xxtmnt87xx

so yeah you know what makes you feel good about yourself when you already feel utterly horrible about yourself? having people at work tell you your ugly all the time whether they are joking around with you or not. yeah it's awesome... spectacular. i really sometimes wonder why i feel so horrible about myself. oh wait. no no i don't.

yeah so i've realized, probably long ago i have, that i'm never gonna fix things. i'm never gonna change, never gonna stop being shy. i'm never going to stop complaining about shit, and i'll never be happy. i'll never get the attention i need, i'll never be treated the way i want to be, i'll never feel as happy as i did. i'll never get her out of my head.

so many things that remind me of her, even just at work. it's small things too. soy milk, and how she's lactose intollerant, frank's red hot and how she loves using like half a bottle of it in chilie, cocktail sauce being her favorite condoment, mountain dew being her favorite soda. it's always the small things. any time i see anything from ohio i remember her. i'll never understand how i'm supposed to not even want her in my life anymore, or be ok with it or anything for how much i care about her just giving in feels so wrong.

i need to get fully into working out so i can gain a good amount of muscle mass and make my body nicer, so i can be happy with something about myself.

my heart is an empty shell.