xxtmnt87xx

I bask in my depression. it's what i am. it's who i am. i fall for girls i find attractive, single and without child, i ruin friendships because of my crushes, i think of myself more than others, i can't see the good in my life i only see the bad.

i've been given so much advice in my life it's ridiculous. i know what i need to do, i just can't do it. i've accepted that i'm going to spend my life alone and completely and utterly miserable, even though others want to convince me otherwise. i bring the closest people to me down through my depression. i have a hard time being happy for others when i should be. the good things in life just give me more of a reason to be unhappy.

i used to be able to drink and be incredibly happy and all that good junk, now when i drink it just makes me realize why i feel so bad so much more.

there are people in this world that'd love for me to be happy, but i'm not one of them. i was born to a father who was always angry, and to a mother who is depressed and tends to get stressed out. the person in my family who i relate to most is my aunt who suffers from almost extreme depression and anxiety.

i feel so bad when my aunt comes to me telling me she's feeling depressed and i have no idea what to say or do. it always happens online. other people i could figure out what to do but family i just feel so weird. maybe it's the fact that the other people if what i say backfires and i lose them it doesn't matter, because i don't expect them to last, but with family they've always been in my life and i don't want to mess things up.

i hate meeting new people in real life. i just can't do it. i can't initiate, and often unless the person is really outgoing i tend to not get to know anyone. it's been a long time since i've really been okay with any of the new people at work. i haven't found a new person that's started at work who i can talk to really. don't get me wrong there's people i enjoy talking to and such, just it's weird to me that i know the last person that's started working there who i actually talk to.

i feel extremely desperate for a girlfriend now. i'm just really scared of who i'm becoming. i hate my urges. i hate that i can't control my emotions. i hate how much i just want to just eat a girl out. i wish i was one of those people who was ok with not having others in my life. i'll never be. i wish i was one of those people who was ok with who i was. i won't be. i see myself as obnoxious and annoying, not because others have said this but i realize the stuff i say. i realize how i act is totally different than how i think, and neither is good. i need to stop worrying about myself so much and find interestes besides movies and television.

also i want to say thanks to three people, basically one of them i don't think i've ever replied to his comments even though i've appreciated them a great deal, one i know i've replied to and i think he knows i appreciate him and if not he should, and the third, the only person that tried to contact me when i went anon for the last week , even though many people have ways to contact me outside of this site. so in order sixboxes, zarth, and dainty i just want to say thank you.

also i just want to say i'm in this mood right now... it's the mood where i just really want to delete my friends for various reasons. some just because i don't think i deserve friends, some because i feel like i wouldn't hear from if i didn't contact them first, some because i know i've fucked things up because i had a crush on them and let them know, some because i can't be happy for them and it seems all i can do is drag them down, and so on and so forth.

also note that september 20th marked a year since i've tried to even talk to the girl at all, and i really wanted to send her a message about how i still cared about her even though i know she didn't ever want to hear from me again, but i didn't because i had to go stay at my brothers house to watch my nephew because his wife(a girl i had a crush on many years ago) was giving birth to their son. everyone wants me to go to the hospital to visit but i don't really want to as i'm starting to really hate hospitals and all that.