars, I almost walked into your car, but realized that Mai and Neilson were riding with you on the way to the beach. Who would have known that things like that happen for a reason.
We drove, and raced, and drove some more. It was innocent. Then in a split second, that innocence was lost. We stopped in the middle of the freeway. Robbie went back to look for you guys as I stayed behind to watch the kids. I was sitting there with such anticipation that Robbie would come back with you, Chris, and everyone else. But he didn't. All I could see were helicopters circling behind us with their bright lights shining down our backs. The cars on the freeway trickled in and finally there were no more cars coming down that fast freeway. I was trying desparately to think of good thoughts... but those didn't help.
Robbie finally came back. "They've been in an accident. I think Chris and Lah were flown to the Laguna Niguel Hospital, so we are going there." When we got there, Chris was nowhere to be found, and you couldn't be id'd. That night, I ran around, calling every single hospital in southern california trying to look for you. The feeling of not knowing whether your best friend was dead or alive, is one that I wish never to feel again. With no luck, Robbie finally drove me home after visiting Chris at the Mission Viejo hospital. Chris was going to make it. Neilson is in a coma, and Mai has till 9am in the morning to live. But Lah, where are you?
I didn't want to go home. Robbie drove me to Chris's place and we all fell asleep, emotionally drained and tired from fatigue. My body was frail but I couldn't feel it. The tears wouldn't come out anymore. And the feeling of not knowing where you were still, lingered deeply and weighed on my heart.
In the morning George broke it to me. "When we were at the hospital with Chris, the coroner came up to us and asked us if we wanted to ID a body. They said it was an asian female about our age. We figured you should be the one to ID her, do you want to do it?"
Numbbed from the words that came out of his mouth, all I could do was shake my head. The shock struck me like a lightning bolt. "Do you want me to do it?" Yes...I nodded my head. That was the only part of my body that seemed to move. Everything else belonging to my body disobeyed me.
"Yes, I would like to ID a body...Asian female...age 19...what? someone already ID'd her? who?...her mother?...yes, Sissouphan is her real name..."
However the conversation ended, I had no idea. My hearing cut out after I heard your name. My body finally reacted. Tears gushed out of my eyes as my body sobbed to keep up with the uncontrollable tears. It felt like someone had just reached inside my body, took a strong grip of my heart, twisted and turned it around and around with no absolution. I had never felt so much pain before.
I will never forget that feeling...
Mai passed away at 9 am the next day...Neilson held out for 2 weeks but he gave up and we lost him too...Chris was the only one who survived...the only one who carries the burden of being alive from that crash...
Till this day, I still don't know what exactly happened. Speculation says that Chris overshot his right merge (in an effort to dodge debris on the freeway) onto an oncoming car. That car hit your front right end, sent you spinning as another car came up from your side and hit you. Thus, you flipped over on your roof, and skidded...which was why half the roof was missing when the police arrived.
You died upon impact of the second car...
I'm sorry Lah. I really am. Like I said, I've learned to let go of that guilt. It wasn't my fault. Things happen for a reason. But I hate it when bad things happen to good people. Especially when those people are my friends. Life just plays with you like that but I guess God has a plan for everyone.
In 2 weeks I attended 3 funerals. I hope I never have to live those 2 weeks ever again.
Lah, please continue to watch over me. I know you are. I hope you are happy and ever so joyous in Heaven. I hope you are dancing as you smile down upon me...
love,
Thanh